The Worst Baby Names Ever
Having a child is supposed to be one of life’s most joyous occasions; yet, so many parents seem to use the occasion to inflict serious cruelty on their bundle of joy that we’re wondering what’s up?
In the Shakespeare play, Romeo and Juliet, Juliet says; “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet” and while it might at a quick glance appear to be a phrase about roses – what’s really happening is that Juliet is complaining about Romeo’s surname. Why? Because their two houses are at war and if he’d not been a “Montague” the tragedy that ensued in the play would never have taken place.
Today, we’re going to be looking at babies whose parents have been rather crueler than Romeo’s and take a glance at the worst baby names of all time. But before we do…we’d like to talk for a little bit about the results of giving your child a terrible name.
Parents – They Can Really Mess You Up
Martin Ford was one of the first psychologists to examine the consequences of a terrible name. He concluded that a distinctive and unusual name meant that a child had poor and uneducated parents and that this in turn, reflected the poor performance of such children in schooling. Steven Levitt and Ronald Fryer, two economists found a similar effect when all other variables were accounted for for black children with unique names.
However, there’s also research to show that one of the things that isn’t cruel to children is to give a male child a “gender ambiguous” name; such as Marion (John Wayne) or Sue (as in the famous Johnny Cash song “A Boy named Sue). Boys with these names tended to be better adjusted than their peers. The research suggests this is because they learn to laugh off adversity from an early age thanks to being teased about their names. So, in reality – it is cruel but the cruelty develops character.
The 10 Worst Baby Names Ever for Baby Girls
To get our list of the worst baby names ever; we’ve drawn on a Reddit survey, social security records and a bunch of other lists of names. If your name’s not on the list – congratulations and if it is please accept our commiserations. So here are the worst baby names for girls:
- Ahmircale – sadly there are over 800 girls bearing the name “Miracle” which isn’t great but at least it’s sweet. Ahmiracle on the other hand plain sucks.
- Aliviyah – look there’s no advantage to be gained by bad phonetic renditions of original names such as Olivia. It looks crass and adds no “individuality” except to annoy every person who ever helps them fill in a form.
- Beautyful – illiteracy combined with a potential horror storm of adult unpleasantness if the prophecy turns out to be false, just no.
- Beberly – we’re uncertain as to whether this is a tribute to Justin Bieber or an inability to tell the letters “b” and “v” apart; whichever it is – it’s awful.
- Elizabreth – apart from sounding vaguely reptilian; what were the parents thinking? Take a perfectly good name and add a random “r”?
- Goodness – these parents have obviously never taken care of a two-year old or a teenager for that matter.
- Kaizyle – which just to add insult to injury is pronounced Kays-lee to rhyme with Paisley
- Little Sweetmeat – words fail us. Imagine going through life with this abomination tacked to your resume. Even porn studios would turn you down.
- Phelony – probably best not to let this one near your wallet or home.
- Richard – yes, as a girl’s name. It’s bad enough for boys that it abbreviates to “dick” and it will be twenty times worse for a girl at school in her teenage years.
The 10 Worst Baby Names Ever for Baby Boys
- Abass – any name which inflicts the word “ass” upon the bearer is not a good name.
- C’Andre – given up yet? It’s said “see-Andre”. Seriously. Adding a random apostrophe doesn’t add any value to your child’s life.
- Carrion – the sweet stench of death is obviously what every child hopes to be associated with before running away to join the Manson Family.
- Facebook – the poor soul will spend his life in court arguing over trademark disputes plus it’s straight up awful.
- Harshit – this one’s a touch unfair because it sounds awful in English but is, in fact, a quite lovely Sanskrit name meaning “full of happiness”
- Ledjend – another illiterate approach to being subject to Barney Stinson clips for the rest of your life.
- Mhavrych – apparently this is supposed to be pronounced “Maverick” but is far more likely to be pronounced “GTFO”.
- Rambo – it might feel well-meaning but it’s just straight up mean. These boys are going to spend their lives fighting in the playground. They won’t have a choice.
- Revlon – naming your child after a hair products company? Classy. Not.
- Vader – cool for 10 seconds but very, very annoying for a lifetime particularly with the rebooted Star Wars franchise taking off again
The 5 Worst Baby Names Ever for Unisex Names
- Baby – don’t put them in a corner and don’t give them a name that they will regret immediately they learn to talk.
- Danger – not even as a middle name but as a first name for both boys and girls; we’re guessing this is an early warning sign of prison time being in the child’s future.
- Merika – it might sound patriotic but what the rest of the world hears will be the puppets of “Team America”; don’t do that to your child, please.
- Ya Highness/Yr Highness – because two letter abbreviations of a four letter word scream “royalty” rather than insanity?
- Yunique – which manages to be anything but “unique” while suggesting special needs education looms large in the future.