Today is my birthday, so I’m going to do whatever I want to do. First off, I’m staying in my pajamas all day. Next, I’ll probably make a cake and eat all the batter by myself. After that, I’ll spend all morning speculating how power-pale couple Marilyn Manson and Dita Von Teese went wrong.

I’ve always wondered how such a foxy lady as Von Teese ended up with the guy long rumored to be Kevin Arnold’s sidekick from “The Wonder Years.” Seriously, look at her. And then take a gander at him. Yikes.

Anyway, they announced a couple of days ago that their marriage was over. “Irreconcilable differences” were cited as the reason (seriously, isn’t that like the vaguest reason ever?). Now details from The Sun are emerging that the burlesque queen is splitting from Manson because of his drinking and drugging ways. And for the most shocking detail of all: Lindsay Lohan has been booty-callin’ Manson at all hours of the night.

Luckily there are no little Mansons running around. But Page Six reports that they’re fighting about custody of their 2 cats, Lily and Aleister and their two wiener dogs, Greta and Eva.

Is there such thing as pet alimony? Will the losing party have to pay a monthly stipend to cover litter, food and squeaky toys?