The Worst Man Advice from Women’s Magazines

Women’s magazines can often be tasteless, or even completely cheesy and inane when it comes to content. They make a living off of giving out terrible “man advice” to the women who will read them — from ridiculously broad generalizations about his personality to dim-witted methods for getting him to marry you. We’re not saying women’s magazines are the only culprit here; men’s magazines do their share too. But today, we’re focusing on 15 examples of the worst man advice that you can get from any of dozens of women’s magazines on the shelves today.

The Body Language Decoder

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The Body Language Decoder is usually a cute little chart with a sleek design in which you’ll find pictures of men and a summary of what that look they’re wearing really means. These sections will go into excruciating detail of how a certain type of smirk, depending on how much lip is upturned can tell you about what the man wants or feels. If he’s sort of smirking, then he only wants to get in your pants. Oh, and that other smirk means he’s really sweet and shy. If you start to stare at a guy’s face for too long in an attempt to decipher what his body language means, exactly, then you deserve to be taken advantage of. Just use common sense.

Don’t Tell Him How You Feel About His Family

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Apparently, if you tell him how you really feel about his family, he’ll be so offended and it will give him a reason to leave you. Whether or not he’s a Mommy’s Boy, it’s better to be honest with him about his family. If you’re hoping for some kind of long term relationship, holding back on something like that will inevitably backfire one day, whether it’s one or ten years down the road.

You’re Just Not That Into Him If…

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According to your average woman’s magazine, you’re “not that into him” if it doesn’t bother you when he goes out without you — among other ridiculous tips. If you are bothered that he wants to go out with his friends for a drink and a game, you need to knock it down a few notches. It’s a good thing when two people in a relationship have their own groups of friends and hobbies. Being attached at the hip isn’t always healthy. Another one on the list: You’re just not that into him if you don’t think about him every second that you’re apart. Seriously? Not healthy, again. Especially if you’re in a long term relationship; after the “honeymoon” phase, it’s completely normal. We have a feeling that a few women dumped their guys after reading that advice.

Show More Skin

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Many sources drag on about how males are visual creatures, but sometimes women go too far — and their magazines don’t do anything to discourage it. “Show more skin,” is a common tip in women’s magazines, aimed at those females looking for advice in a column called “How to Get Hit On All the Time!” For one, these women above, in the picture, are insane. Walking around in 23 degree Fahrenheit weather, with snow, in heels and tube dresses just looks stupid, desperate, and trashy. There are ways to look hot in a flattering wool peacoat and warm hat. It’s way classier — and sexier to boot.

Who Makes the First Move

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Even magazines tend to contradict themselves when it comes to this one, and really, since there is no right answer, they shouldn’t try. What bothers us is that they build whole arguments, and articles, on one method: Be aggressive or be shy. There is no either/or when it comes to interacting with men. You can’t just pick one and expect success. By the end, in one case your man would have to do all the work, and in the other you’d just look like a crazy woman. It’s all about balance in real life, not black and white blanket statements.

Single-Girl Things to do Before You Marry

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Most women’s magazines get behind their readers to lift them up and motivate them to be strong, powerful women, right? Part of the “girl power” shenanigans they want women to follow includes feeling free-spirited and single. After reading up on it, we’re surprised most women don’t step back and realize that it’s all a bit… Well, loose: “Date a guy that’s totally wrong for you because he has nice abs,” “spend an embarrassing amount of money on a handbag,” “master the vibrator.” You don’t have to go trouncing around town, acting irresponsible, just because you’re single. â€¨â€¨

He’ll Fall Out of Love If…

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Sweeping generalizations aren’t becoming of women’s magazines, but they push forward anyway. We kid you not, we found several examples of articles explaining how to get a man to fall in love with you — including specific actions to take. Not only that but we found a list of what makes men fall out of love, including “you never fight.” If you don’t fight, he’ll fall out of love? What, because it’s too perfect? It’s possible that some people work out their issues before getting to the point of fighting, and it’s a bit intense to assume everyone resolves disputes in the same way. Since those writers don’t believe in that, they’ll simply encourage women to fight with their man to keep his love!

Don’t Tell Him What You Spent Your Money On

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We’re sure men don’t want to know about every detail of your shopping spree — the new colors of your eyeshadow and that crazy witch that bought the last pair of cute heels in your size. We actually found an article advising against letting him know, completely, what you spent the money on. At least let him know you went shopping, spent X amount, and give a general breakdown so it’s not a surprise when he sees the credit card bill. Financial problems can be the root of a lot of stress in a relationship, and encouraging women to hide their money habits is just a bad idea all around.

One Night Stands Aren’t So Bad

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Seriously. One anonymous women’s magazine writer went on to describe how she thinks one night stands aren’t so bad after all. Her reasoning was behind some flimsy “research study” stating that casual sex didn’t have any different effect on emotions than sex with a committed partner did. We call BS on that one, because tons of drunken casual sex can be emotionally changing, and not to mention, dangerous. STDs and waking up feeling like scum aren’t really ideal. Especially if you’re trying to land that man of your dreams for the long haul, jumping in bed with him right away won’t exactly show him you respect yourself, so why should he respect you?

If He Says He’s Close to His Family, He’s a Good Guy

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Relationship with family is high up on the list for many women when it comes to selecting a mate, and women’s magazines list it as a definite good sign of character if a man says he’s close to his family. First of all, by now, would you think that guys are smart enough to know the right things to say to get into your pants? And let’s not forget the chance that his family may not be the kind you want him to be close with, a la The Godfather. It’d be a good idea to judge him over time on many things, and this is one of them.

Flirting with Other Guys is Okay

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Oh, it’s only innocent flirting! It’s good for you, right? Your guy won’t care, right? Well, until there’s some solid evidence for the positive health qualities of flirting with other men, the jury’s still out here. Depending on your relationship — hey, it’s your business — it could either be disastrous or not such a big deal. Just don’t take a magazine’s word for it, only you can know what will fly in your relationship, though we vote for flirting with your guy.

Rules of Engagement

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Yes, Rules of Engagement: In which you use trickery to get your man to propose to you. Apparently, if your boyfriend hasn’t asked you to marry him after being with you for a year, you have to shake things up. How? Play hard to get, be mysterious, disappear for a weekend. If that doesn’t work? Ask him what his intentions are. If he says he won’t marry you, leave. If he says he will someday, ask him how long until he proposes. If none of that works, set an ultimatum. Now, all of those things are not ways to go about the subject of getting engaged, let alone being Rules of Engagement. You’ll probably just end up driving your man away.

Why Guys Marry Some Girls (But Not Others)

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Our answer? Because he likes her better than you. Reasons we’ve seen women’s magazines give: She’s exciting, she really, really loves sex, and she makes it clear he’s not her entire life. Well, those can add up to him liking her better then you, but for a woman to aspire to be those things seems pretty shallow.

You Know What Kind of Man He is By How Vocal He Gets in Bed

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This one is just ridiculous. Listed are the various levels of how vocal a guy can get — anywhere from grunting like a caveman to yelling obscenities. From there they take it to the extreme: analyzing each different type of vocal style, and attempting to make a connection to what type of person your guy is. Superloud moaner? Yeah, that means he’s just into himself and so loud that he’ll forget about your pleasure altogether. Give us a break, people do a lot of things that aren’t characteristic to their everyday personality while doing the nasty, so this advice is moot.

Four Words Can Cheatproof His Love

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Let’s be honest: If he’s going to cheat, he will cheat. Saying a few words won’t fix that if his mind is set. What are the four magic words you need to say to your man to keep him from cheating? “You are so hot.” Sure, reassuring your guy he’s hot is great and all for his confidence, but don’t just say it to say it, or because you think it will stop him from cheating. If you’re insincere, he’ll see through it and be more likely to leave your ass anyway.

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