After years of girls dressed up like slutty galley wenches, and nerds parading about with eye patches shivering timbers everywhere they look, it appears as if true pirates are actually back. Granted they’re from Somalia, and there’s not a three cornered hat or plank in sight, but I pirate fever  as veritably been reignited (especially for those  US snipers that would make her majesties 18th century navy proud with their pirate killing ability). In honor of the recent conflict at sea, pirates are the talk of the town, and have dominated CNN harder than talk of a shitty economy. Here’s a definitive list of Pirate movies,  to go with the rebirth of the jolly old maritime trade It must be stressed that this does not include every pirate movie made, but it lists the best and the worst and should serve as a jumping off point for all  things peg-legged and swash-buckling.

Pirates of the Caribbean – Curse of the Black Pearl

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With Disney out of movie-making ideas derived from literature, they thought turning an animatronic ride  into a film would be a good idea, and surprisingly it kinda was. Johnny Depp is a bad-ass broke pirate with little to his name, and is trying to get back control of his now cursed ship. Long story short, he meets up with a blacksmith and all around shitty actor Orlando Bloom as well as the notoriously pretty yet flat (I’m talking about dialogue delivery, what were you thinking) Kiera Knightley. What makes this movie work is Johnny Depp’s turn at channeling Keith Richardson as a 18th century pirate, plus it’s always good to see Gareth from the BBC version of “The Office”.

Pirates of the Caribbean – Dead Man’s Chest and/or At Worlds End

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My goodness these were both worse than getting raped with a sand-paper condom. Convoluted story lines led to both of these being terrible attempts to cash in on what could have been a reasonably good franchise. The fact that people who have read Tolstoy and Dostyevski had a hard time following along speaks to the true testament that anyone who claims they know what was going on is a dirty liar. Screw you Disney, I want those 5 hours of my life back.

The Goonies

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This movie is so damn good. Its got everything: 80’s soundtrack, retarded over-sized baby ruff-loving mongoloid, one of the Cory’s, someone who would later go on to be a fat hobbit, short-round from Indiana Jones 2; sure, why the hell not. Yeah there might have only been pirates in spirit, but you know one-eyed Willy could have handled his shit back in the day. Spielberg really needs to start making movies like this again because his attempts at serious screenplays are bumming me out.

Master and Commander- Far Side of the World

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Maybe it’s not about pirates in the traditional sense, but ships and 18th century warfare bring it close enough. While most probably found this movie to be slow, it really was a fascinating look at the mundane day to day at sea. Bonus, Russell Crowe didn’t beat up any paparazzi or try to play any of his god-awful bands music. C’mon Russell what’s with the whole “having a band” thing, you’re not Bo Jackson, stick to what you’re good at, Sinking French ships.

Pirates – A XXX feature

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Just by looking at the image above, you should be able to imagine the plot. A guy rows up to deliver a pizza, and some hot young wench is just getting out of the shower. Proceed with jokes about trying to find the booty, and some girl sucking on the dudes plank. Add a few eye patches and you got a movie.

The Life Aquatic

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If you don’t like this movie then you didn’t get the joke. Wes Anderson once again turns in a masterpiece of subtle humor and beautiful set pieces that ends up with the arrival of a few pirates. These are also the real deal pirates that are most likely sailing the seas of the south pacific to boot. With the addition of the Iggy and the Stooges song “Raw Power”, while Bill Murray wreaks havoc on these lowlife swashbucklers you have one hell of a scene. Kudos.

Cutthroat Island

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This film is noted as being the biggest failure at the box-office, of all time. A huge budget and not much story, and with Gina Davis as the heroine, this cinematic piece of filt made for a bigger flop than Vladi Divac taking a charge. Has she ever been in a good movie? I would have believed her more as the first female president of the united states. . . oh wait that didn’t work out either. Go back to chick flicks Gina, you’re not wanted here on the high seas.

Captain Blood

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Pirate enthusiasts would probably demand that this film appear first on any list since it really defined the pirate movie genre. But lets be real, if you’re a pirate enthusiast you need to get out of your mom’s basement and get a job. Seriously thought this is a great movie, and Errol Flynn does what he does best, look good and try to not act  too campy.

Captain Ron

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Almost as redefining to the genre as Captain Blood is, this late nineties addition to the pirate mix. Notorious cardboard cut-out Kurt Russell wears an eye patch, and runs afoul of some nasty pirates. Captain Ron does however come up with a great scam to give an eleven year old beers and then charge him for it later, inspiring me to run off to the local jr. high with a six pack to shake down some 6th graders for their milk money after I have them good and wasted.

Hook

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Rufio, Rufio, RU-FI-OHHHHHHH. This movie was probably terrible, but see through the filter of a tween (like I was when this came out), this movie was pretty bad-ass. Julia Roberts as Tinkerbell definitely got cached in many of adolescent boys spank banks. One thing that always bugged about this movie however was how Pan’s son was such a pussy, who for some reason harbored a grudge against Pan for not letting him blow bubbles in his chocolate milk.

Peter Pan – Animated Feature

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Back when Disney was in the business of not spewing out shit faster (PIXAR stuff excluded) than a native with dysentery, they made a mean animated feature. Although pirates are portrayed as the children hunting variety, oh. . . wait that’s awesome I want to hunt children (NOTE: when hunting children it is usually norm to get a clown costume, not a pirate outfit). In the end, Hook was a bad ass and for some reason I kind of wished he would have succeeded in killing that brat who got his hand eaten.

Treasure Island

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Countless attempts at this movie have been tried, and many have succeeded, but my favorite take on this timeless book by Robert Lewis Stevenson was the one from 1990 starring Charles Heston, and a young Christian Bale. Yeah, it might have been released on TNT and got panned by reviewers but for some reason I think it stands up.

Muppet Treasure Island

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This is the single best take on Treasure Island that stars a cast of puppets and Tim Curry. Once again, as is the case with many of the Muppet features, the primary roles are played by human actors, while the supporting ones are played by stuffed animals getting fisted. Overall it really is a good movie, and the best Muppet may indeed be Rizzo the Rat, just because he sounds like your typical New Jersey dude. This movie is a reminder of a joke I once heard. “What’s green, slimy, and smells like pork? Kermit’s finger.”

Peter Pan – 2003

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This movie is yet another remake that had a large budget and relatively skilled cast. Besides the cartoon, and Hook (which really isn’t Peter Pan), what the hell is up with Hollywood being obsessed with casting the role of the ever-rebelious, pirate killing teen to middle aged women. This has been done in early incantations of the film, as well as on the stage. It makes no sense what so ever, do women look better as pubescent boys, would teen girl heroines be better cast with grown men. How about a turn at Nancy Drew with Steve Buscemi in the lead? Would that make sense? So it is a job well done actually casting the role appropriately.