I’m usually pretty relaxed about people’s kinks. Whatever goes on in their bedroom is generally no concern of mine. You like transexual midgets dressed up as characters from early-90s cartoons? Bully for you, here’s a shemale dwarf dressed as Storm from the X-Men cartoon! However, there’s a very distinct continuum, from eyebrow raising, to “that must be fun to explain at family dinners” to “brain bleach required” and peaking at “how are you still allowed to live in society?” Lets have a look at some that cover the entire range of oddity.
17. Balloon Fetish
The balloon fetish can span a couple of different specifics. Some people like seeing others rubbing themselves against balloons, or maybe popping them. Some like watching people inflate them until they explode. Others like super-huge ones that you can stick your head inside. I’m not really sure why people are attracted to this, but in my mind, I’m sure there’s a link between balloons and breasts. Big, shiny, really light breasts. From that, you can kind of see why people rubbing against them might be hot. But then popping them? Huh, well at least it’s harmless.
Vore should be much creepier than it is, but since it’s entirely imaginary, it stays pretty early on the list. Voraphiles get off on the concept of being swallowed whole. Luckily, there aren’t many creatures on this planet that could actually do that (whales, maybe? Certainly nothing on land.) There, they will be happily comforted and surrounded by the warm linings of the stomach, while slowly digested alive by stomach acid. Sarlacc pit anyone? As someone who is slightly claustrophobic, the concept of being utterly surrounded and digested scares the hell out of me. I can kind of understand the basis of this. It’s like being spooned, but from all sides. I’m sure there’s also a desire to return to the womb tucked into the fetish too, something unbirthers take seriously, as they want to get sucked back up the vajayjay.
Usually, fucked up fetishes get blamed on guys, and their crazy sex drives. You know what? Mpreg is entirely the fault of the ladies. An evolution of gay slash pairings found in fanfiction, some squeeing fangirl somehow decided the next logical step was for one side of the lucky couple to get pregnant. Blame it on magic, mutation, aliens, or just don’t bother explaining it. Somehow, Snape is carrying Harry’s baby. Or Wolverine’s belly swells with Nightcrawler’s kid. To channel Morbo for a moment “BIOLOGY DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! GOODNIGHT!”
14. Quicksand, Pedal Pumping, Tickle Bondage, Women in Distress in general
These all fall under the general umbrella of “damsels in distress”, but often expressed in very specific ways. So you start with the basic concept of helpless women, who may or may not need rescuing. Some people seem to enjoy the prospect of the damsels being saved, others get off on the distress itself. The peril they’re involved with is then fetish-specific. The quicksand fetish has people trapped in a hazard that never really existed outside of serial films in the 50s. Tickle bondage is women tied up and then…well…tickled. Huh. Pedal pumping is even weirder, as it’s an odd combination of foot and leg fetishism, women in distress, and cars. Good lord, it’s like someone took the whole stupid “women can’t drive” joke, and made it all about sex. Yeah, these videos are women trying to use their cars, and fucking up royally. Pumping the gas pedal, revving the engine, stalled cars, working the brakes. Slightly demeaning, but generally harmless, I suppose. Until someone starts sabotaging cars in order to get their jollies.
13. Wet and Messy/Splosh
This fetish oddly seems almost completely tied to the British Isles. It’s women smearing food and dirty things all over their bodies. Getting custard dumped over their head. Baked beans down the panties. Sitting on pies. All that sort of stuff. Essentially, they take the idea of licking chocolate sauce off your loved one, and takes it to a ludicrous extreme. Sometimes called splosh, sometimes “wet and messy”, it always involves goopy fluids on a lady. Like I said, it seems to be mostly British, though you could probably link it to Japanese lotion play â€” though the latter is more closely linked to approximating ejaculate than the former. Oddly, “wet and messy” stuff has almost no content that would be considered traditional pornography, and definitely doesn’t involve urine or feces. It tends to be specific to foodstuff.
12. Gut Flopping
Femdom+masochism+BBW=gut flopping. A heavily obese woman comes up to you, usually on all fours, and drops her belly on you with full force. It combines the pain and control of your run of the mill dominatrix with the obsession and fetishization of fat that accompanies chubby chasers and feeders. The scariest thing about this fetish in particular, is the potential for damage. These ladies are large. Their stomachs are large. They’re hitting your back with a significant amount of speed and force, and you’re in a position where there’s not much support. Imagine someone dropping a bag of oranges on your back, while you’re in that position. Yeah…that’s all kinds of screwed up.
“Hey handsome, I’ve got a really dirty outfit to show you…”
“The fuck? This is just a blouse smeared with mud!”
Welcome to the world of salirophilia â€” the dirtying of clean things. Smeared dirt, mud, ripped and ill-fitting outfits. The person doesn’t get hurt, they just get…filthy. As in, actually filthy. Her mussed, makeup smeared, clothes torn. I suppose this makes sense, as an extension of the “just fucked” look, ripping off clothes to get at someone? Or as a kind of objectification/demeaning S&M thing? But then it it goes into even weirder territories. Apparently it sometimes turns into people getting off on defacing pictures and statues of famous and beautiful people. Yup, there’s nothing sexier than scrawling marker all over a poster of a movie star. I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it.
10. Mucophilia and Nasophilia
I just don’t get these ones. Fetishes and fascination with mucus and noses. What? At least with urine and feces, I can abstractly understand what’s going on there. I suppose they both come from extremely sexualized organs? Or perhaps a fetishization of the disallowed and filthy? But snot? An orifice completely non-sexual? A bodily fluid associated with being ill? What? Do they look at girls passing on the street, and say “check out the nose on her!”?
9. Amputation Fetish
I’m going to make a distinction with this. I’m not talking about people afflicted with Apotemnophilia, who suffer a form of body integrity disorder, and feel the compulsion to remove a limb. Rather, it’s people who are drawn to the remains of what was once a healthy limb. Is it an evolved form of damsels in distress? Getting turned on by people with disabilities who are helpless? There’s certainly something to be said for amputees and otherwise disabled people reclaiming their sexuality â€” but the people who exclusively get turned on by this? That’s weird. I’m sorry guys, but when you’re starting to lust over someone just because they don’t have the physical ability to escape you? Yeah…
You know what’s super hot? How in Mission: Impossible, they’d pull of the mask, and it would be someone completely different! Now, imagine if it was a guy dressed up as a girl! And the mask was a less convincing version of what the Wayans Brothers wore in White Girls. Welcome to the utterly batfuck crazy world of masking. Where putting on a plastic mask vaguely resembling a woman is all of a sudden very, very hot. I have no issue at all with crossdressers, or traps in general. Just the moment you put on a fake face? That crosses a very distinct line. I know that some Japanese folk like to wear masks to look like anime characters, and that I can deal with, as they’re not meant to look normal or real. They’re cartoons, right? But maskers? They try and look like real women, but are so deep in the uncanny valley, they’d give the conductor of the Polar Express the heebie jeebies. I’m sorry gentlemen, you terrify the utter hell out of me.
Imagine the feeling of a beetle, crawling up your inner thigh. Or ants, swarming over your lower back, thousands of prickly legs all over you. Did that turn you on? Congratulations, you have formicophilia, you sick bastard. You enjoy the feeling of insects and worms, crawling, climbing and sliding all over your body. Hell, you probably even enjoy them stinging. Do I need to explain why this is screwed up? And terrifying? Just thinking about it makes me want to grab a can of Raid, and coat every inch of my house in the most toxic chemicals man can devise. I flip out if a moth flies past me at night, and I can’t get to sleep after. You enjoy that? I’m pretty sure that means you’ve resigned from the human race.
You know something ain’t right when your idea of a sexy movie is Titanic â€” an only because you like the part where the boat sinks. Symphorophiles get off on watching accidents and disasters, like earthquakes and car crashes. David Cronenberg made a movie on the topic in 1996, starring James Spader, about people who could only get off by reenacting car accidents. I’m sorry, there’s not a lot I can think to say here. These people get their rocks off from death and destruction. From horrible acts of tragedy and god. That’s just wrong.
You know what a plushie is? They take stuffed animals, and add vaginas to them. So they can fuck them. That’s right, they have sex with stuffed animals. What the fuck? Seriously? That’s quite possibly the worst thing humanly imaginable. You take one of the purest, most un-sexual objects in creation, and stick your cock in it? That’s horrible. Utterly, utterly horrible. I don’t mind that you have a fursuit, or a fursona. I don’t care that you actually believe that you’re a reincarnated weredragonfairy. I really, really don’t give a crap who you want to yiff. But you have sex with stuffed animals? No. Not cool. Fuck right off.
Take the widespread womanly love of “bad boys” to its unnatural extreme and you get hybristophilia â€” the arousal of people causing violent crime. Commonly known as Bonnie and Clyde syndrome, it’s the reason mass murderers get letters in the joint, and groupies to shag them on conjugal visits. You know what? It’s actually kind of common, at least on the fantasy level. You think Heath Ledger was darkly sexy as the Joker? Gary Oldman in Leon? Johnny Depp in Once Upon A Time In Mexico? Guess what, you’re a low level hybristophile! Which isn’t so bad, until you spring a serial killer from jail, and proceed to go at it like weasels in heat while carving a bloody path down the country, trying to get to Mexico.
There are two types of pyromaniacs: those who get a rush from the flames, and those that get off on it. Can you guess which type falls on this list? People who suffer this disease get sexual gratification from starting fires. Going camping with these guys would be just about the freakiest thing imaginable. “Hey Bob…why are you looking at the fire that way?” Or bringing a date home, for a romantic cuddle in front of a log fire, before rapidly devolving into humping a burning log? Can you imagine trying to explain the burn marks to your doctor? “She was so sexy, with the sparks, and licks of flame! I just couldn’t help myself!”. Seriously though, if you’re at the point where you’re lighting things on fire to get off, you’ve gone from fetish to needing psychological help.
Bestiality is wrong. That’s pretty screwed up. But combine that with people who enjoy inflicting pain and you get a special kind of heinous. Zoosadism: deriving pleasure from torturing animals. There’s a special level in hell for these people, because there is nothing I can imagine more horrific than hurting an animal for your own pleasure. Have you heard about crush videos? Where women in heels trample small animals to death? Can you actually imagine the point in your life, where you think “I know, I want to masturbate to a baby mouse being killed”? My rage at the very basic principle here is so complete, that I’m just about incoherent. There is nothing at all redeemable about anyone who practices this. Sorry, but you’re one of the worst possible things a human can be.
1. Autassassinophilia and Erotophonophilia
So what in the world could possibly be worse than what we covered above? Only a fetish with the very real possibility of someone dying in the act. Autassassinophiles are turned on by the chance they might die during sex; erotophonophiles get off on murder. A perfect combination, no? This isn’t just like enjoying getting choked while in bed, this is a real, actual and physical threat of their own demise. Or on the flip side, the serial killer-ish sexual arousal from the murders of others. These people are a serious danger to themselves and others. Yeah, that’s totally hot.