Can we all just stop claiming that shit is breaking the internet. The internet didn’t break because Kim Kardashian’s ass was able to balance a champaign glass, oddly enough the one talent she actually possesses, or because tiny hamsters ate a burrito.
Time Magazine recently posted the “top 10” things that have broken an internet, and they are all incredibly stupid in their own right. It all started when Kimmy K. proved once again that she’s a huge skank, and then continued with our tiny hamster friends, the potato salad Kickstarter, the sexy felon, and even a Renée Zellweger plastic surgery non-story? Hell even an iPhone 6 case unveiling claimed the #BreakingTheInternet hashtag.
WHERE IS THE SUBSTANCE?
The one thing all of these stories have in common? A ton of social shares and exactly zero substance. I love to look at Grumpy Cat as much as the next person, but millions of views is a blink in the internets eyes. There are news agencies that now serve more than one billion pageviews per month (ever heard of Buzzfeed?), and I assure you they are not “breaking the internet” with their huge number of views. Buzzfeed’s massively viral quizzes can’t even break the internet, even if they do finally reveal “what type of cat” you are, or why your boyfriend isn’t as loyal as your mom or your parakeet, or pretty much anything that doesn’t have a penis.
It’s Not Even The Viral Stuff
The biggest problem with the #BreakingTheInternet hashtag is that the stuff being reported isn’t even the most viral news or stories on the web. There are YouTube videos with 500 million to 1 billion views and none of them are breaking the internet, or even causing server-side issues for YouTube. Even those videos are a blimp on the social web.
Sure Kim Kardashian had people talking, but that tends to happen any time a celebrity had nudes released for the general public. Especially when they do the releasing.
The ‘Just Don’t Get It’ Crowd
Then there are the users who are constantly #BreakingTheInternet with their stupid vines and photos that nobody cares about. Each tweet they send or Facebook post they publish receive 10 likes from their immediate family and close friends. Sorry, but you are not breaking the internet, but you are breaking my hope in the future of humanity. Sorry but your selfies are not breaking the internet, either is the picture of your incredibly normal looking cat.
Here are some of the clueless people who are “breakingmypatience”
— Ash (@ashbashpitcairn) March 24, 2015
— Genius Marketing (@geniusmarket) March 20, 2015
— Ashley Acompora (@aswavvescrash) March 5, 2015
At least some people understand that #BreakingTheInternet is a stupid term:
Annoying, overused online verbiage: #BreakingtheInternet. Enough.
— Michael Starr (@StarrMSS) March 6, 2015
Here are a few things that could actually break the internet
Danny Devito? Ok, No, but a super virus could knock out internet access to large groups of people for a short period of time.
Nuclear War Could Definitely Cause Our Internet Connections To Go Down. If Not The Bomb, Then The EMP that Results From The Bomb.
The End Of Net Neutrality. The internet Just Wouldn’t Be The Internet As We Know It.
Al Gore – Remember he invented the internet. If he thinks we are using it wrong, he might just take it away. STOP DENYING GLOBAL WARMING!!!
Even most of the stuff that can actually break the internet won’t actually keep it offline permanently. Excluding the end of human civilization the internet is safe. Maybe safe isn’t the right word for it, there are some weird dudes doing dirty stuff to sheep and donkey’s on the web. Thankfully the internet is at least based on a foundation that isn’t about to disappear.