Either we’re on Candid Camera or kooky couple Randy and Evi Quaid truly are “CooCoo for Coco Puffs.”
If you thought you’d already heard the best of The Quaids ramblings about those pesky StarWhacker, who are out to kill them — leaving a trail of unpaid hotel bills in their wake, pull up a chair.
Have we got a bedtime story for you.
On Tuesday, Esquire.com published a must-read scoop in the form of a three-hour sit-down interview with
the National Lampoon’s star and his odd bride. The couple are currently living in Evi’s native Canada, seeking asylum from criminal trespassing charges in California. For the first time, speaks out in detail for the first time on The Starwhackers, an Illuminati-esque faction they believe are responsible for targeting a host of their celebrity friends — including Heath Ledger, David Carradine, Chris Penn, and even Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, and
Michael Jackson. Perhaps most surprisingly, Randy predicting their own death, perhaps by knife, by double-hanging, or by lethal doses of Demerol planted in their car.
Esquire reporter-at-large Chris Jones pens the tale: “Their most likely end, the Quaids believe, will involve knives. Randy will be drugged in his sleep â€” ‘They know he has sleep apnea,’ she says â€” and Evi will be stabbed to death. Then they will put the knife in his hand. He will wake up and be locked away forever. Or he will kill himself in his terror and grief. The Star Whackers have stolen some of his songs â€” he writes sad, introspective songs on more crumpled sheets of paper â€” and the killers will lay one out on the nightstand or the kitchen counter.”
Jones continues: “‘Randy’s songs read like suicide notes,’ Evi says. That’s how the cops will read them. Or they will be hanged together, Randy and Evi, strung up from the rafters in a garage. Another song will surface. It will be ruled a double suicide….Or they will be found in their car, parked overlooking the steel-gray sea, and they will be found sitting, frozen, hand-in-hand, their insides brimming with a lethal dose of Demerol, administered through Evi’s stolen migraine medication.”
Evi On The RadarOnline.com Conspiracy: “RadarOnline is owned by the police. They called the Dairy Queen in Marfa, Texas, to spread rumors about us when we lived there. Everything came out of the Dairy Queen.”
Who Are The Starwhackers? “The same people who killed Robert Blake’s wife? Or maybe the people who killed Phil Hartman and his wife? The people who shot that poor woman in Phil Spector’s house? The people who gave Michael Jackson those tainted drugs?”
-The Quaids On Facing Certain Death: “We’re this close to solving our own murder. It’s the only way I’ll be able to keep Randy alive.”