As Amy Winehouse would say, “What kind of fuckery is this?!” Is nothing from our beloved 1980s sacred? Strawberry Shortcake will be back this Fall as part of a new line of “scented dolls” from toy-making machine Hasbro. Unfortunately, this “ain’t” 1984’s Strawberry Shortcake. The assclowns over at American Greetings decided Strawberry needed a “facelift” in order to compete with those bubbly-eyed Bratz dolls that are all the rage on the nation’s toy aisles. Since modern girls would likely find walking around with an original Strawberry Shortcake doll the equivalent of holding a Loser Stick, manufacturers aimed for a design without cutesy curls and frilly bloomers. They came up with this.

Strawberry Shortcake now prefers fresh fruit to gumdrops, appears to wear just a dab of lipstick (but no rouge), and spends her time chatting on a cellphone instead of brushing her calico cat, Custard, The New York Times writes.

In fact, several classic cartoon characters will soon be getting a new image:

Warner Brothers hopes to “reinvigorate and reimagine” Bugs Bunny and Scooby-Doo through a new virtual world on the Internet, where people will be able to dress up the characters pretty much any way they want. American Greetings is dusting off another of its lines, the Care Bears, which will return with a fresh look this fall (less belly fat, longer eyelashes).