Lindsay Lohan’s Shoes Are Out to Destroy Her

Today we celebrate the 25th birthday of one Miss Lindsay Lohan, a once-promising young actress who–

Wait. What? SHE’S ONLY 25?

Wow. All those meth-and-vodka facials have really taken their toll.

Anyway, as LiLo puts her first (very) well-worn quarter-century behind her and moves on to the next, she has a fresh new controversy on her hands. Or maybe her feet.

Just hours after completing a month’s staycation at her beachfront home — better known as “house arrest” in legal circles — Lohan said she’d learned her lesson and wouldn’t steal or drink or snort the entire domestic product of Columbia anymore. Then she put on her Snuggie and settled in with the cats for a “Little House on the Prairie” marathon on the Hallmark Channel.

Ha! I kid.

No, of course she got all dolled up in her “What Ever Happened to Baby Jane” finest and went to a Hollywood club. Because that’s totally smart, you guys!

But it isn’t what happened inside that’s caused the stir. It’s what happened when she left.

In a show of total sobriety and clean-living, she proceeded to stumble, trip, and fall in front of the waiting paparazzi. Between photos taken earlier in the night that show her looking droopy-lidded and slurry (see above) and the three-ring circus outside, some websites and publications jumped to the completely ridiculous conclusion that she’d been drinking.

But Linds says those stupid photographers and their stupid baseless accusations can suck it because IT WAS HER SHOES. Her shoes made her fall down go boom. She even posted a picture of the vindictive demon footwear.

Truth be told, they DO look perilous. And if Jennifer Aniston or Heidi Klum or Beyonce or anyone else who’s not known for having a substance abuse problem had worn them and taken a spill, everyone would’ve laughed and editorials about the absurdity of modern women’s fashions would’ve been written and maybe Gloria Allred would’ve called a press conference and claimed the shoes make women sleep with married celebrities or something.

Hell, even when Lady Gaga wears silly shoes and falls down (as she often does), no one assumes she’s drunk. They just think she’s an idiot for wearing such silly shoes.

But this is Lindsay Lohan we’re talking about. When you’ve had a few DUI arrests and been photographed with powder on your nose that didn’t come from Sephora and then you wind up busting your ass outside a nightclub, people will connect the dots. That’s not jumping to conclusions. That’s being so wildly familiar with a conclusion that you’ve moved in and put family photos on the mantel.

So happy birthday, Lindsay. And don’t start wearing flats. They’re harder to blame when you faceplant in parking lots.

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