Hulk Hogan Sex Tape Arrives Online

Break out the Brain Bleach and avert your eyes! Wrestling legend Hulk Hogan is the latest star to have a sex tape leaked to the Interwebs.

Unfortunately for fans of the incredible Hulk’s wrestling career, he pulls no notable maneuvers in the bedroom.

In the grainy 30-minute video, obtained by Gawker, the muscleman engages in a sex romp with a mystery brunette allegedly identified as Heather Clem. Clem just happens to be the former wife of Hulk’s best friend, DJ Bubba the Love Sponge.

“He stands on the side of the bed and the woman scoots up from the pillows and resumes giving the former WWE heavyweight champion of the universe a blowjob. It is a slow, dutiful blowjob and Hulk is thrusting himself into her mouth to speed up the process. This goes on for a few minutes and at one point Hulk examines the canopy bed curtains in a way that suggests he’d like to purchase this particular style for his own canopy bed some day. She takes a break. She spits loudly. She resumes for a few seconds, but it appears the spit has worked because Hulk mutters something in a growly sex voice. The woman removes him from her mouth and spins around on the bed like an excited puppy…Then we watch Hulk stand up and clumsily attempt to roll a condom on to his erect penis which, even if it has been ravaged by steroids and middle-age, still appears to be the size of a thermos you’d find in a child’s lunchbox. Hulk hurls his massive body on to the canopy bed and the woman climbs on top, finally, and they begin. There is lots of squealing and moaning from her and she says stuff like, ‘I want to make you cum’ and ‘Your dick feels so good inside me’ — that sort of thing. There is light spanking from Hulk done to show he supports her efforts and is close to orgasming.”

In March, Hulk acknowledged the tape’s existence saying he was “appalled” to hear that the footage was being shopped around to various adult sites. The WWE champion’s lawyer issued a statement claiming that Hulk did not approve the filming or release of the tape.

“It is clearly an outrageous invasion of privacy and breach of trust if it is genuine. We will take all necessary steps to enforce both civil and criminal liability,” the statement read.