How to Answer 12 of Your Kid’s Most Awkward Questions Like a Badass

We all know that kids can and will ask questions that you simply don’t want to answer. You’ve got to say something, because they won’t stop asking it until you do. The thing is, the straight and truthful answers to some of these questions aren’t exactly the sort of thing you tell a child, and often lead to even more questions if you aren’t careful. Here we’re going to answer 12 of the most common, most awkward questions that your kid may ask someday, and we’re going to do it like a badass. After all, the kid’s going to learn the stuff one way or another.

Why do we eat animals?

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So your kid comes home one day from school and has a puzzled look on his face. You ask what’s on his mind, and he says that little Sally from school said that she’s a vegetarian, and that meat is murder. What do you say to that, when not only does your family eat meat every day, but your kid was in the middle of a ham & cheese when the incident happened? Simple: “Don’t worry about what Sally says, she’s probably just upset that her parents won’t let her eat bacon.”

Will you die?

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When your kid asks you the inevitable question of whether or not you’re an immortal, the easy answer is a definitive I am never going to die — but that’s cheating a bit, isn’t it? How about “I might, one day, or I might not. It’s probably going to be a long, long time, and you’ll likely have little kids of your own before we ever have to worry about that sort of thing. Now go eat your bacon.”

Where do babies come from?

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When this one comes up, it’s time to either get really creative, or be ready for a sex talk that will leave the kid more confused than before it started. You can try keeping it simple to buy yourself a couple of years in the interim, though: “Well, babies come from their mothers. Moms can have babies whenever they want. Now don’t worry about it.” If the kid asks further, there’s always “Go ask your mother.” (Ladies, feel free to deflect the questions toward Dad, too.)

Why is that person different?

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There’s no reason to attempt the politically correct jargon with a kid. It won’t work and they’ll be more confused afterward, so you may as well be straight with them. In the case of the above picture, you’ve got a really easy answer available to you that will not only lay some truth on the kid, but also leave him happier for the experience: “That lady is part robot. She’s a cyborg, do you know what a cyborg is? It’s a person who is part robot! Isn’t that cool? Science is great. Let’s go get you a chemistry set!”

Why does Bobby have two mommies?

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The best way out of this one without getting dragged into a lesson on homosexuality is to make something up, off the cuff, that will just make the kid stop asking. “Bobby’s dad isn’t around anymore, so his mom’s best friend helps her out.” Keep it simple.

Why don’t you and daddy live together?

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Whatever you do, don’t go all Betty Draper on the kid when this comes up. Keep your personal battle with the ex to yourself, and tell the kid something that will make sense to a tiny, undeveloped brain: “We don’t get along anymore, so we got different places. Sometimes that happens, you know, but hey — you get more birthday presents that way, don’t you?”

What does orgasm mean?

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Kids hear the most ridiculous things on TV, and with absolutely no context to go on, they end up asking questions like this. These sorts of things are exactly what sex education is for, so don’t sweat it. Just deflect: “Oh, that’s just a word people use for how chocolate tastes to old women.” May as well have some fun while the kid’s young, right?

What does adopted mean?

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Unless your kid was adopted, always start out with “You’re not adopted,” otherwise it will be the immediate followup question. After that, try something like “you remember when we got our kitty, Hellpaws? Well, we adopted Hellpaws, because she didn’t have a mommy or daddy to take care of her.”

Why won’t my pet wake up?

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This is always a tough one. You’ve got two major options to decide between when you choose the route to take in this situation: You can either take the pansy route and lie to your kid, shuffle him out of the room and dispose of the body while he’s not looking, or you can just cowboy up and teach the little fella about the circle of life. If you choose the latter, go all out with it: “He’s not really here anymore, son. He fell asleep and he died because he was sick, that happens to turtles sometimes. You know what you do when your pet dies? You give him a funeral.” Now go build a funeral pyre in the back yard.

Why were girls born without peepees?

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There’s no way out of this one, so you may as well have some fun with it and hope it buys you some time until the kid has some basic biology in school: “Boys and girls are just different that way. Because they don’t have peepees, girls have to sit down to pee. You don’t have to sit down to pee, do you? Nope. So you should just be happy that you can pee standing up. Now go finish building that funeral pyre.”

Why were you and mommy wrestling?

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If the kid has to ask, it’s obviously not time yet for the talk. “Mommy was being bad, so I had to spank her. I caught her stealing candy from the kitchen after bedtime, which is against the rules, isn’t it? That’s right, it is. Mommy knows what she did wrong and she’s sorry.”

Why is Paris Hilton famous?

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Honesty’s the best policy here. “Paris Hilton got famous for being a really bad actress in a movie that lots of people watched. It wasn’t a good movie, just boring. Later, she got more famous for getting drunk and acting silly in public places. Basically, she’s famous because people like to laugh at her and talk about how silly she is.” Kids understand that.

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