Ellen Mocks Tabloid Reports of Crumbling Marriage

Ellen DeGeneres is hitting back at tabloid reports suggesting her five year marriage to Arrested Development star Portia de Rossi is bound for Splitsville. And, because she’s Ellen, she made it funny.

In a rebuttal that aired on Wednesday’s Ellen, the comedienne felt compelled to address some reports that have surfaced in the last several months regarding her marriage to Portia — including recent whispers claiming the couple were on the rocks over DeGeneres’ alleged crush on Baywatch babe Pamela Anderson.

Here’s what Ellen had to say:

“You know, I don’t usually pay attention to tabloids and gossip magazines. Unless I’m standing in a long line at the grocery store. Then I devour them like pudding. No, I’m kidding. I don’t go to the grocery store.”

However, while at the hair salon — “getting these extensions put in” — one tabloid in particular caught her eye because:

“Portia and I were in the top right hand corner. And I thought, ‘Oh that’s so sweet, they’re honoring us.’ But then I read the headline underneath. And it said: ‘Ellen and Portia Marriage Crumbles.’ And I was like, ‘Oh, what happened? They seemed so happy.’ And then I was like, ‘Wait, I’m Ellen.’ And I should know if that was happening.”

Ellen categorically denied the “ridiculous” story: “There’s not one ounce of truth to any of it,” she declared. “I’m very happily married. In fact, the only thing we ever argue about is who loves who more…It really is true.”