All Hell broke loose in Cleveland on Thursday night. It is appears sports fanatics are jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo (Thanks Blanche!) over Ohio native son LeBron James’s announcement that he’s abandoning the city for sunny pastures in South Beach.

In Thursday’s one-hour ESPN special called “The Decision,” LeBron James announced to the world that he had decided to leave the Cleveland Cavaliers, who drafted him No. 1 overall in 2003, after seven seasons and join fellow superstars Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh on the Miami Heat. During his tenure in Cleveland, James averaged 29.7 points, 8.6 assists and 7.3 rebounds and won two MVP trophies.

Clips of rejoicing fans in downtown Miami were simultaneously met with images of LeBron’s jerseys being burned in the streets of Ohio. Many Cavs fans are angry over James’ decision to turn the most important announcement of his career into an infomercial, but none more than Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert. Angered and betrayed by LBJ’s decision to leave for Miami, Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert accused the NBA’s MVP of quitting during the playoffs in a scathing public letter late Thursday.

Gilbert posted a letter to Cavs fans on the team’s website shortly after James announced his plans to sign with the Heat — and boy was it not pretty! In the letter, Gilbert called the process on James’ free agency “narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his ‘decision’ unlike anything ever ‘witnessed’ in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.”

A livid Gilbert told Cavs fans: “You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal…I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE…The self-declared former ‘King’ will be taking the ‘curse’ with him down south.”

“And until he does ‘right’ by Cleveland and Ohio, James [and the town where he plays] will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma….I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only: DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue….” Gilbert wrote.

In the words of Amy Winehouse: What kind of fuckery is this? Hey Dan, maybe you should make like Michael Jackson and “Start with the Man in the Mirror.” Pure hilarity coming from a team owner who did zip to help LeBron take the Cavs to a championship. The man is simply tired of playing ball with a bunch of bench warmers. Can you blame him?

I’m no sports fans, but last I checked, the NBA was a business — not a charity. LeBron fulfilled the obligations of his contract, and invested money back into the Cleveland community. He owes you bitter Clevelanders nothing. Stop the heckling, abandon the community jersey burnings, and go cry into a bucket of soup or something.