You may not have heard of him yet. And all I have to say is, have you been to your local comedy club?

This up and coming comedian is my FAVORITE for a number of reasons. He’s hysterical, he goes down on me and his mom takes me shopping.

Okay, yeah, he’s my paper boy, but don’t discount him just yet. He’s really one of the funniest comic’s I’ve seen and he’s headed for a television near YOU. Also, it’s my birthday today and I’m allowed to go on and on about whatever the hell I want. My age is none of your business, but if you know what’s good for you, you will a) not ask and b) check out Shannon’s website at www.intellectualdelinquent.com.

I know this comes as a huge shocker to everyone, but a source from her management company told TMZ.com that Spear’s doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing. I have only one word to say to that: K-Fed.
Okay, I actually have a couple more. Like baby carseat, Vegas, sequened jump suit wedding, Crossroads and big snake. She’s clearly making good decisions.

The agency is annoyed that Spears reportedly became pregnant with a 2nd child just months after the birth of little dropped-on-his-head Sean Preston - and kept them in the dark about it. Britney really wants to pursue a movie career but finding her work is difficult when she’s CONSTANTLY PREGGERS. But other times, she changes her mind.

The agency said this: “She doesn’t need the money. So there’s not the usual desperate drive on her part. She’s constantly changing her mind. One minute she wants to be an actress, the next minute she wants to fly to Maui to record a new album. It seems like she’s not sure she knows what she wants to do, which makes being her agent frustrating.” Reports say that she’d had her heart set on a biobic about Janis Joplin. That must be a different Janis Joplin than the one I’m familiar with…

On a nocturnal wine induced web crawl, I stumbled across this website while searching for “celebrity polls.” On this site a German fellow named Stefan presents a clunky, dated website that brings all his passions to one place - physics, German politics and American celebrities.

He has created a celebrity polls page where you can vote for celebs in the following categories: Most beautiful, most graceful, nicest and most erotical. What exactly IS ‘erotical’? Whatever. Curious, I clicked on all four to see how people were ranked and Pamela Anderson was at the top of EVERY list. Come on, German people. She can’t be ALL those things!

Stefen also has a page dedicated to Pam and links about Pam including a list of polls dedicated specifically to Pam. Methinks we’re a little into Pam. And Pam just HAPPENS to be #1 on all his polls. This begs the question: Does Stefan sit home all day and take his own celebrity polls? I’m onto that wacky German.
“Hmmm…. the most erotical? I think I’ll go with… Pam Anderson today. Da.”

This picture is awesome.
It’s like Bono is giving the condescending pat on the arm we’d all like to give George W.

I can’t mask the fact that I think Bono is an extraordinary person. It’s easy to poo-poo famous people who do good by saying that they are grand-standing or seeking publicity. It’s even easier to say that Angelina Jolie, Richard Gere, Sting, Susan Sarandon, and the like are crazier than a shit house rat.

But who cares what their motivations are? At least they are doing something. With that much money at their disposal, I’m sure it’s easy for celebs to become very apathetic about world issues. But Bono’s dedication to last year’s Live 8 as well as other causes inspires me. And the fact that he can even gain the ear of the president for a few minutes is impressive. Granted, the president was probably spacing off and thinking about playing with a ball of yarn (per Will Farrell’s impersonation on SNL). But at least Bono can say, ‘Yes, the President sat and stared at me blankly while I told him he was a c*** sucking, self agrandising son of a b****, who can kiss my lilly white a**,’ right to his face.
Now that’s celebrity.

Okay so there’s actually very little to substantiate my little theory, but I think I’ve really uncovered something.
Over the years I’ve been watching Calista Flockhart and Fiona Apple very closely - and only just recently have I uncovered their little secret. Aha! They are actually twins, separated at birth!
Here’s the evidence I’ve collected so far:

1. Both bear a striking resemblance to each other
2. Both wafer thin
3. Both big in the 90’s but let careers wain in recent years because of “the Man” - i.e. Sony and Harrison Ford
4. Both very private and make rare public appearances
5. In their respective artforms, both play the part of moody, empowered, post-feminist saps

More to come… just remember you read it here first!