You may not have heard of him yet. And all I have to say is, have you been to your local comedy club?

This up and coming comedian is my FAVORITE for a number of reasons. He’s hysterical, he goes down on me and his mom takes me shopping.

Okay, yeah, he’s my paper boy, but don’t discount him just yet. He’s really one of the funniest comic’s I’ve seen and he’s headed for a television near YOU. Also, it’s my birthday today and I’m allowed to go on and on about whatever the hell I want. My age is none of your business, but if you know what’s good for you, you will a) not ask and b) check out Shannon’s website at www.intellectualdelinquent.com.

I know this comes as a huge shocker to everyone, but a source from her management company told TMZ.com that Spear’s doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing. I have only one word to say to that: K-Fed.
Okay, I actually have a couple more. Like baby carseat, Vegas, sequened jump suit wedding, Crossroads and big snake. She’s clearly making good decisions.

The agency is annoyed that Spears reportedly became pregnant with a 2nd child just months after the birth of little dropped-on-his-head Sean Preston - and kept them in the dark about it. Britney really wants to pursue a movie career but finding her work is difficult when she’s CONSTANTLY PREGGERS. But other times, she changes her mind.

The agency said this: “She doesn’t need the money. So there’s not the usual desperate drive on her part. She’s constantly changing her mind. One minute she wants to be an actress, the next minute she wants to fly to Maui to record a new album. It seems like she’s not sure she knows what she wants to do, which makes being her agent frustrating.” Reports say that she’d had her heart set on a biobic about Janis Joplin. That must be a different Janis Joplin than the one I’m familiar with…

On a nocturnal wine induced web crawl, I stumbled across this website while searching for “celebrity polls.” On this site a German fellow named Stefan presents a clunky, dated website that brings all his passions to one place – physics, German politics and American celebrities.

He has created a celebrity polls page where you can vote for celebs in the following categories: Most beautiful, most graceful, nicest and most erotical. What exactly IS ‘erotical’? Whatever. Curious, I clicked on all four to see how people were ranked and Pamela Anderson was at the top of EVERY list. Come on, German people. She can’t be ALL those things!

Stefen also has a page dedicated to Pam and links about Pam including a list of polls dedicated specifically to Pam. Methinks we’re a little into Pam. And Pam just HAPPENS to be #1 on all his polls. This begs the question: Does Stefan sit home all day and take his own celebrity polls? I’m onto that wacky German.
“Hmmm…. the most erotical? I think I’ll go with… Pam Anderson today. Da.”

This picture is awesome.
It’s like Bono is giving the condescending pat on the arm we’d all like to give George W.

I can’t mask the fact that I think Bono is an extraordinary person. It’s easy to poo-poo famous people who do good by saying that they are grand-standing or seeking publicity. It’s even easier to say that Angelina Jolie, Richard Gere, Sting, Susan Sarandon, and the like are crazier than a shit house rat.

But who cares what their motivations are? At least they are doing something. With that much money at their disposal, I’m sure it’s easy for celebs to become very apathetic about world issues. But Bono’s dedication to last year’s Live 8 as well as other causes inspires me. And the fact that he can even gain the ear of the president for a few minutes is impressive. Granted, the president was probably spacing off and thinking about playing with a ball of yarn (per Will Farrell’s impersonation on SNL). But at least Bono can say, ‘Yes, the President sat and stared at me blankly while I told him he was a c*** sucking, self agrandising son of a b****, who can kiss my lilly white a**,’ right to his face.
Now that’s celebrity.

Okay so there’s actually very little to substantiate my little theory, but I think I’ve really uncovered something.
Over the years I’ve been watching Calista Flockhart and Fiona Apple very closely – and only just recently have I uncovered their little secret. Aha! They are actually twins, separated at birth!
Here’s the evidence I’ve collected so far:

1. Both bear a striking resemblance to each other
2. Both wafer thin
3. Both big in the 90’s but let careers wain in recent years because of “the Man” – i.e. Sony and Harrison Ford
4. Both very private and make rare public appearances
5. In their respective artforms, both play the part of moody, empowered, post-feminist saps

More to come… just remember you read it here first!

On a fabulous vacation serving as groupie to my comedian boyfriend we had the fortune of staying at the Club Med in Port St. Lucie, Florida.
For struggling writers like us, this was the HIGH LIFE.
Open buffet, sun, water, and all the booze you can stomach.

Also drawn to the Club Med, apparently, are celebrities like Eddie Money. Remember that guy? Eddie freakin Money! And we almost saw this bastion of rock and roll puttering around the Club Med golf course. We didn’t ACTUALLY see him, but I heard the dirt from a drunk at the comedy club that night. This guy, a UPS delivery driver, was paired with Eddie Money and a couple of his buddies for a round of golf.

When UPS guy asked Eddie if he minded if he smoked a little pot, Eddie and his buddies were IN. After that, they were fast friends, and UPS guy was invited to their concert that night at some tiny venue and then back stage to party. UPS guy, wasted at the club, said it “blew his mind.” No doubt.

Howard Stern should be my boyfriend because he’s an asshole. I guess I just have that smell.
And as he debuts on Sirius satalite radio this week (which I bought my road-comic boyfriend for Christmas this year even though he’s also an asshole), one has to wonder – when is he going to bang one of those chicks ON AIR and what will it sound like?
Wait.
Give me a minute.
I just got a little nausous.
(Puts head between legs)
Okay I’m fine now.
My point is Howard Stern not an attractive man. And on the ridiculous E! Television version of his radio show, he’s just a creepy guy who gets to tie Playboy Playmates to The Tickle Pole and dig his spidery fingers into their rib cages. In return, they get to plug their new “Two Blonds and a Blow Up Doll” DVD on post-10 p.m. television. No real or even interesting content.
Don’t get me wrong.
There’s a time and a place for porn and strippers. But this is RADIO. And even Maxim Radio (also on Sirius) has the good sense to mix a little comedy and sports in with their titilating conversations. Give the men what they want! Unfortunately, because Howard is on a crusade for “free speech,” the only way he can be truly shocking once again is to fuck ‘em while you and I listen. I’m pretty sure that’s not what most his fans want. The fact that that man is getting laid anyway is truly insulting.

You may not recognize the name.
He’s that flamboyant, pink tuke wearing designer, and winner of Bravo’s ‘Project Runway’ last season. Okay, so maybe you didn’t watch that…
All I have to say to that is, ‘Either you’re in or your out.’
(Little Heidi Klum reference there for ya).

In any case, you should have watched it because it was exciting to see the new (and sometimes downright boring – I’m looking at you Wendy Pepper) designs of the contestants. But more than that, it was really good reality TV. It’s one of he few reality shows out there where people actually have to have a skill and a career path besides reality TV. Besides that, however, it was the same closet-talking back-stabbing shit you see everywhere else.
Except for Jay.

He was seriously the only person on that show that would say the same thing to a person’s face as he did to the camera. And the stuff he said wasn’t just catty – it was his honest opinion. Maybe they cut out his catty stuff, but I dug his candor. Also his designs were the most original, the most edgy, and the most different than anything today on the runway. Which, I guess, is why he won.

And which, I guess, they’ve given him his own show on Bravo called, creatively, ‘Project Jay.’ They haven’t announced when it will air – probably next year sometime – but I’m STOKED about it. I’m excited to see what Jay will do with his prizes: representation with an agency, a spread in Elle, mentorship from Banana Republic, and $100K to start his own line. I’m STOKED.

I hope we see a different Tom Cruise in 2006. A quieter one. Shhh, Tom. Just shhhh, okay.

Whoever was to blame for Cruise’s 2005 publicity debacles, it worked in a way. He had our undivided, mortified attention. Tom’s decision to can his sister-publicist (dubbed ‘publisister’ by some) last month could indicate that she was a simply a shitty publicist.

But it’s possible that the publicity stunts were Tom’s idea or a joint effort, and someone has to take a fall for him to save face. Whoever is to blame, all we’ve seen since March is Tom’s love sick exclaimations, self-righteous cajoling and his midget self bounding on Oprah’s couch.

Let’s just recap Tom’s worst and worser of 2005 shall we?

March: Tom fires his long-time publicist and hires his sister
April: Tom goes public with his new ‘relationship’
May: Tom declares his love for Katie Holmes by bounding Oprah’s couch and punching the air
May: Tom slams Brooke Sheilds for the using anti-depressants
June: Tom drives Scientology into the brains of anyone within earshot, scoffs at others’ basis in reality
June: Matt Lauer’s questions (he interviews people FOR A LIVING) makes him ‘glib’ according to Tom
June: Tom gets squirted in the face on the red carpet by British comedian – lectures him like my grampa
October: Tom ‘impregnates’ Katie Holmes
November: Tom buys at-home ultrasound machine – to keep an eye on midget alien baby inside Katie – despite FDA warnings
November: Tom fires sister, hires veteran publicist
December: Tom takes Katie to a toy store for her birthday – takes a plush Tinky-Winky home in her place

Cruise’s behavior and statements this year have drawn fire from many very important and famous people besides myself – Lauren Bacall, Brooke Sheilds, even Tom lover cutie-petutie Rosie O’donnell. I can only hope that Tom will wise up and shut it, if for no other reason than to ease the cries of his innocent alien baby.