12 Superheroes That Are Actually Assholes
Throughout the history of comic books, there have always been a few concrete truths shared between all graphic novels: where there is good, there is evil; where there is a problem, there is an ongoing effort to find a solution. As with most protagonists, they are not just born for the sake of doing good – rather, trying to find the root of their life’s problem by taking down crime lords that were tied to a rather disturbing incident from their childhood (or something amazingly similar to fit the plotline). What you may not have realized, is that most of these superheroes we looked up to are actually selfish assholes.
The Punisher
Frank Castle, albeit known as an anti-hero, is a vigilante. His ‘save the day’ methods are more than tying burglars to a lamppost and leaving a note for the police – No; they usually involve kidnapping, extortion, and murder. The roots of Punisher’s problems come from the all too typical family getting murdered scenario. After Punisher gets revenge on his family’s killers, he doesn’t just stop there. He wages a full out war on the mob, and frankly any criminal that pisses him off on any given day. Although the Punisher is an asshole, he’s also pretty damn entertaining to watch.
Batman
Bruce Wayne is another shining example of a normal guy (although filthy rich) driven to superhero status after the death of his parents. When he witnessed his parents get murdered, he took an oath to get revenge on not only the person solely responsible for the murder, but criminals in general. Batman is an asshole in both of his personas. Bruce Wayne is a billionaire playboy, with a smart-ass personality. As Batman, he would race down a city street in the Batmobile, endangering people’s lives and blowing up cars with errant use of his car’s weaponry and not even batting an eye about it.
Guy Gardner
Guy Gardner was a core member of Green Lantern’s crew. Following the superhero trend, Guy had family issues. His father was a raging alcoholic that beat Guy, so as a kid he felt the need to excel in school to impress his father and win his approval. After failing to impress his father, Guy decided to be a juvenile delinquent and get a bowl cut. After the teen-angst phase, Guy starts to be a genuinely nice human being. When Justice League International was established, Guy was a founding member – but he was extremely jealous of Batman’s leadership of the group, so he made a dick-move and challenged Batman to a fistfight, during which Batman basically one-punched him just to shut him up. After that, Guy was all about arguing with his fellow JLI mates until one day he quit due to being ‘belittled’ by Superman.
Tony Stark
Tony Stark, aka Iron Man is an asshole in his own right. A natural businessman and capitalist extraordinaire, his ascension from regular billionaire to superhero status was brought on only after being kidnapped and suffering a heart trauma. His captors forced him to build a badass weapon, which turned out to be a suit of armor with some special weaponry. What really makes Tony Stark an admirable asshole is the fact that he has continued to roll out products for profit.
Hancock
John Hancock is a scruffy homeless looking man. A drunk with superpowers that he uses to occasionally rescue people from harm, Hancock is incredibly careless and destructive. Due to his drinking problem, he seems to have trouble getting motivated to do much good for anyone. Throughout the storyline Hancock seems to put forth the effort to improve his public image with the help of a publicist, however he always seems to find himself reverting back to the same old self-destructive bad attitude.
Gambit
Remy LeBeau is a Louisianan with a bad mullet. He harnesses tremendous amounts of energy and channels it into objects, making him quite a versatile weapon. His weapon of choice is playing cards (honestly, who throws cards?) Aside form that, turning against the X-Men crew and being generally delinquent define the latter part of his career made him a real asshole.
Booster Gold
Michael Jon Carter is one of the most ridiculous characters ever created. Known as a showboating glory-hog from the future, his antics usually included staging heroic acts by using his knowledge of the past (or in this case, the present) to obtain fame and notoriety. Also, he wore one of the most outrageous costumes, which kind of put him up as a valid candidate as one of the biggest assholes in the superhero universe.
The Comedian
Edward Morgan Blake was another vigilante that had superhero ambitions. Over the years Blake became quite the patriot and hero to the United States. The Comedian was depicted wearing a leather outfit and a mask over his eyes. What makes the Comedian borderline evil is his willingness to murder anyone he wants with no remorse. Also, he made an attempt to rape Sally Jupiter. Total asshole.
Superman
Superman is nearly invincible. The only thing that can kill him is a special chunk of rock called Kryptonite. So where do we get a chunk of this incredibly powerful rock? We can’t! The planet it comes from is destroyed. Additionally, Superman has some other issues – split personality, girl problems, and lets not forget about the fact that he’s an alien. Superman is not incredibly helpful in society. Some people would argue that he goes way too easy on criminals. For example, Lex Luthor is seemingly able to get out of prison time and time again and Superman does nothing to prevent it.
The Incredible Hulk
Bruce Banner is the Incredible Hulk — a man that will walk into a dangerous situation, “Hulk out” and destroy anything in his wake. His transformation into the Hulk is completely involuntary, so anything that upsets him will make him freak out and go nuts. He gets himself into ridiculous predicaments and causes a great deal of grief to the public, mainly through unnecessary destruction of property.
The Green Lantern
Hal Jordon was quite the character. As the Green Lantern he was a seemingly average superhero, which gave him some points in the good books – up until he became Parallax when he discovered his hometown was destroyed. Parallax, the gigantic alien bug, somehow ended up killing all of the Green Lantern members, as well as any of his remaining friends, which honestly was a real dick-move.
The Suicide Squad
The Suicide Squad consisted of Jess Bright, Dr. Hugh Evans, Rick Flag, Jr., and Karin Grace. They had no super powers whatsoever, which is somewhat troubling from the get-go. The Suicide Squad’s membership was usually a rotating cast of characters, including low-life criminals that would take on missions for the Suicide Squad in exchange for early prison releases. If they were truly superheroes, and not assholes, they wouldn’t accept bribes in exchange for dirty work.
Written by David on November 25th, 2009 | Tagged as: Popular Culture
On November 25th 2009, Anon-boy! wrote:
This list is fail, Deadpool isn't even listed D:
On November 25th 2009, tiggy ol bitty wrote:
Ryan Reynolds was a Mercenary which then became a villain and became Deadpool so its fitting hes not on the list. Noob
On November 25th 2009, Carter wrote:
This list sucks. As a comic geek i do not approve. Do some research next time
On November 25th 2009, Digger wrote:
Deadpool was around before ryan reynolds portrayed him in the movie.
What about Wolverine? Walked out on the xmen so many times, takes lives of innocents without remorse, wigged out and went beast after losing his humanity?
On November 25th 2009, diego wrote:
this is lacks so much substance… pathetic
On November 25th 2009, Mr. Mxyzptlk wrote:
I approve of this list.
On November 25th 2009, Jeff wrote:
This list and writing are shite. Back to Cracked.
On November 25th 2009, Pooch wrote:
I didn't mind this article.
I agree to the assholeness of most of these heroes.
Good job.
On November 25th 2009, Chris wrote:
This list sucks. I agree with Carter. I'm not a comic geek but just no.
On November 25th 2009, richard slinger wrote:
seriously anyone that is into comics and doesnt already know this stuff is either a fucking imbecile or mentally retarded. even as a kid i know all this stuff. you belittle the intelligence of children with your assertion that they dont know this stuff.
terrible fucking list seriously i hope you get fired for being a hack that doesnt know shit about comics or much of anything else by whomever hired you in the first place, you suck
On November 25th 2009, Grant Root wrote:
Very lame. The Superman bit made no sense at all. Hancock was way too obvious. And you completely missed Hank Pym.
On November 25th 2009, Thatguy wrote:
This is a garbage article.
On November 25th 2009, raging comic nerd wrote:
You know Hal Jordan was only killing people because he was under the control of the fear entity named Parallax that took full possession of him when he entered the main power battery on oa?
Batman isn't an asshole he's the Goddamn Batman and you can't seem to get your head around it.
You obviously don't read Hulk comics.
Booster Gold tried to save Barbra Gordon from the joker's paralyzing attack and when Batman found out, he thanked him and told him he was good hero.
Hancock sucks, I agree with you on that.
Guy Gardner may be hardcase but he's a top ranked Green Lantern and actually a real softie. You haven't seen him in his relationship with the female hero Ice have you? Read the fucking sinestro corp war and Green Lantern Corps
Why does Gambit carry cards? Because Gambits fucking power is the ability to infuse objects with kinetic energy. Cards are light to carry and there's lots of them so it makes it easy for him to throw FUCKING BOMBS at the enemy.
Read some fucking Ironman and some Punisher you dolt.
On November 25th 2009, Wes wrote:
I don't think this is the best list, could be better, but all you a holes take this way too seriously and Richard Slinger should be on this list, real a hole.
On November 25th 2009, Maggie wrote:
This was just weak. There was nothing at all to prove your point but a few weak (repeated points) This is just a list of superheroes, nothing more.
On November 25th 2009, Pax wrote:
It seems you tried to use some popular heroes and pervert the reasoning to fit your theory. Some on the list belong, most don't. Agree with most posters – FAIL.
@richard slinger – dude, chill out. You're more annoying than the article.
On November 25th 2009, anita wrote:
Parents shoud oversee what their children read.Rather than fill the developing minds of their offspring with such trash they should provide them with knowledge of True Bible Heroes.
Bible Heroes were chosen by God and could not act on their own impulse.Should such a man or woman make a mistake to take matters in his or her own hand God imediately undertook steps to put him or her in his or her place. Fictional comic heroes do want they want..their lives are in contradiction to what they do and they are unaccontable to no one……not very heroic when one comesto think of it
On November 25th 2009, Paul wrote:
not quite a hero but what about Lobo?
he is a self proclaimed bastich.
Hank Pym used to beat up his wife ffs
Quicksilver was a bad guy then an avenger and then betrayed everybody because of his sister
Hancock should'nt even be on this list, he does'nt have the history that half these other characters do, and if your going to include the suicide squad, why not include The Thunderbolts
On December 3rd 2009, Daniel wrote:
Spelling errors galore, and misused idioms aplenty. I'm impressed …with how idiotic this turned out.
This is like how some people wanted others to pay attention to them, so they said "Dark Knight" sucked.
On December 3rd 2009, TobyMac wrote:
HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO JERRY!
On December 8th 2009, paul wrote:
You could tell this guy does not read comics at all.
On December 9th 2009, wordsy wrote:
hancock an new hero but his certainly fit the bill
On December 11th 2009, Double Bed Frames wrote:
Girls like . The Punisher is a stud.
On December 15th 2009, me wrote:
god damn you guys are fucking stupid for actually caring
On December 29th 2009, Seth wrote:
Wolverine?
On March 4th 2010, wildofski wrote:
Fail X's Infinity! Next job study the material first.
On March 8th 2010, Doc Awesome wrote:
This list is a complete and utter failure. Over half the people on here aren't assholes, and some of them aren't even superheroes. For instance, the Suicide Squad are supervillains pressed into government service, and if you have to be forced to do the right thing, you're not a hero. Half the reasons you give are less than flimsy as well– being an alien, having money or suffering from a personality disorder doesn't make you an asshole. Do you even read comics? Do you read at all?
On March 8th 2010, YB wrote:
Terrible list. Very superficial and uninsightful.
On March 16th 2010, Chris A (Ibadan) wrote:
The list is not complete.In Nigeria in the past we have a guy called DAUDA THE SEXY GUY.He should be on the list.
On May 11th 2010, Roqulere wrote:
*Yawn*
This list is full of fail.
On May 17th 2010, Supermannn wrote:
Your article sucks !!!! Do some research, you loser ~~~
On May 19th 2010, Sweatboy wrote:
yeah you have no substance. The only actual asshole on this list is Guy Gardner, never liked him, much, BUT he’s not all bad. I could agree on Booster Gold, all about fame, at least when he started out but he helped out a couple times when everyone was desperate. Yeah so the Hulk is big and could be a bully, but Banner couldn’t hurt a fly you MORON, so how could he be an asshole? And Bats and Superman???? Assholes???? are you FUCKING RETARDED?????? a lot of people have a problem with superman being too invincible and unreal, wtf that don’t make him a douche.
On June 22nd 2010, Danny wrote:
You know this list definitely has it’s uninformed points but this guy is definitely right about a few of these so called heroes.
1. I kinda like punisher but guess what he is a murderer. 2. In my book Batman is no better and he is the stupidest “superhero” ever. The guy has NO SUPER POWERS AT ALL. Even Iron Man has problems with all his hardware and he has a hell of a lot more than stupid Bruce. Never liked Guy Gardner. Just a preference.
The two biggest asses on this list by far are Tony Stark and Bruce Banner. Tony is a complete Dik
for not realizing that the Government does so much to screw people over and he is a villian in my book. Pre Civil war I loved Iron man.
I am sorry to all you Hulk fans but Bruce should have just commited suicide years and years ago.
I bet he has killed more people than wolverine and Punisher combinde. Ok go ahead with the hate posts. I am still right.
On June 22nd 2010, Danny wrote:
I would like to make one post that is totally different.
I feel that Hal Jordan is the greatest Superhero that DC has ever come up with. He is like Supermand and Silver Surfer put together.
I think Hal is way way underestimated.
On October 30th 2010, damnairfresh wrote:
The Hulk an asshole. I don’t know about that one.
On October 30th 2010, D wrote:
This list sucks. Your writing is atrocious. Someone said, “Go back to Cracked,” but you’re not even good enough for there.
On October 31st 2010, D.B. wrote:
How the hell do you give Superman as an asshole example and NOT link to superdickery.com? Weak.
On December 3rd 2010, K.B. wrote:
Deadpool should very well be on that list, anyone read the comic?! The fact that he is so incredible funny doesn’t take away the bad things he did. Just the way Al discribes how and why she is his prisoner… that is pure Evil. But Deadpool is the coolest charakter ever created…so…. i do not give a sh**
For the other guys… well… in the End Deadpool would kill all of them… except wolverine maybe… and other immortal guys. so long..
On January 3rd 2011, Arkzist wrote:
do not approve at all.. read some source material before you post this tripe
On February 17th 2011, Jeff Gaus wrote:
In defense of “the one true Green Lantern” Guy Gardner, if you were put into a coma for seven years during a GL mission and came out of it only to find out that Hal Jordan had married your fiance’, wouldn’t you be a bit of an A– Hole too?
P.S. Why isn’t Osmandius on the list, I mean destroying a whole city!
On February 27th 2011, giggfwwwwertttttur wrote:
What about cloud strife, or any number of ff people…..anyone heard of sheparoth?
On February 27th 2011, Sloth from The Goonies wrote:
I liked this guy comment “seriously anyone that is into comics and doesnt already know this stuff is either a fucking imbecile or mentally retarded.”
So everyone that is into comics know how stupid and retarded story lines and characters are therefor they are not “fucking imbecile or mentally retarded”
but they keep reading them… huh?
“you belittle the intelligence of children with your assertion that they dont know this stuff.”
Meaning they know they are stupid, but they are so smart that they choose to keep reading stupid picture books.
But I agree with most of the comments here.. this list sucks….
because it’s too short.
On March 2nd 2011, Blackheart wrote:
1) your overstating the obvious
2) the people who had their parents killed… KINDA UNDERSTANDABLE!!
3) Iron Man stopped making PBLIC weapons and switched to peaceful manufactureing, he only makes upgrades to the suit to KEEP THE PEACE
4)Deadpool anyone?
5) you could at least mention Galactus
sad part is i don’t read comic books, i just know this stuff!!!
On March 10th 2011, DJ Tagz wrote:
Yeah this makes sense, call majority of the well known superheroes assholes…I don’t know bout you, but I was under the assumption that this was the point. People are assholes (when I mean people I mean every living person) , that includes superheroes.
I will say this though, I wholeheartedly agree with the Superman one, It’s bullshit that the only substance that can kill Superman is in short supply on Earth, so if the son of a bitch goes rogue, everyone’s fucked. And you’d think he’d pop Lex Luthor’s head like a zit by now, he gets out of jail every time, and damn whoever says it’s immoral, he’s like a fucking demigod. the big asshole lol
On March 30th 2011, Dan wrote:
Where do you get off calling superHEROES a name like that?! If they’re a-holes then everyone can be called an a-hole. Everyone has their faults, but that word is too strong and uncalled for.