Dear Lohan Appendix:

How are you? When I heard that you were the cause of Lindsay’s latest “me time” in the hospital, I immediately jumped to conclusions that you must have been very, very bad. Toxic, even. I mean, I’ve had my own appendix removed and let me tell you, you little suckers may be completely useless but when you’re ready to make some noise OY VEY you can cause a world of pain.

Well, when I started hearing rumors that Freaky Friday was just using you to throw off the media I was pretty pissed. Exhaustion is one thing, an asthma attack another but come on – why take it out on you, her trusty appendix? THAT is NOT COOL.

I totally decided to never call her “firecrotch” (that is so 2006) but after seeing her photographed out on the town Sunday night I’m starting to think better of it. Maybe I’ll even coin a new nickname for her. “La Liar,” perhaps, or maybe “Fakey McFibs Alot.” If she had you removed on Tuesday, girlfriend would not be prancing about with The Cobrasnake, DJ Steve Aoki and Foxy Brown on Sunday night. But there are pictures to prove it, and well, sometimes you have to know when to admit defeat.

At any rate, I hope you got to enjoy a little time off for good behavior. If the other rumors are true at least you earned yourself a small respite from the vodka she was said to have been guzzling out of water bottles just last week.

Keep on keepin’ on, appendix. Maybe you should get Leslie Sloane Zelnick to represent you as well.