The glitz and glamour and red carpet of the American Idol Finale can always get under the skin of this cynic. How they get that high caliber of stars to perform, I’ll never know, but god bless the dude who makes it happen. Because filling up 2 hours with bullshit would just piss off everyone.

The show started off with Jordin Sparks and Blake Lewis performing “I Saw Her Standing There” as a duet. It was a bit saucy and surprisingly not too stupid or cheesy. Plus, they both looked totally hot.

After that the parade of stars just kept coming. Gwen Stefani performed from her tour, while wearing what looked like a gold weight-lifting belt with a bustle. Kelly Clarkson sang a very cool, very angry song called “Never Again,” while looking all bad-ass with smoky black eye makeup and a slutty-short-tight black dress with thigh-high dominatrix boots. I mean slutty in a good way, you know? And her ass was bumpin’ something fierce in that dress, too. Wow. For a white girl … baby’s got back.

There were also a bunch of collaborative performances, like the Top 6 guys singing with Smoky Robinson, who still looks and sounds really goddamn good. They were all dressed in white and did some back-up dancing, which was cute. It was more cute that Chris Sligh kept fucking it up, but looked like he was trying really hard. The Top 6 girls got to sing with Gladys Knight. Gladys fucking Knight! She is a legend and still looks gorgeous and sounded even better. It was interesting, though, that during “Midnight Train to Georgia” the only girls who sang with Gladys were Melinda and LaKisha. Hmmm. Maybe they were Gladys’ favorites. The girls were also wearing all white dresses, and although I do like Gina’s new haircut, her dress looked like a kitchen trash bag.

Throughout all of this, Ryan was handing out those Golden Idol Awards to the biggest freaks of the season. Margaret Fowler, the Big Bird woman, won for Best Presentation and she was there to accept the award and read a poem she wrote about the show. It did not rhyme; it did not make sense; it made me think she’s a tad retarded. I totally think that bizarre mumbling woman should have won for Most Original Voice, but it went to Sholandric Stallworth, basically because he sang like a bullhorn … very loud. And of course there was the Best Buddies Award, which went to Jonathan and Kenneth, otherwise known as “fat guy with a lisp in the Hawaiian shirt and monkey dude.” I feel kinda bad for them, because they appear to be a bit slow. Like, they don’t realize the only reason they’re getting attention is because people are making fun of them. Especially the monkey guy. I think he believes the public is really into him. Antonella and Amanda were up for that award too, but I think Ryan realized at the last minute that they were in the wrong category. They shoulda been in the running for Skank Whores of the Season. That’s one of the ones they don’t televise … like the Oscars for Best Lighting.

Blake had a longtime wish come true when he got to perform an awesome old-school rap song with the original human beat-box himself, Doug E. Fresh. I was riveted watching their beat-boxing battle and really appreciated that the producers gave Blake the opportunity to go all-out with what he loves and is so damn good at. I also forgot how fucking cool Doug E. Fresh is, but quickly remembered why I loved him in the 8th grade. It is time to dig through the box of cassette tapes in the basement. Melinda sang up front with a gospel duo that she used to perform background vocals with, and outshone both of them. She also looked gorgeous in a silver satin gown.

And the parade of stars continued. Tony Bennett put the “old white guy groove sucking” on Stevie Wonder’s “For Once In My Life,” and it was painfully awful. It was like watching someone’s drunk granddad jump onstage at a wedding or 50th anniversary party. He has no soul, no funk, no groove. No wonder he liked Phil so much. Then Season 4 Idol Carrie Underwood sang “I’ll Stand By You,” looking a little Stevie Nicks-ish in that long flowy top. I don’t know, I think it worked for her. I was even digging the Barbie hair. Plus, she just has such a pretty, pretty voice.

The African kids were back, singing and dancing their little hearts out. They were very cute, but were the leopard print outfits necessary? Really? I mean, what are they trying to make these kids seem like … the fucking Flintstones?

I knew we couldn’t get through this finale party without some cheesy hoo-hah about Sanjaya, and so there was a video montage tribute, then he sang “You Really Got Me” with Aerosmith’s Joe Perry on guitar. That song was Sanjaya’s best performance and he looked like he was having fun, relaxed and silly, but it was a bit of a cheesefest. And it looks like he got into the hot rollers again. Joe Perry fucking rocks, though.

And how about Green Day performing John Lennon’s “Working Class Hero?” Nice. I love that Billie Joe never got his teeth fixed, even after becoming a huge rock star; it’s so fucking cute. Although I’m not really liking the longer hair. Their rendition of this song was impressive, kinda haunting, and it was very cool that they kept John’s voice singing the last two lines. Then Bette Midler! Holy shit, I could hardly believe it. She looks fabulous and is just so sassy; I love her. It didn’t sound like she was 100% on her game with the singing, but she’s totally diva-licious so who fucking cares.

Previous Idols were out in force, with the glaring absence of Fantasia. Don’t know what that was about, maybe she’s too busy on Broadway. Taylor Hicks sang “Heaven Knows” off his album, which was good, but apparently not doing very well. He’s still the funkiest white boy around, and I loved seeing his energy back on that stage. Jordin and Reuben Studdard sang “You’re All I Need to Get By” and it was pitch perfect. Reuben’s voice is still satiny smooth and he looked sharp as hell in his pinstriped suit.

The whole gang did a tribute to Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, with Kelly Clarkson kicking things off by singing the title track accompanied by Joe Perry on guitar. It was rockin’. Then Taylor sang that creepy song “A Day In The Life” about the dude who shot himself in his car and Carrie performed an unfamiliar “She’s Leaving Home.” Reuben sang the LSD tribute song, “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds,” then the Top 12 did “With a Little Help from My Friends.”

Finally, it was results time and guess what? Jordin Sparks won. No shit? Like anyone couldn’t see that coming a mile away, right? It was awesome, she was all beside herself but managed to get through her song of triumph, only breaking down at the end. The boo-hooeys were for real this time and it was so cool to see how proud her parents were. Yay.

Blake shouldn’t be disappointed though. He’s gonna have offers banging down his door and girls trying to fuck him all over America.

Another season is over and I just wanna thank everybody who read my blog and hope you all got at least one good laugh here and there. See you in January!