Ladies and gentlemen, we have our Top 24! I was happy to note that the producers chose to show all of the contestants as they sat in the judgment chair, so at least I had an idea of what the hell must have happened during the group auditions that we didn’t get to see.

I saw quite a few people get kicked off who I didn’t know or care much about, but I’ll give a quick rundown anyway for those readers who may actually give a shit.

· Bernard Williams
· Eric Davis
· Thomas Lowe
· Jerome Chism
· Joelle James
· 3 random-looking girls, I didn’t catch their last names, sorry. Olivia, Tatiana, and Monique

However, there were a few homeward bound contestants that I did give a shit about. First, Anna Kearns the 6’4” Amazon. Not that she had the best voice, (which she admitted while arguing with the judges about their decision to send her packing) but she was fucking HUGE! Imagine the group numbers with her in some 4-inch heels? What a spectacle it could have been. Oh, well.

Tami Gosnell also got ousted and I’m damn pissed about it actually. Here was a girl who bore no resemblance to a skanky whore, had a terrific smile, a sensational voice, and seemed totally genuine. Exactly what didn’t they like? Her lip piercing? That she kept her intimate body parts covered up? Would they have kept her if she showed some ass-crack cleavage?

I also had to say goodbye to my two hunky teddy bears, Jimmy McNeil and Tommy Daniels. Dammit. At the end, when it came down to Tommy vs. Sundance, I would’ve bet my firstborn child that Tommy was in. Well, I woulda lost that kid, because Sundance stayed, despite fucking up royally during the group round.

The girl stand-off at the end of the show was between Marisa and Antonella. Oh, they were all sweet riding up in the elevator together, hugging and shit, but you could see that they truly hate each other. They’re both that evil bitchy type, so it really didn’t matter much to me who stuck around, but it was kinda fun to see Marisa have a nervous breakdown after she got canned. Tee hee.

The 12 guys and 12 girls who’ll be duking it out each week for our votes make up an interesting group. Four of the girls (Amy, Alaina, Haley, and Nicole) could basically be the same fucking person. They’re all very, very boring. I couldn’t tell ya who was who if you offered me a free bag of Cheetos. Leslie, Stephanie, Jordin and Sabrina seem okay, but I haven’t seen enough of them to really tell. But I am digging Sabrina’s Ramen Noodle hairdo. Makes me hungry for soup. Antonella will be our Super Bitch this season, Gina Glockson will be tagged as the one who’s “different” because she has a red streak in the front of her hair.

But I do love Lakisha and Melinda. Lakisha for her maturity and grace. She looks like a beautiful person inside and out, like my beloved Mandisa from last year. Melinda I love because she has a very rare, but precious quality: humility. She doesn’t have an ego the size of a Pontiac. She’s got a killer voice and is simply darling. Love her.

The group of boys is a better mix, with some strong personalities already emerging. Sanjaya (I finally caught his name correctly!) has a wonderful smile and a very sweet voice, but someone needs to cut that mess on his head. Please. Phil Stacey was the dude who missed the birth of his kid to audition in Memphis, and he bothers me. Maybe I’m harboring some resentment about the birth, but I think it’s more that he’s just annoying. Was he in the military? Cause he was wearing army fatigues during Hollywood week, and I think he stole that Fidel Castro cap from the Amish dude. The cap that he was wearing sideways … like a special needs child.

Beat Boxer Blake is growing on me. I’m starting to like him. But he needs to do something about the bleach blond spike in the front of his hair. Makes the guy look like a fucking unicorn for Chrissakes. I’m also liking the curly-haired fat man, Chris Sligh, now that I’ve seen him a bit more. He’s a funny guy, like most fat guys are, but I hope he doesn’t play that up too much. And I also hope the producers don’t exploit his humorous nature the way the exploited Pickler’s stupidity last year. So, just stay cool Chris.

I was happy to see that two out of my three cute boys, Chris Richardson and Nick Pedro, are in it for the voting. Nothing makes a great season of AI like a pair of hot pieces of ass. Woo hoo. Brandon, A.J., and Jarrod I don’t really know very well, but they seem decent. It was A.J.’s 5th time auditioning, so I guess it pays to be tenacious. Paul Kim mentioned that he’ll always be barefoot onstage and wear the same undies, as part of his good luck routine. Question: what will happen when he has to perform two days in a row and doesn’t get a chance to wash the undies? Will he risk the good luck to be clean and fresh or risk smelling like ass to keep the good luck?

I also don’t know much about Rudy, except that he seems to enjoy wearing blazers. There was the leather one at his first audition, the gold one in Hollywood, and a black one for the judgment chair. Hmm. Wonder how many he has? Finally, Sundance did make the cut to be included in the Top 24, albeit by the skin of his teeth. The only reason I can see that the judges kept him around is because he’s the kid of some marginally talented, one-hit wonder from the 60’s. He really must consider getting his face and body hair under control if he’s gonna move forward. The chest hair seems alive, like an entity unto itself it’s so dense, and it appears as though it may crawl up his neck and threaten to choke the life out of him. A little scary for the kiddies at home, you know? Plus, the 70’s bush goatee is a bit pervy.

Next week we’ll finally get to vote, as the guys take the stage in the beginning of the battle that is Season 6 of American Idol.