Texas, the Lone Star State, home of cattle ranchers and ladies with huge hair. Yee haw. I’ve been to San Antonio once, to see the infamous Alamo, which turned out to be a giant disappointment due to the fact that it was smack in the middle of the downtown. Kinda hard to imagine what actually happened there when there’s a hot dog vendor and a dude selling Don’t Mess With Texas ashtrays set up on the sidewalk right in front of the place.

Anyway, the San Antonio auditions were sort of the same. Okay, but a bit of a disappointment. Texans are supposed to be fun people, but I was bored with most of last night’s show. The ones who got through were mostly just okay, and the weirdos and crazies weren’t even all that weird or crazy, they were just kinda sad.

I mean, the first guy, Brian in the camo pants, took his song Rebel Yell a bit too literally and really yelled, while he was stomping around and trying to do some breakdance moves. Here’s a tip: fat guys shouldn’t breakdance …ever. Then poor Jasmine Holland looked like her dog just shot himself during her audition. Not a hint of a smile, not once. You know her insane family pushed her into it, which is so wrong. I winced at the sign they were holding, which read “Jasmine’s ARE American Idol!” Um, did they make it through the third grade? Then her mom was hollering about Simon going back to wherever he’s from, and when Ryan said he’s British, she snapped that he should go back to British. What? Oh, the ignorance is painful.

Sandie Chavez’s warbled Black Velvet was quite bizarre, mostly because she seemed to think it sounded good. And she said she sang for the Mayor of Houston? I think perhaps she was hallucinating that. Jacob “Jake the Snake” performed a dark number that kinda scared me. He looked like an evil troll who eats small children. The anger that poured outta him after he left the audition room gives me a little hint that he could turn out to be a serial killer.

The golden ticket grabbers didn’t knock my socks off either. Hayley Scarnato did have a nice voice I guess. But she was boring as fuck. Even the outfit she wore, which she said she got at a “hoochie mama store,” wasn’t very exciting. You’d figure hoochie mama stores would sell more snazzy shit. Baylie Brown looked clueless, the country girl who loves clothes and shoes. She gets her ideas for styles from fashion magazines. Wow, how unique. And did anyone notice the empty eyes on that girl? Like there’s nothing there? I think she’s one of the Children of the Corn.

A few of the Hollywood hopefuls I did like. Akron Watson was adorable, but I’m a total sucker for Sam Cooke and Marvin Gaye songs, which he performed tenderly and with finesse. Even his cousin William, who sang Amazing Grace like he was taking a large dump, was kinda endearing. Ashlyn Carr I loved from the get-go and was pissed when the judges denied her. What the fuck were they doing? She was great! But then they brought her back in, which has never happened before. I’m sure she must have been shocked. Yeah, she made some disturbing facial expressions when she sang, but I’m glad she’ll get another chance in Hollywood. Girl just needs a good mirror. My favorite of the night was Jimmy McNeal, the big cuddly bear who sang Cupid, smooth as a baby’s ass. Great song, cute guy, love him.

Tonight is The Best of the Rest, which will also include the Worst of the Rest. Hopefully, it’ll be more entertaining than blahsy blah San Antonio. Stay tuned and I’ll let y’all know. (Did ya like that? The “y’all”? Oh yeah, I can rock the Texas talk.)