Last night the Idol contestants took on a Latin vibe, coached by Jennifer Lopez. Who was looking quite beautiful and had a refreshingly friendly, comfy attitude for a superstar of her caliber. That’s nice to see, and even more rare. She really did seem like a regular gal, dishing out sound advice and joking around.

As for the Idols performances, they were kinda lame overall, with a few standouts.

Melinda Doolittle started things off with “Sway,” and did her best to convey the sexy vibe of the song, shimmying around the stage in an amazing black dress. She looked amazing, but when she said that “I’m not sexy,” she knew what she was talking about, because she couldn’t quite pull it off. She came close, but never really made it to the sizzling point. Okay by me, though. Her voice was smooth and strong, so the lack of sex appeal didn’t really matter.

Lakisha Jones, on the other hand, had the sexy thing down. She’s just got this saucy attitude about her that made up for the fact that I find the song “Conga” incredibly annoying. Plus, I loved the flirty red ruffled dress and hot red lipstick. Mu-ah! Big kiss.

For me, Chris Richardson was the sizzler of the night. His version of “Smooth” was just that. This guy is just so fucking adorable I can hardly stand it. He’s got “sexy” written all over him and the way that he moves onstage while his lips are curling around those lyrics is simply mesmerizing. The vocal performance wasn’t his best, but I loved how he worked the song to his advantage. And he’s got some hot dance moves to boot. I’d love to get caught on a nightclub dance floor with this guy. He could bump and grind his way into my pants anytime.

And you know what? I’m not even going to bother going all into detail about Haley Scarnato anymore. It’s the same shit every week: she sucks and dresses like a pricey prostitute. Simon said she’s not gonna win with her voice, so her strategy has become to wear very little clothing and shake her shit. Anyway, she sang “Turn the Beat Around” and it was awful. This girl has no groove and is way too bland to sing ANY Latin music. Latin songs are spicy and she’s like Corn Flakes. It was a very Miss Teen USA performance … and I don’t mean that in a good way.

Then we had Phil Stacey sing “Maria Maria.” I was cracking up the second he came out onstage, because the ridiculous hat was back. It was a very big poufy hat this week too. But after his Lurch look last week, I honestly don’t know which is worse. Maybe he should just get some hair. If he can’t grow his own, there are lots of places to buy some. It really is unnerving how much he looks like a corpse, like he really LOOKS dead. It’s creepy. His skin is pasty-discolored and his eyes are all sunken and his mouth always looks dry. Hey, what if he’s a zombie? And when Ryan finally tells him he’s been voted off he tries to eat Ryan’s brains? Phil’s performance was generic and lifeless as usual. He really does seem to have no emotions at ALL. Could you imagine what his poor wife must go through? What must it be like to fuck the living dead?

Spunky Jordin Sparks sang “The Rhythm is Gonna Get You” and it did get me. She just has this great energy about her, she’s fun and sparkly and her voice is incredible. Loved the saucy side ponytail. She gave us a fantastic fresh take on the song, switching it up just a smidge to show off her pipes. This girl’s got great entertainer instincts.

Blake Lewis came out rocking a old-man hat and it actually worked. He can do the hats, he looked adorable. His version of “I Need to Know” wasn’t knock-my-socks-off terrific, but he sounded good. J. Lo told him he had to connect with the passion and put it out there, but he just didn’t quite make it. It just wasn’t pleading enough. But I can see how Mr. Blake Cool might have a difficult time putting out that kind of vulnerability.

Finally, Sanjaya Malakar shocked the hell outta everyone and didn’t totally fuck up his song. He sang “Beseme Mucho,” and I think he found his niche. When he sings in a foreign language he doesn’t suck nearly as bad! The shorter hair and attempt at facial hair are the cheeseball things that keep the folks at VFTW loving Sanjaya. So even though he’s not the worst singer this week, he’s still a mess. I mean, what’s up with the pencil mustache and tiny triangle goatee? Did he just take a Sharpie and scribble on himself? Did the producers and/or stylists encourage this? It had to be some kinda mean joke, some snotty stylist behind the scenes telling him, “Oh, yeah. You could totally fake some facial hair. It would be great! You should totally do it. That would be HOT.”

I might was well write the same conclusion as last week, because things haven’t changed. Phil and Haley both suck hard balls and should hit the road. But that’s been the way it’s been for the past month, so I’ve thrown up my hands. Sanjaya needs to go too, but he was a lot better than those two this week. I swear, if Phil or Haley don’t get kicked this week, I could very well completely spaz the fuck out. Stay tuned.