I am really glad that I chose to sleep on last night’s Idol Gives Back show and write about it this morning, because I was in a piss-poor mood watching it and my notes are extremely cranky bitchy.

First and foremost, I was pissy because I fucked up setting my DVD recorder and missed the whole first hour of the show, including the appearance by Jack Black, which is the only part I REALLY wanted to see. Secondly, all the rich-ass celebrities who were begging us regular working class folks to send in cash started to piss me off. I think at one point during the show, Ellen DeGeneres (who was co-hosting from a different stage) said that 10 bucks could save 20 kids from dying of malaria.

Okay, so if Ellen would pony up a cool 500 thou, that would save, like, a million kids right there. Not even just Ellen, because I don’t know her financials, she hasn’t been doing a whole lot lately, but Bono was there and Madonna and Celine Dion for fuck’s sake, and we all know that between the three of them they could save the whole fucking continent of Africa and still have enough money left over to buy themselves solid gold toilet seats for each of the 20 bathrooms in their ridiculously huge houses.

Sorry for the rant, it just seems so fucking hypocritical to me. Now I’m getting all pissy again so I gotta stop that.

Anyway, I started the show in the middle of Rascal Flatts singing “My Wish,” and was amazed by the singer’s perfectly spiked hair. I hadn’t seen a ‘do like that since middle school, rockin’ the 1987 style. I wonder if he uses Dep or Dippity Do hair gel? I always found that Dep did a better job with the spikes. Only the pink kind, though. The purple kind would get all flaky.

I was shocked to see that the MySpace dude, Tom, is actually a real person. I shit you not. He was in the audience, and he kinda did look like his MySpace pic.

Then we saw the Ford music video of the week, which I thought was a tad unoriginal. The Idols were riding around in Mustangs again, singing “Crazy Little Thing Called Love,” and ended up at a drive-in. The “Celebrities Lip-Syncing to Staying Alive” video followed, and it was pretty dumb, except for Chris Kattan and Kevin Bacon.

Have I mentioned that the contestants were all wearing white? Yeah, they were, like a gaggle of ice cream vendors, especially Phil with that fucking stupid hat.

Then they showed some more footage of Africa and Kentucky and kids who can’t read. I’ll admit that I fast-forwarded through most of that shit. I know it sounds cold-hearted to blow off people who are starving, but you know, I was watching for the results.

Josh Groban sang “You Raise Me Up” with the African Children’s Choir. This is getting crazy, they’re pimping out these poor African kids to get people to dig into their wallets, and it’s fucking shameful.

Our Original American Idol, Kelly Clarkson, sang “Up to the Mountain,” which was pretty boring for me, but her voice sounded good. I am a bit confused about her outfit. Was there some symbolic meaning behind wearing a muu-muu onstage? Was she trying to look like a fat-ass?

Oh, I’m not going to summarize every bit of the rest. The whole show sucked, like, a hundred cocks. It was awful; I couldn’t force myself to watch the rest, especially after Celine Dion clobbered Elvis Presley’s “If I Can Dream,” right there next to his precious holographic image. I fucking love Elvis and I fucking hate Celine, so there was never a more frustrating example of good vs. evil on this show, and it drove me nuts. It was fitting that The King was wearing all white and she was in all black, huh? Plus, I find the way she stands horribly annoying. She stands posed like an action figure, with her ass out to the side, arms stiffly bent, and her legs spread. And she rocks back and forth as she sings. Her whole thing is very weird.

Turns out no one got kicked off, because it was “charity night.” What the fuck? I was like, “Are they fucking serious?” I just sat through an hour of bullshit and no one is going home? That was nothing but a giant waste of my time. Thank fucking god I didn’t record the first hour, because if I would have wasted 2 hours on that shit, I would have really wanted to kick the screen in.

No one’s getting kicked, but we can watch Bono tell the Idols how great it is to save kids in Africa. Shut the fuck up and sing a fucking song already. I turned it off just as Bono and the Top 6 took the stage and began to sing “American Prayer,” which stank like ass.