Let me just start off by saying I feel happy this morning. Finally, the voting-off process worked out the way I thought it should. For the most part, anyway. Sanjaya still wasn’t in the bottom 3, but whatever. He’s become an oddly entertaining novelty and that should wear off soon.

The show started off with a group performance of “Balamos,” which was okay, but whoever decided it was a good idea to pair up Haley and Sanjaya for a duet must have been playing a cruel joke, because neither of them were in tune for even a half-second. But at least Haley was wearing pants.

Then that Akon fella sang and I got confused for a minute. Wait, I thought it was J. Lo? Wasn’t he the dude who was singing with Gwen Stefani? His song is a number 1 hit? Why? It stinks and he’s not even cute. I guess since they made this results show a whole fucking hour long they had to fill it up with some shit.

The Ford commercial was dumb. They sang “Happy Together” while sitting in a Ford that morphed into other models and the Idols morphed into each other. A little weird if you ask me.

Then Ryan did a whole big infomercial for that Idol Gives Back bullshit. I don’t give a fuck about sending books and crayons to kids in Africa. I really don’t. Call me cold-hearted, but maybe we should send them some fucking FOOD first. Or some medicines or some cows, but chalk and safety scissors? I think Oprah’s already got that angle wrapped up pretty tight.

Finally Ryan pulled our bottom 3 down on the stage: Phil Stacey, Haley Scarnato, and (GASP!) Chris Richardson. I was mortified. Chris? I was like, if he gets sent home I might seriously have to hurt someone. Luckily before J. Lo even hit the stage, Chris was sent back to safety and the other 2 were left hanging.

Now I’m not a huge fan of Jennifer Lopez, but her performance of her new single “Qué Hiciste” was quite impressive. Even though she sang in Spanish and I couldn’t understand a goddamn word, I totally felt the emotion and energy in her voice. Didn’t much like the outfit, though. It was a bit too flowy Stevie Nicks for me.

After that, we’re brought back to the 2 losers onstage, Phil and Haley sweating like hogs. I didn’t even care which one went, at last the planets and stars aligned correctly to kick off someone who truly sucks. And it was Haley. Well … yay!

Hope all the guys who drooled over her each week aren’t too upset. They really shouldn’t be, because now she’s free to pose in men’s magazines, which should happen within six to eight minutes of right now.