It was Gwen Stefani night and although only a few of the Idols sang No Doubt songs, overall the selection of songs was, well … interesting. The theme also included songs that inspired Gwen, so it was kinda like a mish-mosh.

Our two resident divas, Lakisha Jones and Melinda Doolittle, both chose Donna Summer songs, which were absolutely perfect. Lakisha’s version of “Last Dance” was sassy and fun; it was great to see her do a more up-tempo song and dance around a little bit. She also looked fantastic, with her smooth sexy hair, but I wasn’t really loving the dress. The pattern was a bit too “busy.” Melinda sang “Heaven Knows,” which came out strong and convincing, as usual. Loved the cute flipped hairdo and satiny tunic with leggings; she looked young and fresh. Mu-ah! Big kisses.

Chris Sligh and Phil Stacey both chose Police songs, which were major mistakes if you ask me. Sting has a very distinctive voice, cool and raspy at times, and it’s pretty fucking impossible to do one of his songs without it just sounding like a cheap imitation of the real thing. I will say that Chris looked terrific, his hair was back and I loved the outfit with the ratty jacket, but he just can’t do Sting. And that’s fine, I don’t think anyone can do Sting. However, his rendition of “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” wasn’t even a stellar attempt. He was off the beat and looked bored. And he’s gotta stop carrying around that mic stand. God!

Phil really rubs me the wrong way. Just in general, without taking into account his singing, I can’t fucking stand this guy. I don’t know why. Maybe there’s some unconscious transference going on or something. All I know is that every time I see him, I feel like clocking him in the teeth. So, going in I have a bias, but I sincerely believe that if he showed a little personality or even just sang something that was incredible, I’d give him his due respect. However … he sucked balls. Again. And, of course, he fucked up my favorite Police song, “Every Breath You Take.” Every fucking year, someone bastardizes this beautiful song. You’d figure at least ONCE, someone would do a good job of it. But I knew he would screw it up as soon as I saw the stupid crocheted, brimmed hat, which he wore sideways AND tilted like a goddamn beret. For Chrissakes, who’s dressing this douchebag? He’s trying way to hard to be cool. Or Blake. Maybe he’s trying to be Blake. I don’t know, all I know is that he’s just not a cool guy. He’s a dork. And instead of making him look cooler, the stupid “trendy” outfits just make him look like a dork who’s desperately trying to be cool. I mean, being a dork’s not a bad thing. Taylor was a dork, but he embraced it, he didn’t try to be super-cool and America fell in love with his dorkiness. Maybe that’s why I find Phil so annoying. If he would just be himself, in all his dorkified glory, he would be … cool. That’s the ironic thing. And the fact that he just doesn’t get it pisses me off.

I was super-pleased to hear Gina Glocksen nail “I’ll Stand By You.” Her performance was totally on-point, from beginning to end, and her voice sounded amazing. How-ev-er, what the fuck was she thinking when she put on that outfit? Did she stop and think about the lyrics she’d be singing? I mean, that song has integrity; it’s about loyalty and dedication, and Gina was dressed like a six-dollar whore. From the look of her skin-tight, shiny mini-dress, black net stockings and knee–high boots, I was expecting her to sing about fucking some dude up the ass with a giant strap-on dildo. And this is a trend that’s been progressing lately. I don’t like it. Gina has real talent, yet each week she’s dressing sluttier and sluttier. So knock it off! You’re no cheap tramp, Gina, so don’t dress like one.

Speaking of dressing like a cheap tramp, Haley Scarnato’s big hair, porn star look was back in full force as she warbled her way through “True Colors” by Cyndi Lauper. Same as with Sting, no one can sing Cyndi Lauper. Her voice is so unique and rough and screechy and yet still terrific. Haley singing Cyndi was like some WASP-y middle-aged lady in church trying to sing Cyndi. Bo-ring! And she smiles too much when she’s singing. It was a soul-less performance. But she was showing the legs again, which I guess she figures works pretty good, because she should have been kicked off last week and she wasn’t. Maybe if she flashed her cooter, she’d make it to the finale.

Sanjaya Malakar doesn’t seem to need to flash anything to make it to the finale, his wackadoodle status seems to be getting him there. Last week, I mentioned that he might just not give a fuck anymore, and his performance of “Bathwater” by No Doubt verified that for me. He was awful. And the hair? At first I thought he was wearing a banana clip, but then he showed off that his “faux-hawk” was really made up of 7 little pigtails, all sprayed and fluffed into that mess that he shook around like a fucking show pony. He must love being the resident freak, which does give him some charm, but ultimately will make him the butt of a zillion retard jokes.

Jordin Sparks and Chris Richardson also sang No Doubt songs, and both took it more seriously than Sanjaya and actually sounded good. Jordin’s “Hey Baby” was cute and fun, and she looked adorable in her little skirt and ponytail. She was trying to work it up there, but didn’t quite get up the attitude that the song needs. She did a helluva job, though. It’s tough taking on Gwen Stefani.

Chris did “Don’t Speak,” which is a favorite No Doubt song for me, although it has some unpleasant memories attached to it from an ex-boyfriend playing it incessantly in the car on the way home from dinner after I broke up with him. Oh, well. I found Chris’s performance to be a little squeaky, but overall pretty good for a guy. I was happy he didn’t fuck around with the melody too much, yet enjoyed the R&B flavor he brought to it. And I noticed that he has really expressive eyebrows.

Blake Lewis gave my favorite performance of the night, singing “Love Song” by The Cure, tenderly and with grace. I love that song and had my fingers crossed that he wouldn’t booger it up with his beat-boxing (which he didn’t! Yay!), but I was really digging the little ska-like back beat he added. I loved his hair flat and thought his darker, broody vibe was perfect. This guy seems to be able to take on anything.

I’m not even going to try to predict who is going to leave tonight. I think we all know who SHOULD go, but who the fuck knows. With VFTW endorsing Sanjaya, he’ll probably be around for a while and Haley will probably continue to rake in the porn-loving guys’ votes, so it’s anybody’s guess.