Last night’s coach was Tony Bennett, the swing daddy of cool classics who still looks pretty damn good for being 80-years-old.

Blake Lewis started off the show with a mild version of “Mack the Knife.” I was digging his crazy old man outfit of plaid pants, baby blue jacket and wide striped tie, but his performance left me hanging a bit. I guess I’ve gotten used to Blake doing things up BIG, and the subtle side, although very nice, wasn’t what I was expecting from him. Anyway, at least he didn’t suck.

Unlike our naked-head dorky boy, Phil Stacey, who REALLY sucked during his performance of “Night and Day.” Simon hit it when he said Phil sounded like he was singing in a funeral parlor, which was the exact feel that I got from it. He was creepy. And he looked kinda like Lurch from the Addams Family, with his awkward movements and total lack of emotion. I dunno, Phil said that he was focusing on his wife when singing the lyrics and if that’s true, then holy shit, do I feel bad for her. That was like being serenaded by a lumbering serial killer. But at least he left the stupid, ultra-trendy clothes behind. That deserves some praise. The classic pinstriped suit was a much better choice.

Melinda Doolittle shook things up with a rousing rendition of “I’ve Got Rhythm,” starting off slow and soft and then launching into the big notes towards the end. It was like a roller coaster ride and I loved it. She sounded jazzy and sassy and way cool. Her sleek hair looked terrific, but the dress was just an itty bitty bit too tight. I don’t want my Melinda veering off into Gina-land of the skin tight outfits. She’s too classy for that nonsense. So watch the fit next week, m’kay?

Okay, so since Blake didn’t knock my socks off this week, I was hoping to enjoy a kick-ass guy performance by Chris Richardson, because I hate Phil and Sanjaya always sucks. And that little darling didn’t let me down. He sang “Don’t Get Around Much Anymore” and swung the shit out of it. He added his own signature R&B flavor, but not too much, just enough to add a little twist of spice, and he sounded great. He also looked adorable, rocking that fedora like nobody’s business. See, he’s one that can carry off the hat; he can work it. I also thought the hanging suspenders were a cute touch. He could lose the vest, though. Button-up vests just look so … waiter.

Jordin Sparks chose a song I was unfamiliar with, called “On a Clear Day,” and sang it very well. However, I was missing the, um, sparks, from her performance. It just wasn’t very exciting. Yeah, her voice was flawless, but I didn’t feel like hooting or hollering about it. But the girl is cute as fuck. And the curls are back, which I love. I guess Chris Sligh left an opening for “bringing curly back.”

And then Gina, oh Gina. Gina Glocksen, what are we going to do with you and your inappropriate outfits? You’d think that Tony Bennett’s description of the lyrics as being about “finding hope in one’s darkest hour” and relating it to 9/11 and the troops in Iraq would have tipped her off that it’s a song that needs to be taken seriously and sung with grace. Which she did, she did sing it with grace, but she looked like a skankball doing it. I mean, a lace-up corset dress with a slit up to her hoo-hah, black stockings and knee-high, hooker boots? Come on. Listen to the fucking lyrics for once and dress with a little class. And what the hell was up with her white-girl cornrows? Oh, it was just bad all over. But she sang nicely, so that’s good.

Everyone was waiting for Sanjaya Malakar, to see what kind of craziness he was gonna throw around this week. He had his hair slicked down against his scalp, looking like a smarmy child-molester greaseball, and was wearing an extra-cheesy white suite with shiny white shoes. Dude looked like he belonged on top of a fucking wedding cake. He chose the song “Cheek to Cheek,” because he wanted to show America that he really can sing. Um, yeah, that didn’t really happen. He sucked, like, fifty sets of balls with that one.

Haley Scarnato! Holy cleavage! It seems like Haley has embraced her high class porn star look and is running like hell with it. Big hair, bare legs, shaking her ass … it’s only a matter of time before she hits the pole. Honestly, during her provocative performance of “Ain’t Misbehavin’” I was convinced that any minute she’d start to strip. She didn’t, but mark my words, once she gets kicked off this show, she WILL be doing some kind of porn. Her voice wasn’t awful; she just lacks personality. And I just don’t give a shit.

The show finished up with Lakisha Jones giving an explosive show of “Stormy Weather.” She is just fantastic. She looked diva-hot in a floor-length lacy gown, and whupped ass all over the stage with her saucy attitude. And her voice is spectacular, powerful, passionate.

I don’t know what to say about the results. So far, everyone who sucks the worst is still there. I’ll say it again: Phil, Haley or Sanjaya. Goddammit it better be one of them tonight.