So I’m going to admit, right up front, that I’ve been secretly looking forward to Bon Jovi week all season. That’s right, I’m a closet BJ fan. I can’t help it; I was in sixth grade and Slippery When Wet was the very first cassette tape I ever owned, so of course I played it repetitively until the tape broke, then I used Scotch tape to try to fix it, but there was a horrible noise right in the middle of “Never Say Goodbye.” Good times, good times.

Anyway, so I was totally excited when the show started. Jon looks fantastic, although I much prefer his bared chest, suede boots, and perm look of my fond 80’s memories.

I was excited, but then Phil Stacey started the show with “Blaze of Glory,” which is the one Bon Jovi song I find REALLY annoying. So his performance was doubly irritating for me. His voice sounded okay, but his cheeseball factor was back and on overdrive, with an awful jacket and even more awful dance moves. Seriously, he was spreading his legs way too much, people. It just bothers me when Phil tries to be the cool, tough guy. I agreed with Simon that Phil looked like a giant poser.

Next up was Jordin Sparks, with a super-huge hairdo. She was obviously going for the Jersey girl boardwalk look. Her version of “Livin’ on a Prayer” was loud and fun, just like a great rock song should be, and she totally got into the “WOAH-OH!” parts just like a group of drunks at their 1987 high school reunion. I thought it was cool, even if the song really didn’t show off her voice. But I dunno, a song like that doesn’t even need to be sung well for people to love it. As long as she could scream the chorus, the audience was screaming it right along with her.

As soon as Lakisha Jones opened her mouth to begin “This Ain’t a Love Song” I was blown away. She’s never heard that song before? No shit? Because she sang it like a goddamn powerhouse. Paula said her moneymaker is her low notes, but I say it’s the way she sings with such conviction that I’d believe anything coming out of her mouth is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. If that track was recorded, I’d have bought it ten minutes ago. And of course she looked fantastic with her sleek hair and cute outfit. This girl always has the best makeup, too.

But Blake Lewis was the hands-down standout of the evening, with his techno-version of “You Give Love a Bad Name.” Now, at first I was suspicious of all the “risky stuff” he was talking about, because this is one of those Bon Jovi songs that everyone knows and loves (just like Livin’ on a Prayer) and for Blake to fuck it up would be nothing less than sacrilege. He’d have the entire state of New Jersey gunning for his ass on a platter. But goddammit, he pulled it off. How he succeeded in beat-boxing to a Bon Jovi song and turning it into a dance tune, I have no fucking idea. But he did it, and I fucking loved it. I’d buy that track, too. Not sure if I like the darker hair, though.

Honestly, after Lakisha and Blake, Chris Richardson didn’t have much hope in blowing anyone away. Those were two very hard acts to follow. But his version of “Wanted Dead or Alive” was pretty good. I liked the little roughness that was going on with his voice and the way he infused the smidge of R&B flavor into it. It wasn’t sensational, but he sounded good and he was cute as always. I was actually a bit surprised that he rocked it as much as he did.

The show finished up with Melinda Doolittle singing “Have a Nice Day,” a newer Bon Jovi song that I think is very stupid. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t really digging it. I mean, her voice sounded amazing, but it always does. I don’t know if I liked her performance or not. I was having a hard time getting over the fact that the lyrics are just so … dumb. And I’m used to Melinda singing with passion, telling a story, and making me feel the words, so it was weird for me. She looked adorable, though, in her casual tank top and jeans. She also was throwing around some attitude, which was very cool to see from her.

I was pretty fucking impressed with everyone this week, taking on Bon Jovi. Except for Phil, he just always sucks mad ass. Hopefully, he’ll be sent packing this week. I’m a little concerned because two are getting kicked and I’m afraid the other one will be Chris and he’s so fucking cute! Dammit! But I think it’s time.