This week, our Top 12 were lucky enough to be coached by the original Diva herself, Diana Ross. She is the epitome of fabulousness and still looks smashing, despite her advancing age. Her hair, much like her voice, is still the biggest in the business and she was thoughtful and accurate with her advice to our Idol wannabes. Unfortunately, terrific advice only goes so far and there were a few that even Ms. Ross couldn’t help.

Like Haley Scarnato. Honestly, I’m still a bit in shock over the loss of Sabrina instead of Haley. It’s just so… just so fucking WRONG. And if we needed any more evidence of the “wrongness,” Haley’s performance this week drove it home. She attempted “Missing You” and tanked. Diana was spot on when she said Haley has a recording voice, not a performing voice, because there’s no emotion there at all. Watching Haley sing is like watching one of those singing Barbie dolls. And did anyone else notice the eery resemblance between Haley and church-sex-scandal strumpet, Jessica Hahn? A little heavy handed with the makeup this week, Haley. Next time, don’t use a spackle knife. As for her voice, it just didn’t work with the song. She was all whispery, like she was trying to make it sexy. Um, the song is about Marvin Gaye’s death. That’s not really supposed to be sexy. Oh, and she fucked up the words.

Chris Richardson was another one who couldn’t be helped. He did “The Boss” and I don’t remember what it sounded like at all, it was so boring. This surprised me, because Chris is not a boring guy. I did remember the white tux jacket outfit though, cause it was all “I’m headed to my junior prom to get loaded and laid!” He’s still a cutie, but not a good performance for him.

I do like Brandon Rogers a lot, but his version of “Can’t Hurry Love” was poor. I agreed with Randy’s analysis that he reverted into a background singer, maybe a little overwhelmed with the big stage. And he was concentrating on those dancy-leg moves so much he fucked up his lyrics too.

And I’ve had enough of Sanjaya Malakar. He sucks. I understand that pre-teen girls are probably enthralled by his lanky, long-haired appearance, but goddamn. He took a slow, dribbling piss all over “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.” His voice was just weak; he sings too softly. When he does belt it out, he’s good, but he rarely ever does that. Hell, he rarely ever SINGS at all. And what the fuck was up with his curly ‘do? It looked like he had a rat’s nest on his head.

Finally, King of the Stinkers for this week was Chris Sligh. I like Chris. I do. He’s neat and different. But I don’t know what he was thinking when he fucked around with the arrangement of “Endless Love.” He sucked the heart and soul right out of it. It was flat and stupid. Paula was right when she said that he was trying too hard to be hip and cool. I mean, he’s naturally kinda hip and cool, he doesn’t need to push it. But he needs to keep the glasses. He looks a bit strange without them. And there was something odd going on with his hair this week too, like it was really flat to the sides of his head.

Okay, so those were the not-so-good ones. However, there were some standouts. Melinda Doolittle is a hardcharger, proven by her powerful performance of “Home.” It blew me away. The song itself is kinda dumb; it’s from that cheesy musical The Wiz, but she made it strong and meaningful. She is truly mesmerizing. I don’t know if it warranted Paula’s boo-hooing, but it was fantastic.

Lakisha Jones was also a heavy hitter, with her version of “God Bless the Child.” Fuck, is she good! This lady’s not fucking around, she throws down hard each week, and nails it every time. Plus, she looked fabulous in a long, satin gown, and didn’t booger up her performance with any fancy moves. She just SANG. Oh, and we found out that her mama calls her Kiki. Very cute.

The only other standout performance of the night belonged to 17-year-old Jordin Sparks. She sang “If We Hold On Together,” and although it was a bit “gooey” (in Simon’s opinion), it shot her straight to the top of the heap. Her gorgeous wine-colored dress and smoother curls gave her a professional, elegant look, and that smile of hers is infectious. I found myself grinning just watching her.

In the “They’re Usually Great, What the Hell Happened?” category, fell Blake Lewis and Stephanie Edwards. Blake’s hair looked much better, but his electro-pop rendition of “You Keep Me Hanging On” just left me hanging. That song is so great, the melody so pure, that I’m not sure I dig a dance version. But I have a vague memory of someone doing a version like that before, back in the 80’s somewhere. Anyway, his vocals weren’t great, but I do like him and find him endearing in a goofy, club-kid kinda way. Although I find his choice of wearing a-jacket-under-a-jacket a little perplexing.

Stephanie, too, disappointed me. She has such a great, big voice, I don’t know why she didn’t use it this week to show off some disco-fabulousness during her performance of “Love Hangover.” She left the disco out completely and that’s what makes that song so fucking cool. But she was looking sharp with her short hair and loud-patterned wrap dress. Not just anyone could pull off a dress like that, but she rocked it.

Gina Glocksen and Phil Stacey were the ho-hum duo of the evening. Gina chose “Love Child,” which I love to death, and did an okay job of it. There just wasn’t enough oomph for me. The lyrics are punchy, angry in parts, and very emotional, but I wasn’t feeling any of that from her. Plus, I was a bit distracted by the weird chain thing hanging off the sleeve of her jacket. Other than that, she had a cool Pat Benatar look going on, which totally works for her.

Phil Stacey bothers me in a way that I can’t quite put my finger on, and I found his version of “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me” dull and colorless. His voice was good, but there was absolutely no soul. It was like, eh, so what, another white boy trying to sing Marvin. Yawn.

Overall, I think it’s a girl’s fight to win. It’s gonna come down to a battle between Melinda and Lakisha, with Stephanie and Jordin sparring for third. Now that both sexes are mixing it up together, the boys just won’t hold up against those two. Hopefully, we’ll get rid of Sanjaya or Haley tonight, because I just can’t stand suffering through another of either of their performances.