Popular Culture

A reason to hope Tom Cruise will shut it

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I hope we see a different Tom Cruise in 2006. A quieter one. Shhh, Tom. Just shhhh, okay.

Whoever was to blame for Cruise’s 2005 publicity debacles, it worked in a way. He had our undivided, mortified attention. Tom’s decision to can his sister-publicist (dubbed ‘publisister’ by some) last month could indicate that she was a simply a shitty publicist.

But it’s possible that the publicity stunts were Tom’s idea or a joint effort, and someone has to take a fall for him to save face. Whoever is to blame, all we’ve seen since March is Tom’s love sick exclaimations, self-righteous cajoling and his midget self bounding on Oprah’s couch.

Let’s just recap Tom’s worst and worser of 2005 shall we?

March: Tom fires his long-time publicist and hires his sister
April: Tom goes public with his new ‘relationship’
May: Tom declares his love for Katie Holmes by bounding Oprah’s couch and punching the air
May: Tom slams Brooke Sheilds for the using anti-depressants
June: Tom drives Scientology into the brains of anyone within earshot, scoffs at others’ basis in reality
June: Matt Lauer’s questions (he interviews people FOR A LIVING) makes him ‘glib’ according to Tom
June: Tom gets squirted in the face on the red carpet by British comedian – lectures him like my grampa
October: Tom ‘impregnates’ Katie Holmes
November: Tom buys at-home ultrasound machine – to keep an eye on midget alien baby inside Katie – despite FDA warnings
November: Tom fires sister, hires veteran publicist
December: Tom takes Katie to a toy store for her birthday – takes a plush Tinky-Winky home in her place

Cruise’s behavior and statements this year have drawn fire from many very important and famous people besides myself – Lauren Bacall, Brooke Sheilds, even Tom lover cutie-petutie Rosie O’donnell. I can only hope that Tom will wise up and shut it, if for no other reason than to ease the cries of his innocent alien baby.

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