A Guide To Evil Dictator Facial Hair
Dictators need facial hair. The way an ordinary person needs consistent sustenance, dictators must proclaim their superiority on their face, with hair. The styles vary depending on the man, but the purpose is the same throughout. Let the people know the supremacy of your rule, no matter which way you shave it. These guys wrote the book, and here’s how they did it.
Hitler
As far as this tyrant facial hair game goes, Hitler was “The King.” His short, “toothbrush” styled moustache became a distinctive, irreplaceable sign of how tightly ordered his face was. This order extended out over the German people, but its power originated within the moustache. But what many people don’t know is that Hitler preferred a wide, curling Prussian styled moustache. But in WWI, while he was serving in the army he was ordered to trim it down. So he did, changing world history forever. Imagine if he had kept his original moustache? He would have been showing the people of Germany that a wild, bear-like moustache and way of life was Germany’s chosen path. With that kind of example, the Nazis wouldn’t have even made it to Poland.
Stalin
Take everything we learned from Hitler and forget about it, because Stalin had a completely different idea of what a tyrant’s facial hair should look like. Stalin believed more moustache = more man, and it showed through his walrus moustache as well as the flagrant fatalities his government committed (many of which on their own people). Stalin and Hitler conceptually were ideologically opposed, one on the extreme left and the other on the extreme right. Stalin accentuated this difference with his rejection of Hitler’s tightly shaven moustache. Ironically, they were very similar malicious dictators, no matter what the size of their respective moustaches. Stalin’s powerful, yet well-groomed, upper lip oversaw one of the most powerful dictatorships in human history.
Fidel Castro
One of the most radical and long-lasting dictators of all time, Castro drew much of his fortitude from his gnarly beard. While dictators like Hitler and Stalin claimed to represent the people, they were really elitists, and it showed on their well-prepared faces. But Castro was (at least originally) a man of the Cubans, and it showed in his people’s beard. It was wild and scraggly — clearly an underdog beard — but Castro made the most of it. It was a very hot facial hairstyle for Cuba, but Castro made it sizzle. As he got older, the beard took on silver strands, which if pulled taut would measure over six inches. These strands represented Castro’s wisdom and also all the pain and suffering he’d endured and caused in his youth. The beard also separated Castro from the people he’d sworn to protect and represent. Once, in 1959, Castro said, “power does not interest me, and I will not take it.” The beard helped him sell that to the people, but clearly it was just a careful ruse. Let this be known about dictator facial hair: beware the beard. He who has it is a wildcard.
Kim Jong-Il
I know what you’re thinking. “Kim Jong-Il? He doesn’t even have any facial hair! Why his face is bald and almost looks like a woman’s!” Exactly. Kim Jong-Il has a very important, classic dictator facial hair set-up: the absence of a moustache. According to his official biography, his birth was foretold by a swallow, and caused a double rainbow and a new star to appear. People all over North Korea swallow that every day. Now can you see why he wouldn’t degrade his beautiful face with hair? Facial hair is rough, itchy and unkempt. It doesn’t cause double rainbows, or anything close to that. Kim Jong-Il’s angelic face belies a cruel, calculating mastermind whose state propaganda is so intense many North Koreans believe he can control the weather based on his mood. Only someone without a moustache could enact something so nefarious.
Henry the Eighth
Throwback! Henry was the second monarch of the house of Tudor, but someone should have tutored him about how to not have a silly beard. Today we would call Henry a bear (which he is), but back then the English, Irish (and even French at one point) had to call him King. His body, lifestyle and facial hair all clearly showed this was a man who never deprived himself of anything he desired. Unfortunately, because of the time period in which he was born, Henry never got to see the beards of dictators such as Castro. If he had, he would have realized that the beard draws most of its power from its upper quadrants and the moustache. Shaving your face so hair gravitates in the direction of the neck saps your beard of its natural va-voom. No wonder he was so insecure. He died from not taking care of himself and his beard.
Lenin
Vladimir Lenin was Stalin’s precursor and the leader of the Russian revolution in 1917. But more than that, he was a dictator with a goatee. There are many things in this world that one doesn’t understand yet must still respect regardless. A goateed dictator is not one of them. Lenin’s unorganized, sloppy, elfin facial hair led to his downfall, and almost the ruin of Russia. If it weren’t for Stalin’s moustache coming to the rescue there would never have even been a Cold War. Lenin was weak, and his facial hair was even weaker. Let’s be clear: in the dictator facial hair game there is no room for clowns or clownish facial hair. Learn from those that came before, or just use common sense and shave it like your rule’s success depends on it. Because it does.
Genghis Khan
Have you ever seen anything more beautiful in your life? Khan broke all the Henry the VIII rules. Even though he had a wispy moustache and no other facial hair at or above his lips, his beard is as dynamic as his sword was conquering. Look at the length of it! A beard like that automatically makes a dictator more intelligent, because it lends itself to twirling and pondering more than any other facial hairstyle. When Khan had to work out how he was going to rape, murder and pillage larger sections of Asia than had ever been previously brutalized, how do you think he did it? He sat at home and crunched the numbers while he twirled and curled that marvelous manstachio.
Pol Pot
This guy was a real jerk. But what separates Pol Pot from the rest is that his facial hair was the most clever and devious of them all. At first it may not be evident to you, but look closer. Pol Pot, former dictator of Cambodia and murderer of give or take 2 million of his own people, had an invisible moustache. Pot was a leftist rebel who wanted to break free forever from the feudal peasant society he had grown up in and lead a revolution powered by rural farmers… But it didn’t go so well. The only reason he had a chance to make the Khmer Rouge and deal as much death as he did was because of his ingenious invisible moustache. It was his most evil creation.
Saddam Hussein
Crap dictator, crap moustache — that’s the long and short of it. The man’s moustache says fiesta then siesta when it should be saying I own you and all of your children. Saddam clearly wanted to be Burt Reynolds, but that train is never on time. Instead, he had to satisfy himself by obsessively restricting the lives of his populace as well as torturing and gassing his own people and foreign enemies alike. This is the same guy that was caught by American forces cowering in a hole and didn’t even have the dignity to be wearing his signature moustache.
Kaiser Wilhelm II
Second Reich in this Popsicle stand! Wilhelm II ruled over Germany and Prussia from 1888 to 1918 with a moustache that put future generations on the game. It was a stab-you-in-the-face sword-like Rollie Fingers precursor, or, to those unfamiliar with baseball, an upside down handlebar moustache. He may have, in large part, escalated and lost World War I, but his moustache said no nonsense and his subjects recognized that from birth. Eventually, he was exiled and died of pulmonary embolus, a clog in the main artery of the lung. His moustache wasn’t responsible for these or any other failures, only his wild successes.
Francisco Franco
As you can see from the image, Franco was a moustache biter. He stole Hitler’s moustache, and much of his politics. Franco declared himself “Caudillo de España, por la gracia de Dios” which means “Leader of Spain, by the grace of God.” He should have called himself “Leader of Spain by the grace of a more powerful dictator with a moustache similar to mine, yet somehow incredibly more effective.” His rule was lasted a surprisingly long time, given the large opposition to him in Spain and worldwide. As he grew older, he slowly gave up titles that included head of state, commander in chief of the military, prime minister, king and ruler of the universe of Spain. He died in 1975, two weeks before his 83rd birthday. He was survived by his moustache, whose infamy is resurrected right here.
Ho Chi Minh
Known primarily for rocking the Genghis Khan meets Fidel Castro, Ho Chi Minh’s facial hair was home to many animals as well as being one of the scruffiest dictator styles ever. Before his death in 1969, Ho Chi Minh also managed to wrestle power from the Japanese, Vichy French, and fight the Americans to a standstill over his desire to conquer and unite South Vietnam with North Vietnam. Ho Chi Minh’s facial hair had a mixture of ancient Asian martial arts mastery with the thoughtfulness of Confucius. It was these traits that allowed him to become a military guerrilla mastermind as well as a brutal dictator. If his beard could speak, it would have said “mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”
Gamal Abdel Nasser
Facial hair can be creepy. Who would leave a child (whom they loved) alone with a man with a moustache? Nasser was the purest form of a man whose eyebrows — and especially moustache — scream “pedophile!” When a moustache is long and thin, the creepiness will begin. That’s a rule. Nasser was the second President of Egypt from 1954 until he died in 1970. His creepy moustache led him to attempt a Pan-Arabic movement (which probably failed due to trepidation of what Nasser might do during closed-doors unity meetings), and to nationalize everything in sight. His approval ratings rocketed up and down during his presidency, but the disapproval for the moustache was unanimous.
Xerxes
Listen to the name. He’s not playing. Look at the beard. It’s gigantic. Xerxes was born in 519 BC and took over rule of Persia from his daddy in 486 BC. Back then people practiced a religion called Zoroastrianism, which promoted awesome, thick grandpa beards. The type of beard where you can’t remember when you last shaved it, ’cause the answer is never. Xerxes was more a follower than a pro in the game at creating his own style, but he wore a classic and ran with it. That is, until 465 BC when his reign ended after he was murdered by Artabanus, the commander of his own royal bodyguard. Artabanus had a similar beard to Xerxes, but was better at betrayal.
Hirohito
He may look nerdy with those glasses and that moustache to you, but the simplicity and dorkiness of Emperor Hirohito belie the ability to make a highly advanced, brilliant nation surrender to him completely for 63 years. Even after being defeated in WWII, Hirohito was still the dictator the people of Japan needed and loved, and it was in no small part due to his unassuming moustache. His duality was exposed after Japan lost the war and he showed he could be a totalitarian leader and also oversee Japan’s transformation to a democracy and a prodigious technological exporter. He died in 1989, retiring a mysterious moustache still misunderstood by many.
Written by Cowboy on July 5th, 2010 | Tagged as: Popular Culture
On July 5th 2010, Ruggy wrote:
Thank you for this guide. As an aspiring Evil Dictator I have nearly perfected my sinister moustache, and this guide will surely help me achieve recognition in my nefarious career.
On July 5th 2010, Grant wrote:
Hirohito was not a dictator. He was a puppet leader who was controlled by the ministers. Japan adopted a parliamentary system in 1945, and Hirohito essentially lost all his clout.
On July 5th 2010, Leopold wrote:
No Leopold? Oh, I forgot, Africa doesnt count.
On July 5th 2010, mr040 wrote:
What, a “dictator” without facial hair in the list, so how come Bush didn’t qualify?
On July 5th 2010, Chris wrote:
I never realized how closely Saddam resembled Burt Reynolds until now. Maybe one day he can play him in a lifetime original movie.
On July 5th 2010, bitterness wrote:
Dear Grant,
Hirohito was a dictator. You could make the same argument about any dictator.
You are a classic commenter with a negative, know-it-all comment. Keep it to yourself.
Cheers
On July 5th 2010, david a wrote:
What total bullshit
not much to do with your time ?
On July 5th 2010, lalala wrote:
where is BUSH?
On July 5th 2010, Mauricio wrote:
Why didn’t you put Bush in the photo set?
On July 5th 2010, Carlos wrote:
Bush is a bad president, not a dictator
On July 5th 2010, Bob Moon wrote:
Ho Chi Minh was not at all a dictator. Nor was he evil.
He dedicated his life to fighting for the independence of his nation. A nation that was illegitimately occupied or colonized by the Chinese, French, and then Americans (or at least we tried).
Get your facts straight – suckas.
On July 5th 2010, D wrote:
Growing a nice dictator mustache myself.
On July 5th 2010, carah wrote:
Bush may not have been a great president. However one of the greatesr things about America… we have laws in place that keep people from being dictators… ps u know of couse if Bush was a dictator all those whom bad mouthed/disagreed with / made fun of him while in office would be imprison at best
On July 5th 2010, Jawn wrote:
What Bob Moon said.
On July 5th 2010, walter wrote:
Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi, translates as – “Evil man with invisible mustache.”
On July 5th 2010, obx wrote:
What’s Uncle Ho doing there?
He was a communist revolutionary, yes.
That doesn’t automatically makes him a dictator.
He kicked the French out of the north and installed a new government. Then held an open election to decide the future of the country. (communist or free market)
Yeah, we all know dictators like to rig elections, but Ho didn’t put himself on the list, the communist party was a democratic organisation and everyone was free to form their own party’s.
Why? Because the south was a US puppet state and he wanted to beat them to the punch by turning into a legit democracy. He knew that his communist party was popular enough so they didn’t need to cheat and he resigned to let the young generation take over.
Unfortunately the US didn’t like that idea very much and feared the south would become communist too, so they attacked.
On July 6th 2010, ced wrote:
god forbid there would be an american on there…we all know how holy they can be
On July 6th 2010, Peter wrote:
I must be weird, I can’t help growing a beard, I’ve tried to will it to stop and it just keeps on growing and everyday it gets longer.
Ok I could cut it off, but what would be the point?
Like the reason I let it grow was because I did not want to look like my mother.
On July 6th 2010, Jack Sprout wrote:
The Kaiser was not a dictator by any means and he certainly wasn’t evil. You realize WWI propaganda isn’t true, right?
On July 6th 2010, Lucas wrote:
Lincoln was the first president to have a beard. He grew it at the behest of a young girl who said that if he would grow one, the ladies would find him hansom and pressure their husbands to vote for him.
It worked. Later, during a visit to the girls home town, Lincoln called for her by name. She was brought to him but she promptly puked on his suit because beard or no, that dude was ugly.
Ok, I made that last part up.
On July 6th 2010, J. Quate wrote:
Bob Moon I salute you! Uncle Ho was far from a dictator. He was a dedicated man who loved his country.
On July 6th 2010, mitchel44 wrote:
Just to point out the Hitler was not right wing, he was a socialist, left wing all the way. The name of his party was the National Socialist German Workers Party, and they were in a non-aggression pact with the USSR at the start of WW2 and carved up Poland between them in ’39. They had a falling out after that, when the German’s took a page out of Japan’s book and launched a surprise attack.
Kind of hard to make them right wing with that junk in the trunk.
On July 6th 2010, Exile wrote:
What about our beloved Fuhrer Obama? Sure he doesn’t have any facial hair, but that “woman” he’s married to does.
On July 7th 2010, Michael wrote:
mitchel44, I THINK you think know history, but the Nazi party was not really socialist. Hitler hijacked the party, he hated and persecuted communists for god sake! (Mein Kampf anyone?) And just remember please Hitler invaded URSS in 1941 and URSS was who beat the nazis in WW2.
Try to read something about Otto Strasser or his brother Gregor, and maybe you would know at least a little before taking propaganda from Glenn Beck. Thank you.
On July 7th 2010, shileno wrote:
olvidaste a Pinochet
On July 13th 2010, Temuchin wrote:
Michaels comment about Hitler not being left is highly accurate, I also agree that Bush is not a dictator. Perhaps not the best president America has had but certainly not a dictator.
However, I don’t agree Genghis Khan was a dictator, brutal and ruthless against his enemies for sure but one of the basic definitions of a dictator is that he is oppressing his own people. Which, by standards of those times, I don’t think he was doing.
And if you define him as a dictator because of his actions against the rest of the world then why doesn’t every nationleader that has been involved in a war come on the list?
Also I miss Mussolini, Khaddaffi, Ahmadinejad and a bunch of other evil dudes not mentioned here.
All in all, a very enjoyable list!
On July 20th 2010, ordinary guy (fawkes) wrote:
you forgot about robert mugabe, that mustache is creepy and funny at the same time
On August 21st 2010, noah estes wrote:
load of crap, you basically just picked people who are either percieved as bad by the american media or henry the eighth FAIL!
On August 28th 2010, Temuchin wrote:
@ Noah estes. So you don’t believe that Hitler, Stalin, Saddam or Kim Jong Il, just to name a few, were/are truly bad? That they were/are warm and tender lads? Haha, FAIL right back at ya ;)
On September 5th 2010, Krypt wrote:
Lenin wasn’t a dictator – you may want to open a history book at some point. Despite being general secretary he was outvoted by his own government on several issues and of course , went along with the decision , That and the whole issue of massive popular support for the Bolsheviks in overthrowing the corrupt imperialist tzars , I thought you americans weren’t big fans of kings :)
mitchel44 and temuchin – Hitler was right wing – fascist corporatism , the oppression of the working class by government and corporations working together is not a left wing position , you should remember the massive support he received from wealthy American and European industrialists (read the introduction to the first + second American printing of ‘Mein Kampf’) . IF you want to go the typical American (ayn rand ,or more currently glenn beck) route of defining everything government controlled as ‘socialist’ then the central planning and rationing that went on in the UK and the USA during WWII would qualify as well.
As much as I might personally loathe Wilhelm the second,Henry the 8thm Xerxes and Hirohito , these men were imperialists (kings, kaisers and emperors ) in the classical sense not ‘dictators’ like Mussolini , Franco or Stalin.
On September 12th 2010, otro shileno wrote:
How could you forget Pinochet?!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pinochet
On September 12th 2010, Temuchin wrote:
@ Krypt
Take a moment and read my comment again, this time thoroughly. Nowhere in it do I say Hitler was a socialist or left-wing. In Fact, I argue against it saying, and I quote myself:
“Michaels comment about Hitler not being left is highly accurate”
Alas, I say he was NOT left. I was not agreeing with mitchel44 but with Michael.
Regarding Lenin, you can’t know for sure what his intentions truly was. But the reality of Russia during those years he was in power, with it’s secret police executing people or skinning them alive with very little evidence against them, speaks for itself.
Their secret police commited unspeakable acts of cruelty and torture against innocent people and the policy of Lenin and the rest of his government wasn’t very tolerant against dissidents.
Therefore, yeah he was a dictator.
On September 14th 2010, Giovanni wrote:
Benito Mussolini (Italy) is missing ….
On September 25th 2010, what a lie wrote:
Gamal Abdel Nasser was a great leader and he was never a dictator as you say…
if you don’t know any thing about someone, so don’t tell any thing about him
On October 5th 2010, Laura wrote:
Why do you list as dictator people who aren’t?
On November 2nd 2010, Egyptian wrote:
Must know that Gamal Abdel Nasser died since Forty years and still the Arab people from the Atlantic Ocean to the Gulf and all the free love in the world was never a dictator, but your vision is for each national jealous of his
On November 15th 2010, Girma B.Tesemma wrote:
Meles Zenawi of Tigre is the most evil dictators that killed thousands of his rivals and come to power by stepping on the blood of many people. He hates Amharas and if the world was like Hitler’s time he would not hesitate to commit genocide on the Amhara people. But since he is the errand boy of big powers his crimes are hidden from the world to see.
On December 28th 2010, John Savard wrote:
Lenin was a dictator, and the facts substantiating this are recorded in detail in Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn’s book, The Gulag Archipelago. So was Ho Chi Minh; he fought a war of aggression against peaceful South Vietnam, a war that led to its democratic government collapsing, and being replaced by a military regime which was still less brutal and dictatorial than the Communism in the North.
On February 15th 2011, Egy freedom! wrote:
wtf! Gamal Abdel Nasser is Dictator!! omg! wat da fuck re yo saying! he made Egypt the best and he made Egy free! and we Built our oun Country and yo call Him Dictator! rlly stuipid guide