So you’re in the market for a good conspiracy theory to justify your chronic social isolation. But you don’t want to be one of those conspiracy theory conformists. You want to stand out from the crowd of Truthers, Reptilians, and whatever you call those people who think that the Third Reich continues at the center of the Earth. Well, don’t despair! Our world is rife with even crazier conspiracy theories that you can believe in while still keeping your individuality alive. Such as…

1. George H. W. Bush was a Nazi

No, we don’t mean that Bush, Sr. was a Nazi in the Internet hyperbole sense, in which everyone who disagrees with you that Evil Dead 2 was better than Army of Darkness is worse than Hitler. No, George H. W. Bush was actually a Nazi. More specifically, a Nazi spy originally named George H. Scherff, Jr. Young George was adopted by Prescott Bush at age 14 after being sent to America by Hitler to spy on Nicola Tesla. The terrible secret was revealed by a deathbed confession of ex-Nazi Otto Skorzeny in Florida in 1999. Does Wikipedia tell you that Skorzeny actually died in 1975? Yes, that’s what Cheney and Halliburton want you to think.

But wait, there’s more…

According to this unique take on world history, George Scherff/Bush was also the basis for the character of George in the monkey the ‘Curious George’ series of children’s books. The idea for these books was suggested to two Jewish immigrants in the 1950′s by Tesla, who told the two about a young, monkey-like Nazi he knew. Unable to let this secret stand, the CIA murdered the surviving co-author of the series in 2006 to cover up the terrifying truth.

2. Stephen King shot John Lennon

John Lennon was shot dead by Mark Chapman in New York City in 1980. Famously, Chapman was photographed next to Lennon just hours before he killed him. Well, that’s what the sheeple think, anyway. The man in the photo who later shot Lennon, according to the theory, is actually world-famous horror author Stephen King. There is plenty of evidence for this, such as:

1. King and Chapman were both kind of chubby at the time, and wore thick 80’s glasses

2. Well, that’s it really.

Apparently, the glasses in the earlier photo also appear slightly different to the ones Chapman was wearing when arrested and photographed. Also, shooting someone in public was obviously already a fantasy of King’s, since he wrote about it in ‘The Dead Zone’. (That also explains why he also keeps dressing up like a clown and eating children.) So who is Chapman, then? Well, obviously he is a “lookalike actor” who presumably got paid to go to prison for a bazillion years, since not-quite-so-peace-and-love-anymore Yoko Ono keeps refusing the guy parole.

But wait, there’s more…

Stephen King has actually been in contact with the main peddler of this theory, Steve Lightfoot, writing him long letters in which he leaves deliberately ‘cryptic’ messages such as “I didn’t kill Lennon, and I think you know that as well as I do.” Some conspirators have even suggested that King is in on the gig himself to gain publicity, which makes perfect sense. I mean, it’s not like he’s famous for anything else, right? A poor struggling author like him needs all the attention he can get.

3. Earth Was Once the Fifth Planet

These days, it’s reasonably well known that Earth is the third planet from the sun. But has it always been that way? Apparently not. Earth is actually planet called Tiamat. which was originally located in the space between Mars and Jupiter, where the asteroid belt is now. It moved closer to the sun due to being hit by the moon of another planet, Nibiru, 65 million years ago. This can be surmised from a reading of Sumerian creation myths. In fact, intelligent extraterrestrials from Nibiru, which moves close to earth every couple of hundred thousand years, were the ones that first taught primitive Earthlings modern culture, thus being worshipped as ‘gods’ in the Sumerian religion. By some accounts, they even interbred with us and gave us their superior alien genes (presumably using similar technology to the type that Jeff Goldblum used to connect to the alien mothership in Independence Day.)

But wait, there’s more…

Planet Earth’s violent decampment also explains the mystery of the dinosaurs’ disappearance. The movement of the Earth closer to the sun increased our gravity, which meant that large, heavy animals could no longer survive. After all, modern day elephants can’t fall over without killing themselves under their own weight. Could a giant T-Rex really run around chasing down prey and risk a fall like that without dying? It’s completely obvious that the dinosaurs lived a lot farther out in space than we do.

4. Queen Elizabeth Was Actually A Man

Let’s face it, Queen Elizabeth I was pretty unwomanly by some standards. She was freakishly smart, independent, and didn’t even want to get married. Obviously, this can only be explained by her having died as a child and being replaced by a young boy.

That’s right, the young Elizabeth fell ill and died when she was ten, and her nervous governess, terrified of her father Henry VIII’s reaction, ordered a young red-headed boy from the local village to come and impersonate her using a wig and a dress. Henry, not exactly being Dad of the Year, fell for the ruse, and the young man simply grew up to become, um, Queen.

This apparently explains why Elizabeth never married or had children, and why she was fond of heavy makeup and wigs (wouldn’t you be?)

But wait, there’s more…

The main pusher of this particular theory is not some dude who lives alone in a trailer with a tinfoil hat. It was Bram Stoker, the author of Dracula and creator of most of our modern vampire clichés. Stoker wrote a whole chapter in a book about it (not Dracula). Who knows, maybe it relates to his obvious issues with women (come on, multiple blood-sucking wives that attack young virgin men? That’s not normal.)

5. New Chronology

You might think that the year is 2010, and that Western humanity once went through a little thing called the ‘middle ages’. But that’s only because you’ve been brainwashed from above. In actual fact, the middle ages are a lie, and most known historical events took place in AD 1000-1500. Ancient Greek and Roman documents are forgeries, and the Roman empire began in the 9th century. Christianity started not long after that, in the 11^th Century, and the historical character of ‘Jesus’ was based on a Byzantine emperor.

But what about the European history you’re familiar with? It’s all a fabrication by Byzantine refugees who fled to the savage nation of England in the fifteenth century, with British’s historical line of kings, for example, being based on a cheap renaming of other Byzantine emperors.

If all this sounds a bit anti-British, it’s probably because it was first advocated by a very patriotic Russian mathematician named Anatoly Fomenko. So if you’re a fan of vodka and failed communist experiments, you might want to sign up to this theory.

But wait, there’s more…

If you’re not so pro-Russian, don’t worry. This is just one of many ‘new chronologies’ thought up by various authors and scientists over the years. There is the ‘phantom time’ theory, which states that 300 years were fraudulently added to the calendar in 1582 when the Gregorian calendar was introduced, and that as of 2010, the year is actually 1713. And if you’re looking for something with more of a pedigree, Isaac Newton made up his own version of time as well, also moving around events by 300 years or so. So if anyone puts down the fact that you think that you’re living in the eighteenth century, let them know that they are not only laughing at you, but also at one of the creators of modern physics. Take THAT.

6. America Once Featured Giants

As if America didn’t already have enough giant mammals to worry about, skeletons of human ‘giants’ were also dug up all over America in the 19th Century, particularly in Ohio. They are known as the ‘Conneaut’ giants, after Conneaut, Ohio, or as ‘mound building’ giants due to the distinctive nature of their gravesites. Skeletons found in Ohio were approximately eight feet tall and proportionately large, and apparently possessed a double row of teeth. Another group of skeletons, supposedly numbering in the thousands, had skulls so large they could easily slip over a human head (which would make Halloween costumes a lot easier, if a bit disrespectful).

However, all of this knowledge, along with the archeological evidence of the discoveries, was suppressed by the Smithsonian Institute, supposedly because they couldn’t handle the idea of advanced non-white American civilizations.

But Wait, There’s More…

The burial places of these ‘giants’ were supposedly part of the inspiration behind the Book of Mormon. According to those in on this theory, Joseph Smith used the stories of mound-building giants as the inspiration for several of the civilized populations who, according to LDS teaching, populated America in Biblical times, particularly the Nephites and Jaredites. (But then again, from the Mormon conspiracy theory point of view, one could argue that any discoveries about giants in America simply prove that Joseph Smith was right.)

7. Aliens Under Vatican City

If UFO abductions and US government cover-ups aren’t quite unique enough for you, you can always blend conspiracies and claim that UFOs are being covered up by the Vatican. You see, there’s one buried under the Vatican library. It was discovered in 1999, and immediately silenced in the world media. UFOs have also been spotted several times hovering over Vatican City.

But that’s not the only brush that the Catholic Church has had with the grays. They also covered up the fact that the supposed ‘miracle’ that occurred in Fatima, Portugal, in 1917, and witnessed by around 70,000 people, was actually a UFO display. If this doesn’t make sense, consider the fact that Jesus himself was probably also an alien, so it’s not surprising that they’re still pals.

But Wait, There’s More…

You might ask: if the Catholic church is so hell-bent on furious alien coverups, why did the director of the Vatican’s observatory recently release statements about Catholic teachings not only accepting the possibility of aliens, but even saying he’d welcome them as fellow Catholics, ‘no matter how many tentacles they have’?

Well, the answer is clear. The Vatican knows the jig is almost up: sooner or later, someone is going to find out about all the alien skeletons they’ve got in their closets. In fact, many theorists insist that the governments of the world are all pretty much aware of the existence of aliens, and that they are just waiting for the Vatican to soften people up to the idea before they all start ‘fessing up. You heard it here first.

8. Cthulhu Is Real

Finally, are you a fan of horror author H.P. Lovecraft? Well, were you aware that all the stuff he wrote about was actually true?

But Lovecraft insisted his whole life that his stories were pure fiction, you say? Well, Stephen King also insisted that he never shot Lennon, and we’re not going to let that stop us, right? Once your eyes are open, you’ll quickly realize that Lovecraft’s stories actually contained grains of truth. His ‘fictional’ book the Necronomicon, for example, was actually a real book, a copy of which popped up in 1586, translated by the famous magician John Dee. Other copies have turned up all over the place since Lovecraft’s death, including one that was apparently obtained by the Nazis.  There are also many mysterious connections between Lovecraft’s ‘fictional’ gods and the gods of ancient Sumeria (Sumeria again! Those wacky Sumerians.)

But Wait, There’s More…

The reptile-like creatures that feature in Lovecraft stories such as ‘the Nameless City’ may have been Lovecraft’s hidden message – or warning – to humanity about the real Reptilians who secretly rule planet Earth according to their alien whims. According to this Youtube clip, the film version of the Lovecraft story ‘From Beyond’ proved that the guy definitely had advanced knowledge of humanity’s perpetual Reptilian menace:

Are they right? Well, if you’re not convinced that this is the conspiracy theory for you, keep in mind that one of Lovecraft’s best-known modern day devotees is Stephen King. King, remember, is uniquely connected to John Lennon, one of whose ex-bandmates is a ‘confirmed Reptilian’. Think about it.