Far be it from Popcrunch to condone the consumption of household objects for the sole purpose of getting a quick and probably painful kick to the brain cells. Not our style, man. We wouldn’t touch this stuff if the last beer keg on earth had run dry, aspirins had been outlawed under international law and caffeine banned in all fifty states. But some do, and while the highs gained may rocket them to the moon, whistling “Zip-a-dee-doo-dah” out of their buttholes, the side-effects ensure it’s a long fall back to earth. The message is clear, kids: don’t try this at home.
This one’s pretty well-known among douchebags into cheap and not so cheerful highs. Mom sprinkles it in apple pie, where it not only tastes good but leaves you psychologically intact. Increase the dose to a couple of revolting tablespoons, however, and things start to turn weird. And sour. Myristicin, nutmeg’s active ingredient, creeps in, causing mild hallucinations and warm limbs, the effects of which peak after five painstaking hours. Why painstaking? Because by then you’ll have experienced other symptoms, like dizziness, nausea, flushes, constipation, a racing heartbeat, panic, and a mouth dryer than a camel’s armpit. Oh, and it can last for 48 hours. Bet you’re reaching for the jar right now.
Whipped Cream Aerosol
When mom goes to make her apple pie and not only finds her fresh ground nutmeg all gone but the can of whipped cream she bought to go with said pie now empty, if she’s smart she’ll put two and two together. See, the nitrous oxide gas from such canisters can be inhaled to give the fridge-raiding moron a high – albeit not a particularly cheap one with the kind of quantities needed to make the euphoria and oh-so-tempting triple D’s of dizziness, depersonalization and derealisation last for more than two minutes. Though not harmful in small doses, there are risks due to lack of oxygen. So while you might be laughing now, you could be laughing on the other side of your cream-spattered face later.
Video Head Cleaner
Maybe less well known among the household item users and abusers is video head cleaner, which may soon vanish as videos become obsolete. Still, idiots who would urge you to get it while you can will tell you this stuff is chock full of juicy amyl nitrate goodness – better known to the world as poppers. The effects of poppers are akin to having your head slammed in a car door while someone injects molten metal into your blood vessels. Aside from the coveted joys of the ‘head rush’ and racing heart rate, poppers also relax the sphincter muscles (hence their popularity on the gay scene). The long list of health issues includes asphyxia, carbon monoxide poisoning, skin irritation and facial dermatitis. Lush.
Another one for those keen to eat copious amounts of disagreeable foodstuffs to get baked, blasted, blitzed or stoned: enter the humble mulberry. Yes, the fruit that might find its way into one of mom’s culinary creations (when everyone’s sick of apple pie) can also be intoxicating and mildly hallucinogenic – if, that is, the white sap from the unripe fruit and green plant parts are ingested. Basically, this means either your mom needs to be insanely well-prepared with getting her ingredients, or you’re going to have to go find one of the trees out in the woods. And by the way, to obtain the paltry high on offer expect a stomach queasy enough to make you barf up all you’ve gone to such lengths to consume.
Computer Cleaning Duster
Another retarded DIY recreational drug no doubt already tried by dumbasses with more free time than diminishing brain cells is computer cleaning duster. Anyone tired of surfing for porn who thinks using this stuff for anything other than its god-given purpose (impressing mom with how clean your keys are) is a bona fine idiot. This crap is in the same ballpark as other canned air inhalants and solvents, with effects ranging from a drunk-like state to wild hallucinations. But the risks far outweigh any ‘benefits’. Inhaling a gas that elbows the oxygen in your lungs out of the way like the high school beefcake can kill by hypoxia, and with computer duster there may not even be any outward signs of suffocation.
Now calling the Colorado River Toad an everyday item is a bit of a stretch, but if you live in the Southwestern United States, these psychoactive amphibians could well be there croaking in your backyard; or if you (or your mom) are a pet collector, maybe you bought one that’s now crawling around your tank. But we digress. The point here is that the skin and venom of this warty little critter contains 5-MeO-DMT and bufotenin, chemicals that mean ingesting them can be hallucinogenic. Seriously hallucinogenic. Yep, smoke this stuff – milked fresh from the toad’s glands, say – and the trip you take may be one you wish you hadn’t embarked on. Sorry, had to say it: one for those who want to get toadally high.
Looking in the bathroom cabinet for items to get you high is not recommended (jeez, none of this is recommended!) but if you drink enough of certain cough syrups you’re going to start feeling a little… bit… sleepy. Exceed the suggested dose and not only will you be whisked swiftly off to lah lah land, but opening your eyelids in the morning will feel like a training session for a Romanian weightlifter. When used recreationally for “robotripping”, the active ingredient in certain brands, DMX, produces effects such as euphoria, distortion of vision and perception, and the experience of time travelling. Really start increasing the dosage and you can expect temporary or long term psychosis or even an OD. No thanks.