5 Wildly Inappropriate Children’s Items

 

We outfit our electronics with parental controls in order to shield children’s innocent eyes from violent, offensive and pornographic material. We secure our home cleaning supplies to keep kiddies from mistaking Comet for a container of shakable Parmesan cheese. We teach our children to not run with scissors or go near strangers with candy and panel vans, but our “DANGER, DANGER, PARENT! DANGER!” antennae do not typically rise when our kids interact with items like clothing, books and toys that are specifically geared toward them. It’s time to reprogram our antennae.  Here are 5 wildly inappropriate children’s items.
 

Crotchless Thong Panties

 

 

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Oh yeah, you read that heading correctly. A disgusted Colorado mom broke the news about a store called Kids N Teen selling crotchless, thong panties for kids. The retailer offered a less than lame excuse for selling the barely there underwear by claiming that Kids N Teen is still sorting out its inventory, but where is an explanation from the manufacturer and/or designer of this pornographic product? Face it, crotchless panties have only one purpose (that doesn’t involve creating a breezeway), and that shouldn’t involve any products directed toward girls allegedly as young as seven.
    
Parents worldwide already wring their hands at the prospect of having “The Talk” with their children, and now they have the added pressure of keeping their kids away from the slutty section of a store that also sells toddler clothing and princess dresses? Not cool. Although Kids N Teen supposedly removed the trampy panties from the sale floor, what about girls who were exposed to the panties? Did the parents of those children go home and begin forging plans to send their daughters to nunneries so as to prevent them from becoming future cast members of 16 and Pregnant, or start prepping them for their audition tape?

Pee&Poo Plush

 

 

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Let’s set the scene: a quaint, cozy, child’s bedroom with brightly colored artwork adorning the walls, a few toys scattered across a play mat and stuffed animals and dolls lining the edge of a toddler bed. You see a cuddly teddy bear and dinosaur, a Dora and all of her explorer-ness doll, and then you spot what appears to be a wide-eyed lemon drop and a swirl of chocolate candy. You lean in for further investigation and realize that the plush toys are not meant to be fuzzy representations of sweet treats but rather, cartoonish depictions of a drop of urine and a pile of feces. How cute! Wait…what?  

Hang on, it gets better.  

Emma Megitt — a graphic artist and the brains behind Pee&Poo— designed the plush toys to not only be a “cuddly companion” for kids, but also be an educational resource for parents to use when potty training their children. Did you hear that, parents!? You can teach your children to cuddle, squeeze and play with their bodily waste!   

In addition to taking their Pee&Poo to bed, kids can wear Pee&Poo covered tees, underwear and socks, flaunt Pee&Poo temporary tattoos and go online with you, parents, and play a Pee&Poo themed memory game.  

And the best part?  

Fret not, parents. Emma Megitt thought of you, too! You can wear adult sized Pee&Poo adorned clothing AND write letters on your Pee&Poo stationary. Actually, the pee themed envelopes aren’t a terrible idea. Now you can piss on The Man when you mail in your credit card payment.  

Who Cares About Disabled People Book

 

 

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Who cares about disabled people? Well, we know who doesn’t care: the unnamed author of Who Cares About Disabled People and anyone who buys the book for any purpose other than teaching children how NOT to view disabled individuals. Or anyone who buys the book at all. Make no mistake, this book is no reverse psychology, new age, humorously hipster attempt to teach children about being sensitive to the needs of the physically of mentally challenged; however, this book is laughable in its portraits and concepts of disability.
 
As Sarah Morrison shows in her reading of the story, a disabled person is someone who is too tall, someone who has an extraordinary talent — like violin playing — which can annoy others and someone who slops spaghetti down the front of her shirt. We can even disable ourselves by smoking, consuming alcohol and eating too much junk food. By this book’s definition, everyone who tailgates at a sporting event is eligible for a handicapped parking sticker.    

Boys Pimp Halloween Costume

 

 

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Gone are the days of transforming cardboard boxes and tin foil into a robot body. Finding the perfect Halloween costume has become its own retail powered robot. Children put as much or more thought into choosing their Halloween costumes as they do choosing their clothes for the first day of school each year. Therefore, we should be PO’ed that little boys have the option to dress as a pimp. You know, the man who ushers young, vulnerable women and girls into prostitution and veritably enslaves them by hoarding their earnings and physically, mentally and sexually abusing them. “Trick or treat! Now, get on the corner, ho!”  
But, why does this costume sometimes get a pass by parents and retailers alike? Because the notion of being a “pimp” is now associated with piles of dolla’, dolla’ bills, yachts, bevies of beauties, fountains of alcohol and living the good life. By that definition, even prostitutes would love to be pimps!  

Inflatable Penis Slide

 

 

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Much like the retina-searing crotchless, thong panties, this is one of those inappropriate children’s items that cannot be washed over with a coat of “Oh, it’s an unintentional perversion,” or “Children would never view it that way.” This item is the textbook definition of unsuitable for children. What the hawker of this inflatable member claims as the shape of the slide is no matter; it is a penis slide and nothing else. It isn’t shaped like a banana, rocket, snake or any other innocent enough phallic symbol. It is out and out a purple-headed, one-eyed schlong slide.
 
The children in this video are clearly hopping inside the shaft of a penis, sliding down it like little kiddie-sized sperm and creating money shot after money shot as they shoot out the tip of THE PENIS SLIDE. Where is Chris Hansen when you need him? Dateline NBC could catch an entire season’s worth of predators by following these penis slides around the country, raiding county fairs and birthday parties, and arresting slide operators and any adult standing within 20 yards of the slide with a too big smile and one hand down their sweatpants. 

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