5 Most Sinister Children’s Entertainers of All Time
Kid’s TV: it’s not all innocent frolicking and mindless humor. Behind the candy-sweet facade often lurks a rotten, sinister core. We love it. Some never recovered from it. This is our list of the most harrowing kid’s ‘entertainers’ ever to foul our screens. Be afraid, very afraid.
Him is the sexually dubious, schizophrenic nemesis of the Powerpuff girls. Looking like a cross between a boiled crab and a camp version of Satan, he is undoubtedly the gayest evil guy we’ve ever had the misfortune to come across. The most important thing to mention is that Him is really just interested in f***ing with your head. Sure, he’d love to do the standard villain thing: take over the world, slaughter the Powerpuff girls etc. But why go to the effort when you could just mince around, wearing woman’s clothing and generally being bizarre?
Him likes dressing up in makeup, a woman’s red jacket and skirt with pink tulle, and black thigh boots – for no reason other than the fact he gets a kick out of being a nutter. Pretty cracked. But it doesn’t stop there… At one point he’s seen engaging in deep conversation with his rubber duck, voice wavering between high-pitched falsetto and deep, throaty boom. What could be more disturbing than a lobster-clawed Satan in thigh-boots and full make up, conducting a schizophrenic conversation with a rubber duck? Read on my friend, read on.
4. The Boobahs
These bouncing scrotums are like a bad trip from which you will never wake up. Yes, they’re round and brightly colored, and yes, they always appear accompanied by brain melting merry-go-round music – but think twice before letting your kids loose on them. As one blogger pointed out, 99% of Boobah’s screenplay appears to have been taken directly from CIA transcripts of people undergoing LSD experimentation.
Whereas most of us decide to ingest psychoactive chemicals and experience hours of traumatic auditory and visual hallucinations when we are teenagers – the producers of Boobah evidently think it is a good idea for your children to undergo this when they are 4. No wonder the kids of today grow up to get their kicks out of mindless violence and chewing on concrete. The show seems to consist of little more than soft, tie-dye style flashing lights, the echoing sound of children laughing in the background and endless low-level squeeking, probably communicating subliminal messages to ‘kill, kill’ in morse code. Sickeningly sinister.
3. Freaky Fred
There’s no two ways about it: Freaky Fred is deranged. Although this villain from the bizarrely named series, Courage the Cowardly Dog, only rarely appears, his mania for cutting hair and disturbed internal monologue rank up there amongst the most insanely sinister of all kid’s TV characters. His obsession with cutting hair has landed him in a psychiatric ward (surprise, surpirse), but it’s his unhinged self-rendered narration that freaks us out – delivered in a sharp British accent and with the word ‘naughty’ inserted at every fourth line.
The overall impression left is of a not-so-distant relative of the Simpson’s, Sideshow Bob. In one harrowing episode Fred visits Courage the dog’s aging Scottish owner, Muriel, and becomes locked in the bathroom with the furry mutt. His natural reaction? Why shave all its hair off, of course – whilst reminiscing about similar incidents involving his pet gerbil, girlfriend and a customer at his barber shop. Wtf?
Captain Pugwash was the blustered pirate who bossed around the work-shy crew of his ship the Black Pig as they sailed the Seven Seas. Since the show went off air various accusations of hidden sexual gags have emerged and an elaborate and orchestrated cover-up campaign has played out across the media for several years now, attempting to convince us that Pugwash was not full of sexual double-entendres. Do not believe these lies. A very close friend of the author watched Pugwash as a child and has spent most of his adult life in and out of institutions as a result. Or so he says.
Not a surprise really when you consider the show featured characters called Roger the Cabin Boy (no thanks), Seaman Stains (eewwghh!) and Master Bates. Pugwash is itself slang for something very nasty in Australia. You’d think this kind of imagery would go straight over the heads of young children, so we’re not sure which we find more disturbing: poor little Freddie innocently laughing away at this sordid smut, blissfully unaware – or the thought that some 4 year olds actually ‘got’ the jokes and found them offensive!?
We’ve been wondering exactly what it is that makes these putrid blobs so horrifyingly sinister, and we think we’ve put our finger on it. There’s just so much that is unexplained in the Teletubbies – so many weird, bizarre, essentially inexplicable facets – that as a viewer you are left with no other choice but to suspect that something evil lurks not far below the surface. Take the Teletubbies themselves: four brightly colored blobs with antennae attached to their heads, who cavort in a sickly-sweet barren landscape that closely resembles a miniature golf course, watched by a giant sun with a computer-generated face of a baby at its heart. This must be evil, right?
Screenplay is a baffling series of fragmented interchanges, mechanical repetition and what appears to be drug-induced chanting. It’s hard to decide whether the Teletubbies are undergoing some kind of Brave New World style experiment in which forced happiness is induced by regular injections, leaving them to wander their strange hallucinogenic world in a profound stupour – or whether they are a window into an apocalyptic, nanny-state, proto-Nazi dystopia, in which they replace the Gestapo as agents of the state. As we said, it just has to be evil.