Sex education comes in all shapes and sizes – but it doesn’t matter how big it is, it’s what you do with it that counts. Apparently. Whether we’re being told to put a hat on it or that promiscuity will lead to an untimely death, sex ed can be pretty darn weird. Here are 25 of the strangest campaigns ever seen!
25) Spit or swallow
While this might theoretically be a good idea, it’s plainly not. Can you catch STDs from oral sex? Yes. Should you find out before you have a mouthful of j***? Yes, you probably should. And, as seen in the video below, do you really wander round and bump into people with a mouthful of man milk?
24) Pet murder
Look at this miserable chihuahua – it looks like it’s dying. In fact it probably is, because you’ve decided to ‘keep it safe’ by stuffing it into a tiny plastic sock. The only way this could be ‘keeping it safe’ is if you’re sending it somewhere truly terrible – and you really shouldn’t do that. Lesson: don’t keep living things in a condom. Unless it’s your old chap, that is!
23) Pet contraception
‘Animals need safe sex, too’? No, they really, really don’t, because neutering just isn’t the same as safe sex. This woman is holding up a condom while advocating removing your pet’s sexual organs – making it broadly incapable of sexual activity of any kind, let alone the safe kind. But then who really would want to pick up doggy condoms?
22) Good time girls will make you die of syphilis
This might not come as a surprise to you but there are three types of women – pick ups, “good time” girls and prostitutes. And they’ll all give you syphilis. The only thing that this fantastically politically incorrect poster leaves out is the fact that, unlikely as it might sound, seamen might just be spreading STDs on their own.
21) Creepy. Creepy. Creepy
Directed by Mathieu Mortelmans, this MTV ‘Staying Alive’ video is extraordinarily uncomfortable. As we all know, promiscuous sex equals death. And your partner is probably going to be gleefully involved in killing you. Yikes.
20) Because your mother hates you
This is why no one wants to live with their parents. Because their mother watches them having sex and then mimes fellatio at them. Created as part of the GI Jonny teen safe sex campaign for the BBC, the ads caused a bit of a stir, with parents calling them “disgusting”, “degrading” “filth”. The kind of things you’re exposed to in the family home, eh?
19) Look out behind you!
So Hitler does you up the wrong ‘un. And then he gives you AIDS. What a b******. Through this German AIDS-awareness campaign, the Dirk Silz advertising agency was trying to make the point that you should really check who you’re sleeping with. However, they were subsequently criticized for having accused people with AIDS of being like Hitler. Who’d have thought it, eh? Below is uncle Joe Stalin getting it on.
18) Hitler sperm
Of course, if Hitler did sleep with you, it was probably because he wanted to shoot one of these up you. Quite rightly, the thorough application of condoms would mean that no bad person would ever have been born. Such as Chairman Mao. See below.
17) Nearly never
We’d make the point that safe sex is frequently wrong. Of course, safe sex between adults, we’re fine with. But that doesn’t cover quite all of safe sex… Whatever JWT’s claymation S&M angels might be about to get up to…
16) Let’s talk about your stiffy!
The wood paneling. The sofa bed. The creepy man telling the boy about erections. And persistently asking him if he ever gets them. This is like a scene from your nightmares. Because as we know there’s nothing worse than talking to children about sex.
15) Apart from one thing
Well, maybe there’s one thing worse. Having children. If there’s one side effect of having sex without using contraception which is even more reliable than dying of STDs, it’s getting pregnant and having children. Then at some point, you’re going to have to tell them about sex.
14) Speaking of which…
Sure, it’s fine to hug people who have AIDS, just so long as you don’t share blood transfusions with them and so on. We understand this and, sure, people didn’t get this in 1987, when this poster was made. Nevertheless we don’t want to hug children with AIDS. We don’t want to hug children without AIDS. They have snot coming out of them.
13) The most awkward thing of all
Boy masturbates. His mother turns up, impassively lectures him in an alarmingly deadpan fashion, leaves. He carries on masturbating. At least she didn’t imitate fellatio, I suppose. The wonders of living in a more innocent age, eh?
Would you trust this jackass to give you advice about sex? He’s wearing what’s either a wetsuit or a full body sheath. Nobody’s getting STDs wearing that thing! But where’s his head going? Then there’s his advice: “Don’t be shame.” Does he mean “ashamed”? Because he didn’t say it.
11) AIDS will even kill stickmen
Maybe Condoman is right to be worried about AIDS – it even kills stick men. This guy looks like he had an awesome time before throwing up, lying down and then dying. We had thought stick men were pretty impervious to harm, what with their lack of organs or body tissues. But AIDS – it’s a killer.
10) Don’t we all want to do this?
So you’d never go in unprepared? But this guy does have a submachine gun, after all. If you’re carrying protection, you’re fine, right? That’s why we ‘sleep’ with a pistol under the pillow. On the other hand, running around naked with a machine gun does look like the most fun you could possibly ever have.
9) Spot the homo!
Getting picked up by curb crawling men, who bear a “dangerous and contagious” “sickness of the mind”? Are we talking about pedophiles? No, we’re talking about their close cousins, the homosexuals, for whom boys on the 1950s should be on the look out. So they can avoid them, obviously. Somewhat politically incorrect, we think.
8) This guy’s an HIV fan. What an ass hat
Does this man have HIV? Is he spreading it? We don’t know. But he is apparently supporting it, which officially makes him an ass hat. Notwithstanding this bizarre, artificial situation, who would support HIV? Why? What are they even talking about?
7) More awkward children
6) Worst gift EVER
5) “Hello,” said the penis. “Aaaaah!” said the vagina
We’ve heard of and been horrified by the story of vagina dentata, but the prospect of a talking penis is taking it a step too far. We’d advise the ladies to steer well clear of over-communicative penises, even if they are appropriate sheathed. Once again this is the work of MTV.
4) He’s going to shoot her in the…? Jesus
Have we mentioned? Sex equals death. Taking that message a step on, the ever-responsible MTV sponsored this Portuguese campaign advocating the idea that while happiness might be holding a warm gun, depression is infecting your partner with DEATH from your infected weapon. The horror.
3) It could be worse…
You could be having sex with the horrifying spider man. While we imagine an awful lot of stimulating could be done with 12 arms (count ‘em), this ad really does make the horrible point – those arms have done a lot of hugging.
2) Or even worse…
At least that fella had arms. This pair (above and at top) are making out with a giant scorpion and a giant spider, respectively – which is quite frankly an absolutely frigging terrifying prospect. If you’re having sex with someone with AIDS you’d hope that they wouldn’t eviscerate you and eat you. Of course if you’re having sex with someone who’s deliberately trying to infect you with AIDS, they don’t sound very nice. But with giant spiders, you just don’t know. Horrifying.
1) This woman. Loves the c***
Having taken a look at the giant penis starfish, the giant penis jellyfish or the giant penis turtles you might begin to imagine that this woman, swimming in a giant condom, has an above average interest in the male member. But this does look rather horrifying. Perhaps she’d enjoy the company of the TnA man, below? Or perhaps they’d have issues as they’re both trapped in giant condoms?