Rose O’Donnell has accepted a spot on ‘The View’ – a show I never watch and wouldn’t if it were the last TV program on Earth. She will be replacing Meredeth Vieria – I have no idea who that is. I really don’t know who most the women are except of course Barbara Wa-Wa and Star Jones – and only her because she’s the chinsy bitch who got free shit for her wedding by plugging their stuff on the show.

All that being said, I like Rosie. Her cutie pa-tudie stuff drives me nuts, but I think she’s a good person. And she and her girlfriend are adorable. So, if for some reason, I’m unemployed, sitting around on my ass eating a half gallon of cookie dough icecream because my boyfriend left me AND I’m craving some woman time, I MAY at somepoint watch ‘The View.’

I read her Vanity Fair interview, okay? I know she cried through the WHOLE thing pretty much. Same as Teri Hatcher now that I think about it. Those Vanity Fair reporters must be brutal! OR it could be that Jen had just been publicly dumped by her husband Brad Pitt who cavorts to all sorts of crazy countries with new lover Angelina Jolie who he impregnated almost immediately. That’s tough.
NOW, People Magazine has has named the Pitt/Jolie family as the “Most Beautiful.” Why don’t you just give poor Jen a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?

It has a sort of ‘Wacko Jacko’ ring to it, doesn’t it? I’ve made no secret of the fact that I think Tom Cruise will be the next celeb to publicly self-destruct. And just when you think he can’t get any stranger he says something random like ‘I’m going to eat my baby’s placenta.’

I know everyone else and their dog has written about this but just give me a brief moment to put in my two quarters. Who SAYS something like that? He claims he was joking but who even jokes about that? At times like this, I always think of sweet little Katie Holmes, who I used to watch religiously on Dawson’s Creek. Can she really be supportive of everything he says and does? Doesn’t Scientology sound just a little crazy to her? Doesn’t her lips eventually chafe from constantly making out in public? Doens’t joking about eating placenta make her want to say, ‘Tom, enough is enough. Now go kiss your gay lover for a while – I’m spent.’

In a recent statement, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have asked the press to leave them alone. Just because they make millions of dollars, travel all over the world, broke up Pitts marriage, posed in magazine ads together and made a movie together – they really just want to be left alone.

“We love Africa and to be here in Namibia with our family is very special for us. To the local people who have been so kind and gracious, thank you for making us feel at home. As for the press, we kindly ask for privacy so that we can enjoy this beautiful country with our children.”

Namibian Prime Minister Nahas Angula chimed in, “This lady is expecting. You guys are harassing her. Why don’t you allow her some privacy? Harassment is not allowed in Namibia. If a person says they don’t want to be photographed then, of course, that person deserves protection.” He added that if the press DO get any good shots of them shagging, to send him a copy.

Poor Tom. He just can’t win lately. Especially not with me, since he is my current favorite crazy celebrity. I live for him getting nutting and doing crazy shit – which apparently he can’t help. Before Tom was Michael Jackson, and before that was… well, nobody. It’s a new fettish. But Cruise is the one that seems the most on the edge at the moment, which is titilating.

His latest scandal involves a poll by Parade Magazine that appeared to be tampered with. After finding that 84 percent of respondents believed that the media was responsible for Tom’s recent public image snafus, Parade execs looked into the results. They found that more than 14,000 of the responses came from only 10 computers.

A Parade rep added, “One computer was responsible for nearly 8,400 votes alone, all blaming the media for Tom’s troubles. We also discovered that at least two other machines were the sources of inordinate numbers of votes. It seems these folks (whoever they may be) resorted to extraordinary measures to try to portray Tom in a positive light for the Parade.com survey. There is even a chance they wrote a special ‘bot’ program for the sole purpose of skewing the results, rather than casting the votes by hand on a computer.”

Tom, Tom, Tom. First of all, it’s Parade. Who READS that anyway? Second of all, despite your belief in the high-tech E-Meter, our world’s technological advances seem to have escaped you. They can track where each vote comes from these days.

…uh, wait a minute, someone is ringing my doorbell…
You guys will not believe this! TOM freaking CRUISE was at my door! He’s standing here right next to me! He says he’ll pay me big money if I write something nice about him on my blog. Here ya go Tom: You have great teeth.
That’s 5,000 bones, my friends. Cha-ching.

I guess Hillary Duff (and her crazy rocker boyfriend) is old news. Lindsay is just not getting the same headlines hating on Hillary that she used to. And since she’s ready to pick a fight with just about anyone, she picked the very-much-in-the-headlines Jessica Simpson.

Apparently she sent over a round of champaign to Jessica at a LA night club last week. When Jessica failed to thank Lindsay for the gesture, cattiness ensued and Jessica ended up in tears. Brett Ratner, who has been linked romantically to Lindsay Lohan recently, happened to be there and stepped in to break up the scene.

Is the media just blowing this out of proportion, or is Lindsay so attention starved that she has to pick fights with famous people? Not sure, but it’s given me a great idea to promote myself. Therefore, Anna Nicole, you and me are ON in the Burger King parking lot tonight! Chicken!

She’s been a favorite of the gay community since her Yentil days. I don’t know a gay man who doesn’t love her. Every drag show I’ve ever been to (and I’ve been to a more than a couple) has featured a fabulous – though a little boxy – Babs impersonator.

So why did she refuse to star the final episode Will & Grace? Cause she’s pure evil. Like the fruits of the devil. My thing is this: You KNOW your gays love you. Why fight it? Cher doesn’t fight it. Bette Middler doesn’t fight it. Judy Garland doesn’t fight it – because she can’t.

What’s a real limp-wristed slap in the face is that she repeatedly refused to appear on the show. The producers knew it would just be the icing on the cake to have Barbara on the final episode after their 9 year run. Show creator Max Mutchnick explains, “We made one last attempt to get Barbra Streisand to come on the show as Karen’s sister, but there was no love there for us.”

The role of Karen’s sister, played by the fabulous bi-sexual and whiney voiced Megan Milally, was finally given to Broadway favorite Bernadette Peters. Who, quite frankly, would make a much more convincing sibling of Karen than Barbara would have anyway. Gay men everywhere are shaking a well manicured fist at you right now Babs!

My favorite! Don’t get me wrong – I watched and enjoyed me some Newlyweds. The news that they were going to divorce was not welcome, but not unexpected. If I had to pick one guy to have sex with for the rest of my life, it probably wouldn’t be Nick Lachey. But I like his tatoos. But I also enjoyed me some Laguna Beach, and Kristin was the bitch you actually sorta liked but not as much as LC(Lauren) – maybe that was just me. And also, maybe I’m the only person over 18 to watch that show. But I was excited to see the two dating, even if they weren’t REALLY dating. The IDEA of them dating – and of her copying Jessica Simpson’s hairstyle – was juicy.

Also, the idea of Jessica Simpson hooking up first with Bam Majerra (YIKES) and the Dane Cook (HOT) was also juicy. It’s no secret I’m a huge Dane Cook fan (although I have more of a weakness for bald yet hairy Dave Attel – don’t ask) and I’d love for him to really make it Dave Chappelle big. Dating Jessica Simpson would help of course, if for no other reason than photo ops. Even if they are still dating or ever were, I don’t expect it would last long. She wouldn’t laugh at any of his jokes and he punch her in the face and say, “Fuck you shark.”

Well the first reason would be that she’s flipping out throwing shit at people. Campbell has been arrested in NYC for striking her assistant in the head with ‘an object’. Which uncannily resembled a machete. In late March, she was charged and faces up to seven years in jail. She insists in the press that “this is a case of relatiation” and that she is “being extorted.” Two other assistants have claimed that Naomi Campbell threw stuff at them too, so I’m not sure that she has much of a leg to stand on – no matter how she spins it.

Like Tyra, I think it would be helpful if Naomi had a daytime talk show where she could share her deep dark secrets that “she never ever never shared with anyone never ever.” Or she could have a doctor come on and examine her breasts and assure the audience (which included a mortified me) that her breast are indeed real. Ah Tyra.

It might also help if Naomi had a show like Tyra’s “America’s Next Top Model” where she can belittle wafer-thin Kate Moss wannabe’s every week. Very therapudic. Especially when your ass is so fat you can’t model anymore, your acting career tanked – reality TV is really your only option. What does this have to do with Naomi Campbell? Very little.
I just think it’s funny when supermodels get fat.

Oh Terry. Surely you know that Ryan Seacrest is the dorky guy of Hollywood. No one takes him seriously. Even my staunch Mormon mother makes fun of him, and she likes everyone (that the rule). Don’t date him. Don’t do it!
Despite my pleas, Seacrest has been confirming rumors that the two are together right and left since pictures of them together have appeared in national magazines.

In a recent interview Seacrest says, “She’s fantastic, she’s great. I think she’s a beautiful woman, she’s a great dresser.” He jokingly added, “We can share jeans, it’s perfect.” I guess they both need to grow an ass.

My burning question is this: is Ryan a rebound??? I mean, we all read Terry’s interview in this month’s Vanity Fair (If you didn’t, get off my blog). It was actually a really great story about how she was abused as a child but never said anything and then she heard about this other gal who was abused by the SAME GUY and killed herself – so Terry came forward and made the case for the DA. Awesome. But this is all beside the point. The other thing she talks about in the article is her broken heart over a guy who she doesn’t name (who I suspect is George Clooney!). I’m just saying, if you’re looking for companionship through you heart broken time, don’t do Seacrest. I mean, COME ON.