Rose O’Donnell has accepted a spot on ‘The View’ – a show I never watch and wouldn’t if it were the last TV program on Earth. She will be replacing Meredeth Vieria – I have no idea who that is. I really don’t know who most the women are except of course Barbara Wa-Wa and Star Jones – and only her because she’s the chinsy bitch who got free shit for her wedding by plugging their stuff on the show.

All that being said, I like Rosie. Her cutie pa-tudie stuff drives me nuts, but I think she’s a good person. And she and her girlfriend are adorable. So, if for some reason, I’m unemployed, sitting around on my ass eating a half gallon of cookie dough icecream because my boyfriend left me AND I’m craving some woman time, I MAY at somepoint watch ‘The View.’

I read her Vanity Fair interview, okay? I know she cried through the WHOLE thing pretty much. Same as Teri Hatcher now that I think about it. Those Vanity Fair reporters must be brutal! OR it could be that Jen had just been publicly dumped by her husband Brad Pitt who cavorts to all sorts of crazy countries with new lover Angelina Jolie who he impregnated almost immediately. That’s tough.
NOW, People Magazine has has named the Pitt/Jolie family as the “Most Beautiful.” Why don’t you just give poor Jen a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?

It has a sort of ‘Wacko Jacko’ ring to it, doesn’t it? I’ve made no secret of the fact that I think Tom Cruise will be the next celeb to publicly self-destruct. And just when you think he can’t get any stranger he says something random like ‘I’m going to eat my baby’s placenta.’

I know everyone else and their dog has written about this but just give me a brief moment to put in my two quarters. Who SAYS something like that? He claims he was joking but who even jokes about that? At times like this, I always think of sweet little Katie Holmes, who I used to watch religiously on Dawson’s Creek. Can she really be supportive of everything he says and does? Doesn’t Scientology sound just a little crazy to her? Doesn’t her lips eventually chafe from constantly making out in public? Doens’t joking about eating placenta make her want to say, ‘Tom, enough is enough. Now go kiss your gay lover for a while – I’m spent.’

In a recent statement, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have asked the press to leave them alone. Just because they make millions of dollars, travel all over the world, broke up Pitts marriage, posed in magazine ads together and made a movie together – they really just want to be left alone.

“We love Africa and to be here in Namibia with our family is very special for us. To the local people who have been so kind and gracious, thank you for making us feel at home. As for the press, we kindly ask for privacy so that we can enjoy this beautiful country with our children.”

Namibian Prime Minister Nahas Angula chimed in, “This lady is expecting. You guys are harassing her. Why don’t you allow her some privacy? Harassment is not allowed in Namibia. If a person says they don’t want to be photographed then, of course, that person deserves protection.” He added that if the press DO get any good shots of them shagging, to send him a copy.

Poor Tom. He just can’t win lately. Especially not with me, since he is my current favorite crazy celebrity. I live for him getting nutting and doing crazy shit – which apparently he can’t help. Before Tom was Michael Jackson, and before that was… well, nobody. It’s a new fettish. But Cruise is the one that seems the most on the edge at the moment, which is titilating.

His latest scandal involves a poll by Parade Magazine that appeared to be tampered with. After finding that 84 percent of respondents believed that the media was responsible for Tom’s recent public image snafus, Parade execs looked into the results. They found that more than 14,000 of the responses came from only 10 computers.

A Parade rep added, “One computer was responsible for nearly 8,400 votes alone, all blaming the media for Tom’s troubles. We also discovered that at least two other machines were the sources of inordinate numbers of votes. It seems these folks (whoever they may be) resorted to extraordinary measures to try to portray Tom in a positive light for the Parade.com survey. There is even a chance they wrote a special ‘bot’ program for the sole purpose of skewing the results, rather than casting the votes by hand on a computer.”

Tom, Tom, Tom. First of all, it’s Parade. Who READS that anyway? Second of all, despite your belief in the high-tech E-Meter, our world’s technological advances seem to have escaped you. They can track where each vote comes from these days.

…uh, wait a minute, someone is ringing my doorbell…
You guys will not believe this! TOM freaking CRUISE was at my door! He’s standing here right next to me! He says he’ll pay me big money if I write something nice about him on my blog. Here ya go Tom: You have great teeth.
That’s 5,000 bones, my friends. Cha-ching.