I can’t believe that there are people out there that have nothing better to do than spread salacious rumors about celebs on the internet. I mean, who DOES that?

Ford says: “The worst thing about the internet is that anything and everything is up for grabs. How can that be, when I limit my public conversations to about once every couple of years? Any kind of rubbish goes on the internet and it can have a f**king life of its own.”

I can see his point. I mean, something shows up in US Weekly, then ends up on various internet news feeds and next thing you know, some blogger is writing about it on her website (check out Celebricious, it’s AWESOME). I’m with you Han Solo. I feel your pain. For that reason I’m boycotting the internet for 30 minutes. Starting… later.

Ike Turner is among the ultimate movie bad guys according to a new poll in Vibe Magazine. Laurence Fishburnes’s Tina-beating Ike came in #4 on a list of fictional characters. You know you’ve crossed the line when you’re spookier than Norman Bates. My only question is, Tina, why’d you make him hit you? The list is headed up by the king of spooky Hannibal Lector, played by spooky in a British way Anthony Hopkins. The top five on the list is:

1. Hannibal Lecter/Silence of the Lambs franchise (Anthony Hopkins)
2. Darth Vader/Star Wars franchise (David Prowse, James Earl Jones–Voice–& Hayden Christensen)
3. Freddy Krueger/A Nightmare on Elm Street franchise (Robert Englund)
4. Ike Turner/What’s Love Got to Do with It? (Laurence Fishburne)
5. Norman Bates/Psycho (Anthony Perkins)

A recent online poll on Askmen.com also had visitors vote on the “deadliest screen villainess of all time.” All I want to know is, What about Stephen King’s Carrie? Or her mom? They were both freakin spooky. These gals all have one thing in common: They’re all pretty hot. I guess people don’t want to think about the ugly vilainesses. Here’s what the internet trollers had to say:

1. Sharon Stone–Basic Instinct and Basic Instinct 2
2. Glenn Close–Fatal Attraction
3. Louise Fletcher–One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
4. Rebecca De Mornay–The Hand That Rocks the Cradle
5. Barbara Stanwyck–Double Indemnity
6. Anne Bancroft–The Graduate
7. Daryl Hannah–Kill Bill: Vol. 1 and Vol. 2
8. Natasha Henstridge–Species
9. Carrie Fisher–The Blues Brothers
10. Famke Janssen–Goldeneye

I guess at some point we all wanted to be Wonder Woman (I was really more of a Bionic Woman kind of gal). And we all wanted to disown our parents. But only Linday Lohan actually makes those dreams a reality. Fortunately most of us outgrew those yearnings… except maybe those of the gay male persuasion with a love of the American flag – to which I say, You go girl! But Lindsay? She’s way too young to be trying to relive her childish fantasies. Is she even 14 yet?

But Lohan says she’s desperate to play Wonder Woman in the forthcoming movie version – once played by the buxom Linda Carter on TV. Lohan says, “Wonder Woman would be cool. I’m trying to find roles right now that are different to anything I’ve done to show my abilities, to show that I have some sort of stretch in me. Because most of the things that I’ve done so far are aimed at younger girls and are light-hearted.” Yeah cause Wonder Woman is all tragic and shit. The next Blanche Dubois.

What IS tragic is Linday’s recent decision to cut all ties with her druggie father Michael because “he’s very self-destructive and it’s very difficult to deal with someone who has so much anger and bitterness.There were so many times in the past where he would just disappear for several days and make us worry and go frantic wondering what was going on. He’s out of all of our lives now, and that’s the way it must be.” I think she must want to use Wonder Woman’s magic lasso, invisible jet and bullet deflecting wrist bands against dad. Or at least against the paparrazi.

Unfortunately, she’ll have to judo-chop the role from the very pregant Katie Holmes who is the front runner in the rumor mill for the role. I think Katie will probably get the role, only because movie execs can see clearly that she needs the magic laso and invisble jet more than Lindsay. At some point she’ll want to tie up Tom Cruise with his gay lover and leave him for the authorities while she escapes in the jet with her alien baby. And maybe the wristbands to deflect spooky Thetans sent by L. Ron Hubbard.

For those of you who follow the whole Biggie Smalls-Tupac shootings (East Si-eede! West Si-eede!) gangsta stuff, here’s a little video for you. Like all deaths of infamous figures, a rumor has circulated since the shooting that Tupac is still alive. This little anti-climatic snippet on Jokaroo claims footage of a guy who looks a lot like Tupac. Except he’s SUPER SCRAWNEY. No offense but Tupac was HOT and STACKED. You know what I’m talking about? If he is still alive, I’d love to get me some of that brown sugar. Can I hear you say what?

Trying to be all edgy and shit, Madonna made her most recent video – ironically called ‘Sorry’ – with a ‘rude gesture’ to the camera. So before the release, music execs had the video re-edited for distribution. An insider said: “I guess it was too vulgar for general audiences. Besides, it is a rather unseemly gesture for a mother-of-two who, when she’s not making obscene gestures, is singing the praises of Kabbalah and writing inspirational children’s books.”

But I get you, Madonna. You’re all of a sudden an English gentilwoman after prancing around in a pointy bra for YEARS. I’d want to bust out a little, too. But no matter where I searched online, I couldn’t find what ‘gesture’ Madonna made. Was it the bird? Was it a sign of the devil? Was it the super finger? Did she finger-fuck her mouth? What? (My apologies, I just watched ‘The Aristocrats). My point is that of Madonna made said rude gesture to retain her rock and roll image, the least she could do is let us know what it was! Maybe she’s embarrassed because all she did was a thumbs up.

On a nocturnal wine induced web crawl, I stumbled across this website while searching for “celebrity polls.” On this site a German fellow named Stefan presents a clunky, dated website that brings all his passions to one place – physics, German politics and American celebrities.

He has created a celebrity polls page where you can vote for celebs in the following categories: Most beautiful, most graceful, nicest and most erotical. What exactly IS ‘erotical’? Whatever. Curious, I clicked on all four to see how people were ranked and Pamela Anderson was at the top of EVERY list. Come on, German people. She can’t be ALL those things!

Stefen also has a page dedicated to Pam and links about Pam including a list of polls dedicated specifically to Pam. Methinks we’re a little into Pam. And Pam just HAPPENS to be #1 on all his polls. This begs the question: Does Stefan sit home all day and take his own celebrity polls? I’m onto that wacky German.
“Hmmm…. the most erotical? I think I’ll go with… Pam Anderson today. Da.”

I hate to admit that I desperately looked for something trashy about Michael Douglas to make fun of just now. Turns out, he and Catherine Zeta-Jones seem to be having a great relationship and he’s a pretty great guy, actor and director. Curses. I suppose that puts him in a prime position to criticize another very public relationship like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Especially as he’s a huge fan of Jennifer Aniston and is baffled by Pitt’s recent dumping of her.

Douglas is quoted in the British GQ as saying, “I don’t know about Brad Pitt, leaving that beautiful woman to go hold orphans for Angelina. I mean how long is that going to last?” Thank you Michael for saying what we were all thinking. Okay, maybe I was just thinking it. It’s not that I don’t like Angelina – she’s beautiful and she’s talented – but I’m still not sure whether she’s using her powers for good or evil.

Jennifer Aniston is reported “fed up” with all the gossip surrounding the other couple – probably mostly because the gossip used to be her and Brad. In Vogue, she calls the situation a ’sick’ and ‘twisted Bermuda triangle.’ She adds that, “It makes my skin crawl.” It does me too. But only because of the anticipation of seeing the relationship crash and burns Meg-Ryan-Russell-Crowe-style. I’m not a hater. I’m just a lover of a good crash.

Now you know WHY she wants to fuck around.
A new survey of make-up artists and hair stylists have named Scarlett Johannson as the most natural beauty. You know, that perfect alabaster skin and full lips. I have to admit that when I’m pouring over my Vogue (don’t make fun) she’s one of the women that really make want to punch them in the face. Okay, I’d make out with her first and THEN punch her.

Also named in the survey in 2nd and 3rd place were Kate Winslet and Catherine Zeta-Jones, both of whom are stunning in my book. Also named for the most natural good looks were male actors Orlando Bloom, Jake Gyllenhaal and the ever hot Johnny Depp. I could take or leave Orlando, Jake is adorable – but what is it about that scraggly crazy part playing french chick shagging guy that is so appealing? It’s a mystery, but I’d fuck him. I’m such a slut.

I was never a big Spice Girl fan. Too cavity-inducing sweet for me.
(Although I DID sorta like that “Holla” song. Guilty pleasure)
But while the other Spice Girls have dropped off the face of the “the people we give a shit about” world, Victoria “Posh” Beckham has emerged as a fashion icon and celebrity – despite her apparent lack of talent. Actually, I recall that she was pretty good at shakin’ her bon bon it in those videos. That’s something. Also, she landed the world’s hottest soccer player EVER, David Beckham. In the UK especially, Posh and Becks are celeb royalty. And despite her hoochie beginnings and pretensious name, Posh has actually turned out to be quite posh.
Check out her 10 Style Commandments and be amazed at how much friggin sense she makes.