19 Of The Worst Political Sex Scandals

If we were to list all the political sex scandals in the last, say, 20 years on here, we would run out of space on the internet. So, lets limit a little, shall we? First, no Bill Clinton. Sorry folks, overdone. #2, it can’t just be infidelity. The rate of straying outside of your marriage is phenomenally high with politicians, so it has to be something a little more…interesting to get on this list. These 19 politicians, from both sides of the aisle, have all made major, major sexual screw-ups, and ended up on our list of worst sex scandals.

19. Jack Ryan

Let’s start with one that I can’t really blame the guy for. Jack Ryan (apart from sharing a name with a Tom Clancy character), was a Republican candidate for Senate in Illinois who was forced to withdraw from the race, and his replacement lost to Obama for the seat. But I digress. See, Ryan was married to actor Jeri Ryan — aka Seven of Nine — but the couple had divorced years previously. However, during the campaign, the divorce records came to light, and a scandal ensued. It seems part of the reason for the divorce was that Jack wanted his wife to perform sex in public with him at sex clubs around the country. Dude, if I was fucking Jeri Ryan, I’d want everyone in the world to see, too.

18. Elliot Spitzer

Democrat Governer of NY, Elliot Spitzer didn’t just have an affair. He had an affair with a prostitute. An expensive one. A really, really expensive one. Usually, I don’t particularly care if people like hookers. As far as I’m concerned, that’s legislating morality, which is something I don’t agree with. However, Spitzer’s scandal was way too big to ignore, including the fact that the prostitute in question was a $1,000-an-hour callgirl. Damn. It’s estimated he spent some $80,000 on escorts during his time in office — a figure that Berlusconi scoffs at.

17. John Edwards

Oh man, John Edwards, what happened? You were the squeeky clean chosen one! You didn’t have a tarnish on you! You were charming and a tireless fighter for the poor. And then you had to go sire a baby while your wife was battling cancer. Look, people cheat. It happens. But if you’re going to do it, at least have the common decency to wrap your dick. Come on! First, no chance of babies coming back to haunt you. Second, no STDs. Why in the world wouldn’t you? His mistress was a filmmaker hired for his presidential campaign, and their relationship eventually led to him getting caught out by the National Enquirer for having a bastard child. If the relationship is serious enough that you’ll have a baby with the lady, it’s probably time to divorce your wife.

16. Larry Craig

Larry Craig was a Republican Senator for Idaho who got arrested for allegedly propositioning a police officer at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. If you’re ever there, it’s the one by the giant Snoopy statue. True story. Now, the story goes that Craig was attempting to proposition the officer by using hand and foot gestures common for those who like anonymous sex in bathrooms. He was arrested, but claimed over and over that he wasn’t gay. He eventually plead guilty to a reduced charge of disorderly conduct, and resigned. Another anti-gay Republican with more than a passing interest in the manflesh, after this scandal broke a large number of men game forward alleging further inappropriate conduct by the Senator.

15. Mark Sanford

Look, again, I’m not picking on politicians who have had affairs. There are far too many of them to hit. Again, it takes something more than that to make this list. Like disappearing off the face of the earth for days while you fly to Argentina to screw your mistress, then claim you were “hiking the Appalachian trail.” For six days the whereabouts of South Carolina Republican Governor Mark Sanford were unknown, even to his family and security detail. It was claimed that he was off hiking, when he was really off in Argentina with his mistress of a number of years. Smooth.

14. Mark Foley

Ladies and gentlemen, here is Mark Foley (R-Florida) ranting about “internet predators.” The same Mark Foley who was rabidly anti-gay. The same Mark Foley who IMed and emailed his teenage pages in entirely inappropriate ways. That’s right, he was trying to have sex with teenage boys — one of whom was only 16. He emailed them asking for cock shots, wanted oral sex, sent out emails and messages of varying degrees of innuendo and explicitness, all while campaigning against gay rights. While the messagers were widespread and damning, there are only one or two actual instances of physical contact between him and younger men, and they were all ex-pages at that point, and at the age of consent. Still really, really creepy.

13. Kwame Kilpatrick

Kilpatrick was the Democrat mayor of Detroit who was caught in a sexting scandal. Surely, compared to the rampant sex that some of these other guys on this list have engaged in, what’s a little sexting? Well, for one it was between him and his chief of staff, who then lied under oath about not having an affair, and then fired the investigating officer. There was also the issue that they used the official government pagers to communicate. Come on, disposable prepay cellphone! Everyone knows that! They also used city funds for their liaison, a definite no-no. If you can get hold of the messages themselves, they’re hilarious, full of explicit language and swearing. They’re amazing.

12. Anthony Weiner

Oh, Anthony Weiner. With a last name like that, you think you’d be a bit more careful about what you show everyone — you’re just making it too easy on all the tabloid headline writers out there. Weiner not only sent pictures of junk to many, many women, it appears he did so even having an incredibly hot wife. Seriously, the dude married up. Wow. Yet still he decided that sexting was a good move for an up-and-coming politician, and then he lied about. Lied through his teeth. Again and again. Before finally copping to the fact that the liked showing people his junk. Again, that’s mostly his business, but the instant you start lying about it, that’s when everything goes down in flames. Lets see if his career survives this, but I wouldn’t count on it.

11. Vito Fossella

Vito was a Republican representative from the state of New York for years, before his affair came to light. Oh no, not an affair? How rare is that in the world of politics. No, it wasn’t just that he had an affair, it’s how it came to light that got him on this list. See, he got arrested for DUI (mistake #1), got his mistress to bail him out (mistake #2) and then it turned out he had a three year old child with her while still married (mistake #oh god, you fool!) Seriously? You get caught drunk driving, try to make sure no-one knows by getting your bit on the side to bail you out? How can you not understand that that only makes it much, much worse? Can all incoming junior politicians get a basic education in how to cover your tracks, and how to admit to one minor scandal without making it big by dragging in anything else you might have done?

10. Don Sherwood

Sherwood was a Republican member of the House of Representatives for Florida, and like just about every other politician ever, he had a mistress. But yet again, his proclivities game to light in the worst possible light, earning him a place on this list. His girlfriend called 911, claiming he was choking her. When the police arrived, he said it was a backrub — say what? The charges vanished because neither were willing to give any details, but the police records came to light a year later, and it was discovered that he had a five year affair with the woman. Not only that, but she later filed a lawsuit against him for years of physical abuse — which he prevented by paying her $500,000 in hush money — half up front, and half is she didn’t say a thing, payed after the next election. How classy is that?

9. Roy Ashburn

There’s an old joke: how many gay Republicans can you fit in the close? All of them. Ashburn was a staunchly anti-gay state senator in California — one who voted time and again against gay rights. In 2005, he held a “traditional marriage” rally, he voted against recognising out of state gay marriages, and against a day honoring Harvey Milk. In fact, he voted against every gay rights issue that crossed his desk — until he was caught drunk driving while leaving a gay bar, with an “unidentified male” in tow. After that he came out as gay, but argued that his votes were to “represent his constituency” and not done through self-loathing.

8. Brock Adams

Brock Adams was a Democrat Congressman from Washington, and in 1992 he chose not to run again. Why? Because eight women — eight! — filed charges against him for acts ranging from sexual harassment to outright rape. Admittedly, this is some time ago, but it’s not often that you see a political sex scandal that’s not just about drugs and hookers, but something as vile as rape. The allegations stated that for two decades he plied his female employees with drugs and alcohol before assaulting them. As one put it “I have no doubt he drugged me. I have no doubt he raped me.” Adams disappeared from the political scene soon after. He was never officially charged, but the circumstances were plenty suspicious.

7. Eric Massa

Oh man, Eric Massa. Democrat representative for New York who proved that no matter how deep your hole is, you can always dig yourself deeper. Much, much deeper. See Massa had a bunch of allegations of sexual assault from male staffers brought against him, which he blew off as just being horsing around that he learned in the Navy. That’s right, when you don’t want to seem gay, cite the most stereotypically gay part of the armed services. Smooth. He claimed it wasn’t groping, it was a tickle fight during his 50th birthday. How is that in any way better or less creepy? Then information came to light that while in the Navy he had made plenty of passes at other seamen, including his trademark “Massa massages”, and snorkeling (where you put someone’s balls on your eyes and penis in your mouth). That’s…really weird.

6. Ted Haggard

Haggard isn’t technically a politician, but as the leader of a millions strong church group, he weilded his evangelical clout politically a number of times, and preached extensively against gay people and gay marriage, putting pressure on politicians to vote against gay rights issues. Then a male prostitute came forward, claiming a three year relationship with Haggard involving copious amounts of crystal meth. Haggard originally denied everything, then claimed he bought meth, but didn’t use it, then admitted everything but that he wasn’t gay. Now, after disappearing, reappearing, writing a book, going into sex rehab (lolwut?), he’s now admitted he’s bisexual.

5. Bob Allen

Bob Allen (R-Florida)…man…Bob Allen. How to do something really bad, and make it much, much worse. Allen was arrested for offering to pay $20 to suck off an undercover police officer in a park restroom. Allen’s excuse? He went in there because he was scared of the black officer, and thought he was going to get killed — so he offered money and a blowjob in fear for his life. Uh huh. Racism and casual anonymous gay bathroom sex in a Republican representative? Oh, that’s going to over really well with the media. He’s also another staunchly anti-gay rights Republican eventually caught in a gay sex scandal.

4. Glenn Murphy Jr

Glenn Murphy Jr was an Hoosier and the newly elected head of the Young Republican National Federation. Sex scandal, and Young Republicans? Oh, you just know this is going to end badly. What did he do? Him and a YR crashed for the night in bunk beds as they were too drunk to get home. The victim woke up to find Murphy sucking on his cock. Sex with an asleep non-consenting person? You know what we call that? Rape. Yup, that’s a rape. Asleep means no consent, so Glenn Murphy raped a Young Republican. Not only that, but in 1998 he was charged for sexual battery doing exactly the same thing. Obviously he didn’t learn. Or else he just really liked young, sleeping, Republican dick.

3. Newt Gingrich

Newt Gingrich has managed to maintain a pretty high position in the Republican party despite doing some pretty despicable things to his wives over the years. He’s been married three times, and cheated on at least two of them. He left his first wife for his mistress while she was in hospital after cancer surgery, allegedly showing up at her recovery bed to serve her papers. After he married his second wife/first mistress, he went on to attempt to impeach Clinton over his affair, and was having an affair of his own. That’s right, he had a second mistress, a staffer 23 years younger than him, who he went on to marry. She’s now the center of some scandal around his 2012 presidential run — she’s apparently a flaming bitch, and the reason much of his campaign staff quit. He also allegedly bought her millions in Tiffany jewelry over the years, much of it on credit. So, any bets as to how long before he finds another bit on the side?

2. Jim McGreevey

McGreevey was the Democrat Governor of New Jersey, who resigned amidst a gay sex scandal. Man, there are a lot of those on this list. So, what made McGreevey so high up this list? Well, he gets points for corruption and points for ballsiness. On the corruption matter, he appointed his gay lover to New Jersey homeland security adviser, a pretty big (and well paying) position. As for the chutzpah, he’s also the first Governer to come out as gay, which is pretty cool. Even more ballsy is the fact that him, his wife and his gay lover had a string of threeways over the years. That’s right, he got his wife in on the action — and she claims that she had no idea he’s gay. If you’re married with kids and both you and your wife are fucking a guy, I’d say you’re bi, but who am I to judge?

1. Philip Giordano

After all that, we must have saved something pretty fucked up for the #1 spot, huh? Giordano was the Republican mayor of Waterbury, Conn. He was a former state rep and Marine. In 2001, he was found to have sexually abused a pair of 8- and 10-year old girls, the daughter and niece of a prostitute he frequented. He was sentenced to 37 years in prison. Apparently, he forced them perform oral sex on him in City Hall, his law office, home, and elsewhere, and paid the crack-addicted prostitute $40-$60 each time. I don’t think anyone can argue that he’s easily the worst human being on this list.

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