15 VILFs (Vampires I’d Like to F***)
Vampires are everywhere these days. They’re in the movies, they’re all over TV, they’re in our cereal and they’re teaching us to count. Fortunately, however, not all of the living dead look like Max Schreck’s Nosferatu in this enlightened age. In fact, some of these monsters are downright gorgeous. From 15 to 1, here are the hottest VILFs on our screens today!
15. Jessica Hamby in True Blood (Deborah Ann Woll)
As the darling young bloodsucker of Bon Temps, Jessica is a vampire who is embarrassed by her fangs and has the alarming issue of a re-growing hymen (having failed to break it before her death). Ouch. Nevertheless, Jessica is by no means quite the innocent that she seems and has had her hands in her fair share of nastiness. Including this blog: babyvamp-jessica.com/.
14. Saya in Blood: The Last Vampire (Gianna Jun)
Saya is a 400-year-old half vamp-half human, bloodsucker-slaying school girl. Armed with superhuman strength and a samurai sword, she works as part of a government agency to destroy demons in modern day Japan. Naturally this means that her assignment during her first live action, big screen outing was to infiltrate a US military base high school. Essentially it’s Buffy meets Blade, with all the best bits kept intact.
13. Rosalie Hale in Twilight (Nikki Reed)
An adopted Cullen, Rosalie sits on the darker side of the family. After being beaten and gang raped by her husband and his chums she was left for dead, before being turned into a creature of the night. She then murdered her assailants and moved in with the family Cullen before making eyes at Edward until Bella hit town. She’s what we call a moody vampire.
12. Blood bank coffee shop waitress in Daybreakers (Renai Caruso)
Vampires in coffee shops? And it’s not True Blood? What’s going on? In the dark future of Daybreakers the majority of the planet’s population have been turned into vampires, while the few humans who remain are farmed for blood. Which is served with coffee by this delightful lady. And who wouldn’t want a vampire waitress! (Anyone with a pulse, of course!)
11. Sophie-Anne Leclerq in True Blood (Evan Rachel Wood)
With the appearance and personality of a 1940s film starlet, the vampire queen of Louisiana really is a vamp. The bisexual lady vampire also keeps a court of human vassals on which to feed – strictly for the purposes of testing the waters of premium cable, we’re sure. She’s also the only vampire we’ve seen on a poolside, of late.
10. Isobel Flemming in The Vampire Diaries (Mia Kirshner)
Age doesn’t mean nothing to the undying. Isobel, as it eventually turns out, is the mother of the Vampire Diaries’ main character Elena and is the wife of history teacher (and vampire) Alaric, but also has a convoluted relationship with the brothers Salvatore. Needless to say, she ain’t no Esme Cullen. Incidentally, Kirshner is going to playing Lillith, the mother of all vampires, in the forthcoming 30 Days of Night sequel Dark Days. We’re sure it’ll be horrible.
9. Vampire Willow in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Alyson Hannigan)
Whoa, there, we’re not talking about evil Willow – we’re talking about the alternate universe evil vampire Willow who was briefly wished into existence by a vengeance demon. While everyone liked Willow, and everyone liked the Wiccan Witch Willow even more, it took a dose of horrible evil for Miss Rosenburg to find a place in our hearts. It was probably something to do with that corset, as well. And there was, of course, the thing with the flute.
8. Esme Cullen in Twilight (Elizabeth Reaser)
Everyone’s favorite vegetarian vampire mom, Esme is one pouting vamp who isn’t putting out. After an unhappy first marriage, Esme met Dr Carlisle (papa) Cullen on her deathbed (not for the first time, mind) and was thereby transformed into a first generation Twi-harder. A century later Bella Swann came along and stole her thunder and she was exceedingly gracious about it.
6. and 7. Darla and Drusilla in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel (Julie Benz and Juliet Landau)
The ups and downs of Darla, eh? Killed in the first season of Buffy, Angel’s sire was later resurrected as a human, before becoming a vampire, getting pregnant and then killing herself to save the soul of her unborn child. It’s all in a night’s work, eh? There were also several centuries of evil thrown into the mix, during which time she worked with the Master (the fella with the nasty face) and Angel (the fella with the nasty hair) – who was arguably her child as well as her lover. I think I hear HBO calling…
Or maybe it’s just Drusilla, Darla’s vampire great-granddaughter. Introduced early on in Buffy, Drusilla, who was Angel’s offspring and Spike’s sire, was a kooky but persistent mainstay of the two series, waist deep in the vampire-with-a-soul backstory.
5. Anna in The Vampire Diaries (Malese Jow)
While there may be good high school vampires, there are also bad teenage vampires and Anna is just such a case. As a resident of Mystic Falls, Virginia, Anna goes about murdering the townsfolk, turning them into vampires and trying to resurrect the ancient monsters hidden in the local tomb – including her mother Pearl. Bless.
4. Lucy in Supernatural (Mercedes McNab)
Lucy didn’t have much luck – after being slipped vampire blood in a nightclub she joined the ranks of the undead, without even really realizing that she had done so. Shortly afterward she got decapitated by the Supernatural brothers. Lucy was notable, however, for being played by Mercedes McNab, who also played Harmony in Buffy – a distinctly similar murderous, blonde airhead of a vampire. In conclusion, she was terrible at being a vamp but looked great while she was. And when she’s wiped off her bumpy forehead and spat out her mouthful of gore, Mercedes is quite a looker!
3. Danica Talos in Blade: Trinity (Parker Posey)
While Trinity might have been a horrible way to round off the Blade series, it did feature the delightful, if absurd, Danica Talos, a two-tone monster set on some foxy evilness. Resurrecting Dracula (in a ziggurat in Iraq), framing Blade for murder and making fun of Ryan Reynolds, Danica was a cartoon villain with style.
2. Selene in Underworld (Kate Beckinsdale)
In the Underworld movies Kate Beckinsdale got to play a pasty ninja assassin set on murdering werewolves with machine guns, all the while wearing rubber pants. It might not be The Matrix, but it sure is the next best thing. She got replaced by Rhona Mitra for the extraneous prequel, Underworld: Rise of the Lycans. Was this an improvement? We think not. Sorry Rhona – chainmail just doesn’t beat rubber.
1. Victoria Sutherland in Twilight (Rachelle Lefevre)
Unlike Esme, Victoria is an unholy badass who spends the duration of her time in the Twilight series attempting to kill Bella Swan. Encore we say. Unfortunately for Rachelle Lefevre, she’s been shipped out for Bryce Dallas Howard to take on her role in Eclipse, during which time Victoria gets really nasty. That’s murderous nasty, not sexy nasty, though.
Written by Julian on July 19th, 2010 | Tagged as: Popular Culture