Popular Culture

15 (Thankfully) Imaginary Celebrity Fragrances



Celebrities love to sell themselves.  No matter what they’re famous for (even if it’s just famous for being famous), eventually they want to diversify to gain more of their favorite things: money and attention.  An obvious move is to come out with a perfume or fragrance, such as Britney Spears’ Curious or J.Lo’s Glow.  However, not every celebrity should attempt this. Here are some examples.

Michael Vick – Dog Blood



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Michael Vick was an underrated athletic freak of a Quarterback until 2007, when he plead guilty to running a horrific and tortuous dog-fighting ring out of his house called “Bad Newz Kennels.”  But what if he were to come out with a fragrance called Dog Blood?  Using the remains of the Pitbulls he sacrificed for his own twisted, devious entertainment, Mike Vick could create a fragrance from their bodies.  Or even if he didn’t, he could market the fragrance as such.  “Dog Blood; it’ll make you into a real man.”  PETA would go absolutely nuts.

Lindsay Lohan – Loose Lips



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Lindsay Lohan is not known for keeping her clothes on.  In fact, she’s not known for doing anything respectful at all besides Parent Trap, but her gross antics have overshadowed it so much, people hardly even remember that she was ever not a total mess.  Photos of her breasts, and eventually vagina have hit the web because of her refusal to wear proper clothing or keep her liquor intake under control. When pictures of her mangled labia ended up online, things got taken to a previously unseen level of grossness.  Lindsay, why not capitalize on the fame of your vagina?  Lindsay Lohan: Loose Lips.  No more will women be ridiculed for publicly revealing their mangled vaginas. Now there will be a fragrance that says, “Be yourself.  Panties are unnecessary.” â€¨ 

Nas – BMD



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Nas is known as one of rap’s nastiest rappers when it comes to lyrical content, but all hoes aside, he’s also had his fair share of spousal issues.  He called out Jay-Z on 2001’s Ether, but quickly realized he bit off more than he could chew when Jay-Z’s song Super Ugly revealed that Jay had slept with Nas’ baby mama Carmen Bryan — even in Nas’ own car (Jay-Z said “I even left condoms on your baby seat”)!  Ms. Bryan later confirmed this, and revealed she’d also slept with basketball superstar Allen Iverson during this time. 

Nas thought he’d recovered from this kind of problem, marrying singer Kelis and expecting a life of normalcy.  Guess again.  In 2009, he got divorced from Kelis, which prompted requests by the singer for all sorts of alimony and child support payments.  Nas has been through some serious baby mama drama.  If you want to avoid getting into that situation (or if you end up in it, at least you’ll smell something awesome), you need to purchase his new imaginary fragrance: BMD.

Kobe Bryant



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He’s won five NBA championships (“one more than Shaq”).  He’s the deadliest shooting guard since Michael Jordan,  but Kobe Bryant is also famous for being accused of rape by a 19-year-old named Katelyn Faber in 2003.  Kobe was acquitted of rape, but admitted to having had sex with Faber.  His wife was pissed.  To make it up to her, Kobe bought her a ring worth $4 million dollars and got a tattoo representing her as his queen on his arm.  Don’t stop there, Kobe.  Release a fragrance for men who end up in similar situations —  not every man is as fortunate as you, but many could use a little spray of the magic that got you off the hook with your wife. For those who can’t buy million dollar rings, they should at least come home smelling nice. Kobe might present us with Apology, the fragrance that earns forgiveness for adultery (and possibly rape. No guarantees. Individual experiences may vary). 

Joran Van Der Sloot – Manipulation



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You know how in every other movie there’s that creepy rich guy who loves nothing more than murdering attractive young women?  Meet Joran Van Der Sloot, our real-life version of this guy…  Except he makes all those characters look like Screech from Saved by the Bell.  Van Der Sloot was born to rich Dutch parents, who eventually moved him to Aruba to give him even more things he didn’t deserve.  But it wasn’t until 2003 that he fulfilled the promise made in the first sentence of this paragraph by murdering a young beauty named Natalee Holloway. Because the cops didn’t have the goods on him, he got off scott-free (for the time being).  This resulted in his extorting her family for money by promising to reveal where Ms. Holloway’s body was in a move of ultimate sleaziness, and then provided them with a fake location after they had paid him over $100,000.  Finally, in 2010, Van Der Sloot was arrested for the murder of Stephany Tatiana Flores Ramírez, a 21-year-old who was found dead in his hotel room — the end of a trip he had funded with his bribe money. On June 7th he confessed, but later claimed that the confession was forced out of him by police — a likely story.  Seeing as he’s such a glutton for terrible opportunity, his scent Manipulation should be in stores never. 

Robert Downey Jr. – White Powder



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These days, Robert Downey Jr. is probably known best for being Iron Man,  but there was a time where blowing rails of cocaine up his nose was his pastime.  Downey Jr. claimed he’d been addicted to drugs (plural, he’ll take what he can get) since he was 8 years old.  His daddy was a player too, Ken Griffey style. Downey finally got clean in 2004, and has gone on to an even more successful acting career than he had before and during his drug problems.  But what if he were tempted…to release White Powder, a little something for men who can no longer indulge, but still like the smell?   â€¨ 

Tony Hayward – Ultimate Irony



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Tony Hayward is the CEO of BP and generally a spoiled brat who has no connection to other human beings because it’s been so long since dollar signs have replaced anything resembling decency in his life.  When the catastrophic oil spill caused by his company’s insatiable hunger for more money and oil destroyed the ocean, he pretended it was no big deal. Ten days after May 17th, Hayward changed his mind and called it an “environmental catastrophe.”  This was something everyone already knew.  His best quote, and what’s led him to put out the fragrance Ultimate Irony is as follows: “There’s no one who wants this thing over more than I do — I’d like my life back.” It’s not like people died in the explosion or anything, or he’s stopped spending on lavish trips to various countries for rounds of golf and yacht races.

Amy Winehouse – Stench



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Winehouse has got some serious talent.  Her sophomore release, Back to Black, was incredible, as well as being one of the most honest titles ever (she was just ripping off black singers of the past).  But with a last name like Winehouse, you knew from jump street there would be some problems.  She’s an avid fan of crack, heroin, ecstasy, food deprivation, and alcohol among others.  She’s only 27-years-old yet shows signs of early emphysema.  Her problems also extend to the law: she’s been arrested several times for drugs and assault, although never had to spend any serious time locked up. These days, Winehouse is appearing so haggard and ravaged by drugs that just looking at her reminds one of a Stench. Amy, please don’t.

Cristiano Ronaldo – Unnecessary



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Soccer — whoops — what’s it actually called?  Soccer always has an “it-guy.”  In the past it’s been the David Beckham, and today it is Portugal’s Cristiano Ronaldo.  He’s not only the best looking, but also the most talented.  What’s more interesting is his openness about visiting prostitutes, something that is common knowledge and apparently normal for a European man to do.  In the case of Ronaldo, it’s a bit ridiculous.  Picture this: you’re the most famous soccer player in the world and you’re so insanely handsome people can’t even recall who that Bend-it-Like-Whatever guy is.  Do you need to pay for sex?  He’s releasing a fragrance for men of his stature called Unnecessary in 20never.

Tiger Woods – G-r-r-r-eat!



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Get ’em Tiger! How awful is it to be actually addicted to sex and need to have it all the time with a variety of women, all over the world?!  Terrible.  

As a culture, we need Tiger to embrace who he is and just recognize it’s not so weird or awful that he wants to have sex with lots of people he finds attractive.  It’s called ‘being a human being’.  That’s why you should keep your eyes out for his new scent he’ll never have the courage to release: Sex is Gr-r-r-r-r-eat! 

Lady GaGa – Redundancy



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Lady Gaga gives herself a lot of self importance.  And for what?  Biting off Madonna and 90’s KTU radio?  She’s a hot mess — she can’t even behave herself at a public baseball game. This is the new celebrity.  The saddest part is what she clearly prides herself on is being ground-breaking;  GaGa tries so hard to sound and look like something original and interesting.  In reality, she smells like Redundancy. 

Lebron James – Leave Her Alone



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Everyone knows the King runs this universe and every insignificant thing in it, but all was threatened by rumors that have persisted in 2010 that teammate Delonte West is sleeping with his mother, Gloria James.  There is nothing more emasculating than your 40-something year old mom sleeping with someone a year older than you, and who you play basketball with.  Hall-of-Famer Calvin Murphy had this to say: “everybody knew except Lebron and me.” Not anymore!  Lebron’s fragrance clearly will take preventative measures against this ever happening again: Leave Her Alone. It doesn’t smell all that great, but it gets the job done. Packaged in a pretty pink box and bottle with no warning labels so that it can be safely bought as a birthday present without fear of the money going to waste.

Delonte West – Desperado



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Speaking of Delonte West, how’s that guy doing?  To him, the whole Lebron’s mama thing wasn’t even that big a deal, because this guy’s too busy trying to emulate Antonio Banderas.  Delonte West has a lot of issues, and chief among them isn’t that he slept with King James’ mother.  In 2009 West was pulled over by police while riding a motorcycle.  On his back he was carrying a guitar case, which had a 9mm pistol, Remington 870 and a .357 Magnum inside of it.  Watch out for his new cologne, Desperado, which will not be in stores soon.  Actually, don’t just watch out.  Duck and cover. 

Kanye West – Desperation



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Whether it’s reflecting on why he was called a gay fish, ruining a little girl’s acceptance speech, or parading around with a half naked androgynous bald-headed femme-bot, Kanye is going to do whatever is necessary to make sure his name rings bells.  His desperation for attention is especially strange considering how sensitive he is, and how much any negative attention affects him.  As his musical career has progressed, in many songs it sounds like he’s been cut open and is bleeding out his internal organs and ego (as was portrayed in an internet-popular short film by Spike Jonze entitled “We Were Once A Fairy Tale”).  Of all the imaginary fragrances, this one feels the realest.  Hold your breath for Kanye West’s Desperation.

Alex Rodriguez – Kiss Your Own Face

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Arguably the best slugger in the game, A-Rod is unquestionably a Q rating queen.  He’s an admitted steroids user, a notorious choke artist, and loves nothing more than promoting himself (except for kissing himself in mirrors). A-Rod dates women like Madonna because he thinks it will cover up his lust for himself.  Unfortunately, neither Madonna nor Kate Hudson can disguise A-Rod’s desires for his own body.  Now that he’s won a World Series ring, however, perhaps A-Rod will be feeling more comfortable with his feelings for Alex Rodriguez.  He won’t need it to be a secret any long and can come out with an intoxicating fragrance called Kiss Your Own Face.  People clad in Ed Hardy, rejoice.


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