15 Stars Swimming Laps in the Celeb Death Pool

James Dean, Kurt Cobain, Heath Ledger. Celebrities are often well-known for their short, drug-addled lives on the edge. They live fast and die young. They’re too fast to live and too young to die. They are…well actually there aren’t any cliches left. Long story short, they are filthy rich people who live in a world full of drugs, largely devoid of consequences. Like infants set loose on a floor of broken glass, anti-freeze and exposed outlets, they often live on the edge of death by stupidity and substance abuse. Be it drugs, alcohol, excessive plastic surgery or other such heinously unnatural things as old age, some have been scooting closer than others.  

Angelina Jolie

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Most Likely Method of Death:
The most recent poster child of celebrity activism, Angelina Jolie seems like a strange choice for imminent death (outside of exotic diseases contracted while adopting children abroad). But her brief bent with veganism allegedly put her near death. Turns out the human body needs such hilarious things as “fat” and “protein” and “a fucking steak once in a while.” But going off her previous puritanical stints of righteous behavior, there’s a high probability Angelina will relapse and leave her body with barely enough protein to support her impossibly bee-stung lips.  

Alternate Method of Death
The kind of androgynous Greek gods of beauty will reclaim Angelina for her otherworldly looks and oddly masculine jawline.

Snooki

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Most Likely Method of Death:
Statistics indicate that the most likely causes of getting punched in the face are drinking in a Jersey shore bar and being Snooki. So aside from skin cancer, fake tan poisoning, a myriad of STDs, cirrhosis, and her goblinoid features collapsing in upon her skull, Snooki seems a half inch away from an ugly beating-to-the-death.

Alternate Method of Death
Judging by Snooki’s haggard features, the smart money is on death by incineration after a duo of adolescents shove her into the oven of her gingerbread house.

Peter O’Toole

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Most Likely Method of Death:
Let’s be clear: we all wish that Peter O’Toole could live forever. But because O’Toole is such an Irish bastard, he drank so hard he had to get part of his stomach removed at age 44, and now he is more overdue for death than a Best Actor Oscar (and he’s really overdue for that). Add to this the fact that he’s entered the final, depressing “Orson Welles” phase of a respected actor’s life and has started taking terrible work simply for the paycheck, we all know his days are numbered.

Alternate Method of Death
Delirious from a mix of dementia and Jameson, he sets out to conquer the Middle East in the name of the British Empire. After successfully completing this task (of course) he dies in a freak motorcycle accident.  

Donatella Versace

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Most Likely Method of Death:
The heir to the Versace clothing line fortune, Donatalla Versace is the picture of a social debutante. She is rich, Italian, refined, and horribly twisted by her own vanity in the most ironic way possible. Experts warn that one more facelift could cause her skin to split down the bridge of her nose and flee from her face out of sheer embarrassment. With nothing to hold them up, her lips would fall from her mouth, crushing her torso.

Alternate Method of Death
Her impossibly wide cheekbones, almond-shaped eyes and thin, stretched mouth leads a tiger to mistake her as feline. Versace is then killed in an unfortunate mishap during mating.

Speidi

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Most Likely Method of Death:
Quite possibly the most hated (former) couple in America, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are so revolting that no one would even pretend to be sad if something happened to them. You know, say if they were to get into a car together at 11:30am on Saturday the 23rd and just happened to be incinerated by a fireball sparked by a bomb constructed with a mix of gasoline and liquid oxygen. You know, just sayin’.

Alternate Method of Death
Let’s all be honest for a second: Speidi exists because they aren’t in on the joke everyone else is–we like to hate them. They make us feel better about ourselves. We want just enough harm to come to them that we can feel a little schadenfreude, without it being so bad that we have to pretend like we feel sorry in front of our moms and girlfriends. Then again, Spencer Pratt made over $60,000 per episode while on the Hills. In this economic climate, sooner or later someone is going quarter him and make jerky to save on grocery money. Then they’ll grind up Heidi and use whatever comes out to degrease their engine.

Lindsay Lohan

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Most Likely Method of Death:
While we’re on the topic of Speidi and shooting fish in barrels, there’s always Lindsay Lohan. While every once in a while someone might say something innocent like “That Spencer Pratt needs a hole in the head (put there by a high-caliber sniper rifle — come on people there’s a perfect vantage point right across from the garage)”, Lindsay Lohan is legitimately at risk of drugging herself into a permanent coma. Because threats, probation, house arrest, rehab and jail have failed, she now wears a bracelet that signals the court whenever her blood alcohol spikes. Unfortunately, it doesn’t detect the many, many other drugs Lohan is close to overdosing on. Sadly for boob lovers everywhere, she’s probably a goner.

Alternate Method of Death
The secret gay agenda and straight men everywhere team up to have her assassinated for somehow making hot lesbians seem icky.

Betty White

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Most Likely Method of Death:
Though she’s still kicking with the best of them, there’s no escaping the fact that Betty White is pushing 158 years old (approximately). There’s also the fact that the Grim Reaper has claimed all three of her Golden Girl cast mates in the past two years. For someone who was born equidistant from the Spanish American War and World War II and whose chosen profession was at that time seriously called “talkies”, her time is fast approaching.

Alternate Method of Death
There is a good possibility that Betty White cannot die. We kinda hope this is the case.

Bret Michaels

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Most Likely Method of Death:
Most famously remembered as “that guy, you know the one who did that song with the other guy in the top hat?” Bret Michaels has been in frail health recently after having to undergo an emergency appendectomy. Oh wait, he also had a small hemorrhage near his brain. Well, that combined with the rocker lifestyle most certainly means — wait you say he suffered from a mini-stroke as well? How is he not on death’s doorstep?  And he also has a tiny hole in his heart? How is this motherfucker still alive?!?

Alternate Method of Death
Having come to the most logical conclusion when looking at all the reasons Bret Michaels should be dead (i.e. that he is now a zombie), devoted fans were forced to do the only humane thing and take a SPAS-12 to his brain.

Tila Tequila

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Most Likely Method of Death:
While existing as a life support system for a pair of fake tits could only tenuously be called “living”, tottering unlife, on the other hand, is pretty much the definition of Tila Tequila’s career. From her failed music career to her Oscar-worthy turn as “Hooters Girl” in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, there is a lingering stench of death about everything Tila Tequila does.  

Alternate Method of Death
Fellow MySpace whore and “Famous for my tits” personality Jenn Sterger starts the sexiest catfight of the century which ends when their tits tear a hole in space-time continuum.  

Charlie Sheen

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Most Likely Method of Death:
It doesn’t get more consistently celebrity bad boy than Charlie Sheen. His record with women is deliriously fucked up and almost reads like a caricature of a member of the Rat Pack. It’s so utterly fictional sounding, they didn’t even have to write anything original for his character in Two and a Half Men. You can’t even get past his second major relationship without the phrase “accidentally shot her” coming up. It’s only a matter of time before one of his many ex-girlfriends, or the prostitutes he had sex with while dating his ex-girlfriends, seeks bloody revenge.

Alternate Method of Death
If it’s not women, it will be the cocaine; if it’s not the cocaine it will be the imploding arrogance; if it’s not some or all of the above, Charlie Sheen will undoubtedly think of some way to bend the laws of physics and depravity.

Amy Winehouse

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Most Likely Method of Death:
In 2007, few people in America knew about Amy Winehouse. But as soon as she started down a spiraling path of self-destruction we were all on board. A talented singer on the brink of a sudden and tragic death? Check. Does this singer borrow heavily from American traditions of music? Check. Is there an easily pinpointed irony that everyone can feel superior by pointing out? Check. Cue thousands of news outlets parroting “She said she wouldn’t go to rehab, but she did”. Much like Charlie Sheen, Amy Winehouse’s record is a blur of domestic violence and drug convictions. All it would take would be a particularly violent version of one of Winehouses many, many brawls to shuffle her off her the mortal coil.

Alternate Method of Death
BEEEEEEEEES!!!

Rodney King

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Most Likely Method of Death:
After taking a breaking from laying bare simmering racial issues and igniting the LA riots, Rodney King has become something of a celebrity lately after he was arrested several more times, was on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew and started dating a juror from his own trial. In case you haven’t guessed, King is someone who is on this list because he has a history of tempting fate and giving God the finger, and there are few shorter life sentences in this world than giving California cops a reason to hate you.

Alternate Method of Death
Rodney King has endured just about everything related to the spectrum of crime, from police beatings to getting shot in the face by people trying to steal his bike. But now that he is a celebrity with a cripplingly addictive personality it’s only a matter of time before he takes the classy “speedball in a hotel room” route.

Mel Gibson

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Most Likely Method of Death:
There are plenty of reasons for Mel Gibson to turn up dead tomorrow. Perhaps his anti-semitism, racism or blatant misogyny will one day get the best of him. Maybe one day his greatest enemy — his mouth — will go off at the wrong time in the wrong neighborhood and he’ll simply disappear. But barring rampaging groups of murderous Jews, statistically Gibson’s heavy drinking will do him in pretty quickly.

Alternate Method of Death
Mel Gibson seems to be that specific type of asshole who has a beef with God himself. Most cops would put a rambling, Anti-Semitic drunk in the tank and think nothing of it, most girlfriends would simply leave their lover instead of secretly recording him, and most movie productions don’t end up with the main character — who is playing the son of God — getting struck by lightning. Odds are Mel will end up with leprosy, boils, or traumatic brain injury from raining amphibians long before his drinking claims him.

Hugh Hefner

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Most Likely Method of Death:
Hugh Hefner has been an American sex symbol for the better part of the 20th century. Though unsurprisingly that means that, for normal people, Hugh is at the age where most people would be banging someone like Betty White. Fortunately for him, Viagra was invented and he is banging spry twenty-somethings. Unfortunately for him, sex is a relatively stressful activity that involves a whole mess of complex biochemicals. What this boils down to is that Hugh Hefner is in the enviable position of most likely dying while plowing a bombshell blonde.

Alternate Method of Death
As much as men everywhere would like to dream about dying at age 80 while banging perhaps one of the hottest women on the planet, it’s almost as likely Hef will have an aneurysm once he realizes that Internet porn has made his entire business model about as shriveled and outdated as his…uh “business model.”

Kanye West

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Most Likely Method of Death:
Amid swirling rumors that he was on suicide watch, combined with a well-documented series of aimlessly fame-seeking behaviors, Kanye is likely his own worst enemy. On the list of reasons someone might commit suicide, “To Prove I’m Hardcore” seems like a reasonable scenario for both 16-year-old goths and Kanye West.

Alternate Method of Death
A long nascent brain-tumor finally metastasizes, simultaneously killing Kanye West and causing the rest of America to collectively sigh “Ooooohhhhh it all makes sense now.”

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