Marketers know that consumers buy what they see their favorite celebrities selling. This trend has historically led those in the spotlight to attempt release their own products, intended to grab their fans’ attention (and wallets.) Sadly, some celebrities just can’t seem to get it right, trotting out worthless junk that no one wants. Many of these products leave us scratching our heads trying to figure out just what these celebs were thinking. Below are 15 of the most shameless celebrity brands and products ever to hit the market.x`

Steven Segall’s Lightning Bolt Energy Drink

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Featuring a stern looking Segall on the can, “Lightning Bolt” touts itself as an all natural, sugarless, herbal energy drink. Designed to make you feel like drinking it will turn you into an unstoppable action hero, the drink claims, “Each component was carefully chosen by Steven Seagal to incorporate the greatest treasures of Asian medicine.” The products website pretentiously describes the drink as, “both mysterious and powerful, it’s a symbol of the untold energy the earth has to offer.” Might it simply be the product of a has-been with no movies to make and no martial arts classes to teach? The answer is for you to figure out.

Jeff Foxworthy Beef Jerky

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Jeff Foxworthy may be the most famous redneck a live, but that does not mean he knows how to prepare proper jerky? The jerky is actually quite sub-par, as far as dried strips of meat go. And it’s unfortunate that the blue collar comic decided to slap his name on such a lackluster product, after all, how can we trust a man to talk to us about fishing, the outdoors and women when he can’t even tell the difference between good, quality jerky and beggin’ strips?

Hulk Hogan’s Pastamania

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Has Hulk no shame? Located in the Mall of America, Hulk Hogan’s “Pastamania” restaurant appears to be Hulk’s response to the trend of restaurants owned by sports stars. Forgive us for inquiring, but are we supposed to believe that aside from being an aggressive, testosterone driven, muscle bound wrestler, Hulk is also an expert pasta chef? Serving up such dishes as “Hulk-U’s” and “Hulk-A-Roos,” the restaurant opened in 1995, and closed less than one year later, despite lots of hype on WCW Nitro.

50 Cent’s Bulletproof

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50 Cent’s game exists in order to inflate the rapper’s ego and to beef up his own “hardcore gangster” image in the public’s eye. The video game was reportedly developed when 50 Cent was asked to voice a character in the latest Grand Theft Auto video game. In typical narcissistic fashion, 50 Cent turned the offer down, stating that he refused to voice any video character other than himself. And with that, Bulletproof went into production, and the net result was: an ego-driven, over-bloated and ultra-violent video game that focuses on 50 Cent’s fictional, blood-soaked quest for vengeance against the men who once shot him.

Dexter Holland’s Gringo Bandito Hot Sauce

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Dexter Holland is now selling his own brand of Hot Sauce. Entitled, “Gringo Bandito,” the Offspring frontman personally guarantees that the sauce is, “like a party in your mouth” and that it’s specially made to be, “easy on the pooper.” The website even features several unconvincing testimonials from other punk bands. Warren Fitzgerald of The Vandals quotes, “It spices up a government cheese sandwich.” A Wilhelm Scream claims, “It’s like the meth trailers in Riverside started cooking up hot sauce. Highly addictive.” Call us crazy, but we’re not convinced.

Shaquille O’Neal’s Shaq-Fu Video Game

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A respectable basketball game featuring a sports legend? No. Shaq-Fu was karate-syle fighting game for the Sega Genesis featuring Shaquille O’Neal duking it out against weapon-toting Kung Fu thugs. The game is set in Tokyo, where Shaq is out taking in the sights before his “big charity game.” Then, he stumbles across a small Kung Fu dojo. Inside, an old Kung-Fu master reveals to Shaq that he is a chosen warrior and must save a young boy. From then on, gameplay includes pointlessly battling it out against various Kung Fu fighters, crying out threats like “I’m gonna rock your chair, grandpa!” The game came off the same way Shaq’s rapping career  (and acting, Steel) did: confusing and senseless. The game is widely held as one of the worst games for any system ever created and we are all less intelligent for having just discussed it.

Jessica Simposon’s HairDo

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Hairdo is a product from singer and actress Jessica Simpson that offers a way to get her exact hair style. But it appears as it Ms. Simpson doesn’t realize that everyone has their own individual style. This product is actually little more than cookie-cutter, clip-in hair pieces that are supposed to make you look like you suddenly have Jessica’s hairstyle. The problem is, is that it looks like shit. The video below gives some before and after comparisons that unintentionally demonstrate why cheap extensions are no replacement for thousand-dollar designer hair styles that celebrities like Simpson can afford.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnoHV-f4SSY&hl=en&fs=1]

Avril Lavigne Black Star Perfume

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Not often is the marketplace graced with the pleasure of being sold a fragrence by somoene that looks like they inherently smell like a chode. But, in this case, they were. Black Star”is the brand new fragrance from pop star Avril Lavigne. And how can a girl who claimed to be a “punk rocker” and “anti-establishment” when she first hit the scene a few short years ago now pandering out a perfume scent. Concerning the design of her fragrance, Avril quotes, “I wanted to make sure it was really me – me in a bottle.” So, you’re telling us the perfume smells like a trend-surfing, made for corporate pop-culture phony? Oh then you should have called it “Shit”.

Carmen Electra’s Aerobic Striptease

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Over the years, the world has seen quite a few exercise programs from in-shape celebrity icons, but none come close to the hilarity and ridiculousness that was Carmen Electra’s Aerobic Striptease Collection. Straightforwardly,  this workout teaches young, ambitious would-be pole dancers how to get in shape by learning how to striptease and lap dance properly. Awesome. Upon further review, I found that the DVDs focus far less on waist-trimming workouts and more on how grow boners. But hell,  if you’re gonna learn to be a stage-working hussie, you might as well learn from the best.

Nelly’s Pimp Juice

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By the looks of the “News” section of his website, nothing new has happened with Nelly’s energy drink in almost a year. With a name that sounds like a bodily excretion, “Pimp Juice” is advertised as “The number one hip-hop energy drink.”  Interestingly, the website’s distribution tool allows to search for places to acquire yoself some Pimp Juice. But, as it turns out, you can’t buy it in New York City, or Los Angeles. Interesting…

Kathie Lee Gifford’s Clothing Line

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Kathy Lee Gifford’s clothing line constitutes a terrible celebrity brand. In 1996, a human rights committee sent to Honduras discovered that sweat shop labor was being used to produce the popular brand. Despite claiming ignorance, Kathy Lee came under media fire. Accusations flared and the nation began to suspect that Kathy Lee could perhaps be responsible for the disaster. After a lengthy investigation, it was determined that Lee was not responsible for the  abuse, but that wasn’t the end of the story. In 2007, Kathy blew the whistle on a second sweatshop manufacturing her brand. The old bat’s honesty is commendable, however her brand has never been the same since.

Jessica Simpson’s “Dessert Treats” Body Frosting

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Jessica Simpson makes her second appearance on the list due to her own line of edible lotion known as “Dessert Treats.” The product supposedly doubles as a moisturizing body lotion and a sexy bed-room treat, that you can spread on your partner like frosting and then eat it off. Reviews of the product claim that the taste and texture is less than appetizing. In fact, many claim the taste is pretty awful and certainly not something you want to be eating off (out?) of another person.

Kenny Rogers Roasters Restaurant Chain

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In 1991, pioneering country musician Kenny Rogers rolled out a chain of fast-food chicken restaurants titled as “Kenny Roger’s Roasters.” The restaurant made the mistake of boldly claiming to have “The world’s best chicken!” Apparently many put that statement to the test and would venture to say otherwise. In 1999 the chain was bought by “Nathans Famous Hot Dogs” and almost all locations were converted. Despite American disinterest in the bogus restaurant, the chain really caught on in the Philippines and continues to flourish there today.

Frozen dinners by Wolfgang Puck

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The world knows Wolfgang Puck as one of the most prolific and innovative chefs ever. Why then, would Mr. Puck think it wise to lend his name  and visage to TV dinner kingpin Schwan and release a series of frozen dinners, which stand in direct opposition of the man’s restaruants?  A far cry from a real meal, these taste no better than the myriad of other choices in your frozen food isle. Chalk this one up to the ever growing list of legends who take a piss on their legacy by endorsing bad products.

Dwight Yoakam’s Macaroni Mouth Poppers

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Former prolific country singer/songwriter and actor Dwight Yoakamis now slaps his name on cheap TV dinners. The selections are slim, offering “Dwight Yoakam’s Bakersfield Biscuits,” “Chicken Licken’s Pizza Fries,” “Lanky Links,” and, perhaps most offensive of all, “Yoakam’s Chicken Rings of Fire.” It’s shameful to watch one country legend fall so far, but it’s downright atrocious that he would bastardize Johnny Cash titles to sell freezer food.