What does one find when delving into the deepest, most horrifying depths of the human psyche? The answer is simple: fanfiction. Countless pages from the annals of WTF are but a few keystrokes away. If you think that all fanfics are written by basement-dwelling anime fans, you are sorely mistaken. Well, maybe not about the basement-dwelling part.
The Golden Girls
Who could forget The Golden Girls? The dry and sardonic Dorothy, Blanche with her petty but hilarious obsession with wealth, and Rose, the mental equivalent of a Weddell Seal. Pair these three geriatric dynamos with the endlessly entertaining Estelle Getty as Sophia, Dorothy’s mother, and you just can’t lose. That is, of course, unless you delve into the horrific and oft-disturbing world of fanfiction. The famous internet meme, rule 34, states that ‘if it exists, there is porn of it.’ Well, just replace the word ‘porn’ with ‘fanfiction’ and there you have it: hell. The show ran for eight seasons, and was only halted when one of its stars, Bea Arthur, wanted to leave the show. You’d think they’d have tied up most of the loose ends, but apparently the fan community wasn’t so sure…
Dorothy (Bea Arthur): “I just realized something tonight,” Dorothy said afterward as they curled up on the sofa, “I’m in love with you. I’ve never felt this way for a woman before and it’s…scary.”
Bea Arthur’s character a lesbian? Whoa, what a stretch. Next they’ll have Tom Cruise playing an asshole.
Home Improvement was a sitcom that ran from 1991 to 1999, and is mainly remembered for not being particularly funny, and for helping to launch Pamela Anderson’s juggernaut of a career. Apparently, fans the world over decided that homes weren’t the only thing that needed improving and set about writing a slew of stories extending upon the series’ narrative frame. Some of them are bad, some of them are not good, others are just painful to read. All in all, there are 136 sterling examples of profound storytelling to be found on http://www.fanfiction.net alone, so there’s no telling how many exist across the entire internet. Frankly, any attempt to find out would be nothing short of an exercise in masochism. More power, AUGH AUGH AUGH!!
Brad Taylor: “At just 10 years old, my little brother had gone blind. And it was all my fault…”
Way to pick up on the tone of the show, buddy.
ALF ran for 102 episodes before studio execs sent the furry little source of facepalm back wherever the hell he came from. ALF, besides having the sort of voice that made one want to introduce an ice pick to the ears, looked like a cross between Chewbacca and some sort of sexual predatory anteater. In short, he was an abomination and had to be stopped. Unfortunately, however, ALF lives on through the vessel of fanfiction, some of which is actually slightly better written than the original series.
“ALF,” William yelled. “Why did you kidnap William Hung!”
The Amanda Show
Long before she was letting us in on tantalizing glimpses of her jiggly bits in Maxim, Amanda Bynes was an awkward beanpole-esque child star on Nickelodeon with a show (cleverly titled, The Amanda Show) that had the artistic worth of dog crap rolled in glitter. Cheap glitter, not the good stuff. The show only ran for three seasons when it was discovered that its effects on audiences were similar to those induced by asbestos inhalation and lawsuits began cropping up faster than the asinine comments on a Joan Brothers YouTube clip. One of the most grating characters on the show was Penelope, played by Bynes, who claimed to be Amanda’s number one fan. Audiences were ‘number one fan’ of her character dying in a house fire.
Penelope: “I’ll bet my laptop her hair is much softer than any fluffy sugary treat. What I wouldn’t do to run my fingers through that silky mane.”
Bynes playing a character who wants a character also played by Bynes makes some sort of strange sense.
MacGyver was the (implausible) man. He could have nothing but a toenail clipping, three rubber bands, and a copy of US Weekly and manage to stop a nuclear warhead from hitting a playground full of small children. MacGyver ran from 1985 until 1992 and captured the imagination of everyone who wanted nothing more than to combine seemingly benign objects into awesome weapons and useful gizmos. It’s not surprising that there are so many examples of MacGyver fanfiction; all you need is: MacGyver is stuck in/at X, he has A, B, and C, and combines them to make BLANK, which allows him to evade peril.
“He loved his old Jeep, and the ladies seemed to enjoy admiring the fine piece of machinery. Or . . . just maybe, Mac realized as he came to a stop sign, it had something to do with the fact that he hadn’t bothered to wear a shirt when he left this morning.”
Too saucy for words.
Alvin and the Chipmunks
Alvin and the Chipmunks is a franchise that has done what few do: died and come back to life. It also has the most amazing voice acting ever…you know, because it’s not like anyone with Garageband can speed their voice up to a gratingly high pitch. There are an absolutely staggering 1,480 items of fanfiction on http://www.fanfiction.net to do with these squeaky sins against all that is holy. A surprisingly large number of these fanfics are to do with romance — surprise!! Perhaps the most sterling example of this tendency is the beautifully-named “Innocence Lost 2: Breaking Boundaries,” which deals with a budding romance between Alvin and Theodore.
Frightened, Theodore tried to run away, but Alvin, being the athlete that he was, tackled his chubby brother and pinned him down with ease. There was hunger in Alvin’s eyes; a wild and savage beast unleashed that needed to be calmed down.
“You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for this!”
The unbridled passion that can only exist between two rodents…who are also brothers.
Fiddler on the Roof
This one is just plain weird. Who in their right mind would write a fanfic of Fiddler on the Roof? Apparently 14 different people would, and not only this, they would see fit to upload their wonderful creations to the net for all/the other 13 to see. Reading these fanfics, it’s amazing how these budding writers are able to expand upon the storyline so naturally, picking up intelligently on the themes of change and personal anguish and treating them with such delicacy that it’s hard to believe they weren’t written as part of the original script. Maybe a revised edition is in order.
Tevye: “Until then, I will struggle to survive in this shaky, new world, my new rooftop. But as much as it changes, I will continue to fiddle the same tune, as difficult as it may be to stand. I will remain a Fiddler on the Roof.”
Profound. Original. Moving.
Good Will Hunting
Apparently an Oscar-winning script (of which Ben Affleck totally wrote half… I mean, come on) isn’t enough for some fans, who have decided they just weren’t happy with the way Good Will Hunting tied up its loose ends. Some decided they needed just one more scene with Will and Skylar. In all fairness, though, the fanfic writers are honest, many among them admitting: “Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me.” Wow, thanks, because we were getting confused as to whether or not this was original material — though it’s hard to call the hollowed-out husks jammed with clichÃ© in your stories ‘characters’ at all.
Disclaimer – I do not own the characters, character names, the places, nor the original story. The following story here written is mainly based on my own ideas and partly based on the occurances (sic) in the original story. I do however own the plot, and some of the characters that weren’t in the original story.
“WILL! Oh my god! Will, is it really you?” Skylar exclaimed in disbelief.
“Yes, Skylar, it is.” Will smiled as he said this.
“Come right over, the door will be open.” Skylar said happily.
Don’t mess with this guy’s original plot and characters, ok?!
No Country for Old Men
In No Country for Old Men we have another Oscar-winning film that has failed to escape the tubby, clamming hands of the denizens of the (under)world of fanfiction. Reading the fanfictions based around Joel and Ethan Coen’s 2007 masterpiece, it is interesting to note that a large number of entries don’t really extend upon the existing story, but rather rewrite certain sections of it, therefore adding insult to insult. Maybe it’s the fanfic writers’ way of saying ‘this film is so perfectly tied-up that we can’t really add to it, but we sure can ruin what you’ve written by drenching in non-subtlety and pathos.’ That is a huge stretch and these fanfics are terrible, but it would be amazing to see some of them realized on the big screen.
Carla Jean: “So…what about this quick and painless method of yours?” she asked hesitantly as he tucked a stray hair behind her ear and rested his hand cupped under her chin.
Anton Chigurh: “You have to earn it.”
This fanfic adds sexual assault to the mix…classy.
The tagline for the movie Twister was ‘The Dark Side of Nature,’ and considering the fact that the fan community has incorporated the film into its hellish canon of franken-fiction, it is a more appropriate description than ever. The original film is more or less a special effects-driven piece of filmmaking, grossing over $495 million, and certainly isn’t Shakespeare by any stretch of the imagination. So what possesses fans to write fiction around a film that relies more on swirling columns of CGI than the veracity of its characters? Maybe some will try to render the awesome tornadoes in ASCII for that special ‘raw and gritty’ look. Out of interest, we researched the net gross of all the Twister fanficts, to see how it compares to that of the original film and came up with a figure of -$423.00, which constituted a gross of $0.00 and took into account the amount of money writers spent on Red Bull and action figures for inspiration.
Hi. I have been a fan of the movie Twister for years, and my favorite part has always been, by far, the tornadoes themselves, as I have always thought they seemed like characters, living things, themselves. Think about it! They have a shape, a voice, a goal, movements, and they almost seemed to be hunting and pursuing their prey. They’ve also each got a personality of their own. Ever notice how no two (and this goes for real life ones as well) look alike? Each one seems to have it’s own face, style and personality! So I thought, hey, why not do a fanfic that portrays them as being alive?
[...] I had already chosen my target: This cheerful-looking little farm house that seemed to stand out in the middle of nowhere, complete with a tall windmill, just perfect for delivering satisfying strikes of lightning to!
An introduction that would have any avid fanfic reader salivating.
7th Heaven was a popular series that ran from 1996 to 2007 on the WB, which was the longest run for any television show classified as a ‘family drama,’ a hotly contested category. The show was based around the family life of a Reverend, his wife, and their seven children (hence the title). Typically, the show attempted to deal with moralistic quandaries by situating them within the family space and ending the episode with some sort of revelation and family bonding. For some unexplainable reason, fan fiction surrounding this show is crazier than almost any other on this list. There is a total of 1,623 entries, of which, based on sample readings only, all suck the life out of the reader like those ghosts from the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Trying to pick out a quote from one of these stories is like trying to pick out a Dalmatian turd from a stack of Golden Retriever turds. No matter what you do, you’ll be wading unhappily through excrement.
He held out her phone so he could read the text he had just typed. His hand was hovered over the send button. The text read: “Just got done having the best sex I’ve ever had…better than what you gave me. And you?”
She gasped and her heart began racing. “You wouldn’t send that!”
“Oops,” he whispered and pressed send. All of the organs in her body seemed to stop working at once. She hated him. Downright hated him; she wished him dead.
Let us all bear in mind that Ruthie was only 17 in the show’s final season. Let’s hope this is a ‘later’ episode.
For anyone who doesn’t know Green Acres, it was a show that was broadcast from 1965 to 1971 that mainly consisted of Eva Gabor whining at her onscreen husband for half an hour in an annoying accent. There was also a pig named Arnold in the show who was by far the best actor, but, like many great animal stars before him, was probably chopped up to feed the hungry masses. Besides the ever-adorable Arnold, the main draw of the show was it’s catchy theme song, in which Gabor’s characters argued with her husband over the respective merits of living in New York versus living a parochial lifestyle in a small country town. This is another great example of a show that fans have completely refocused in their writings from a simple light comedy to a tale of unbridled romance.
Looking into her face in the moonlight at this close range, suddenly, he just needed to know. He leaned in and gently pressed her lips with his. She seemed to melt into him as she closed her eyes, and she put her arms around his neck, returning his kiss. The touch and scent of her seemed to make him dizzy, as he kissed her mouth, her face, her ears. She was enthusiastic and responsive…
Paul Blart: Mall Cop
What happens when you unleash a bunch of fanboys and fangirls on a movie that already stinks? Do they just make it even worse with their asinine fanfictions, or does the lameness of fanfiction somehow cancel out the lameness of the film and give birth to a new and higher artistic creation? The answer should be obvious. Paul Blart: Mall Cop sucked, and the fanfiction it inspired sucks, but the difference is that while the movie inexplicably did quite well at the box office, all the fanfiction managed was to score each writer -1 sexual encounter each. That’s not a typo; we’re saying that each of them, either through karma or simply someone finding out, got laid one less time than if they hadn’t have written the spasmodic drivel that is fanfiction.
“Jacella, with her black hair with black and white streaks. Also her red eyes, due to contacts she wore a black shirt along with black jeans, she wore a beanie on her head.”
Disregarding the fact that this is completely incoherent, how can you have black streaks in your black hair?
Here’s another Oscar Winner, this time of both Best Picture and Best Actor. So wait, this means that the fanfiction will be better than for Fat Fart: Crap Cop, right? No. If anything, it’s worse, because they’ve taken a decent film and reduced it to a steaming pile of refuse through their ham handed interpretation. A lot of the fanfics surrounding Forrest Gump concern the lives of the characters whose stories we were never fully privy to, like Lt. Dan and Forrest Junior. There’s a reason the movie is called Forrest Gump and not called “Forrest Gump and Pals.” The quote from below is from one of the few fanfics that actually focuses on the film’s main character, and guess what? It, too, should be sealed in a crypt for eternity.
Forrest: Now, I don’t really know why Bubba hugged me right then, but he did, in fact, he hugged me for so long that Lt. Dan had to come and tell Bubba to stop hugging me.
Pics or it didn’t happen.
The Teletubbies was a British television series, which, during its run from 1997 to 2001, was enjoyed mostly by pre-schoolers, stoners, and people overly obsessed with semiotics. This last group stirred up quite a bit of controversy by attacking the character of Tinky Winky. The group denounced him as an intentionally planted gay pride symbol, citing in particular his purple color and the triangle on his head — the gay pride color and symbol, respectively. They were also concerned by the fact that he carried a bag that could (apparently) be easily construed by children as a purse. At the end of the day, all these accusations were about as watertight as Alex Murphy after the first scene of Robocop, given the fact that most pre-schoolers were not aware of the gay pride symbol or color at all. Because of this controversy, however, much of the fanfiction surrounding the series is not only craptastic, but also homoerotic while at the same time pejorative of homosexuality.
“Wow way get this day over with! I was observing Tinky Winky and he has a purse and for sure he is not a girl. oh no mabey he is…ewwww HOMO!”
Awesome work. The story is introduced by the author thusly: WHAT WOULD THE TELETUBIES BE LIKE IF THEY WERE LIKE US (sic)
Not that you used a question mark in the first place, genius, but the answer is…like us. Idiot.