Email has revolutionized the way we communicate and sites like Wikipedia have forever changed the way we learn, but if the Internet didn’t also offer amazing advances in porn, humankind would probably have just settled for the Pony Express and Encyclopedia Britannica. Thanks to the Internet, people with bizarre sexual fantasies have been able to find communities, to cultivate their self-understanding, and shake the sense of isolation and shame that often accompanies odd fetishes.
There are three things that happen to the millions of itchy, wool sweaters given as gifts by well-meaning grandmothers every year. Most commonly they are shoved into a drawer only to be pulled out when Grandma is in town. Sometimes they are re-gifted or given to charity. But some people hold onto every bit of wool they can find. Not because it’s warm. Not because it’s the thought that counts. Because it gets them off.
In actuality, a sweater alone probably won’t do it. Devotees of wool don full wool body suits including face masks and (gag) woolen penis sleeves. The logistics of how intercourse actually occurs between two people wearing head to toe wool are a bit fuzzy. The pros for this fetish include a low risk for STDs and unwanted pregnancy (nothing is getting through these wool fortresses) but the cons include sore joints (from all the knitting) and a high dry cleaning bill (hopefully).
Also, it might be something to consider on a romantic camping trip. After all, the woods can be chilly at night and there’s nothing like a good set of pajamas to get you through.
Society has always fetishized sneezing. A little air comes out of a person’s nose and suddenly everyone in earshot is invoking the name of the Lord in English and German. No one makes such a production out of a fart, burp or cough. But there are some people who take their “Bless You’s” a little too far. And instead of reaching out to hand you a tissue after you sneeze, they’ll probably just grab one for themselves.
A sneezing fetish is exactly what it sounds like. Certain people (enough of them to have a number of online communities) are extremely aroused by a sneeze. Some theorists say that perhaps this occurs because a sneeze parallels an orgasm. Build up (ah-ah-ah…), release (CHOO!).
People on Sneeze fetish forums express the desire to actually become an allergen and inspire sneezes from all who dare cross their path. Perhaps those people on the subway who put a gallon of perfume on in the morning aren’t as naive as they seem.â€¨ â€¨
Youtube celeb and Belly Inflationist BenPanced (this is an online alias) attributes his fetish to a cartoon he saw as a child of a dragon puffing up his belly before spitting out a blast of fire from his mouth.
Belly Inflationists are people who derive sexual pleasure from pumping air up their anuses (with a bicycle pump or similar apparatus) until their stomach is round and full. Then, instead of exhaling a blast of radiant fire, they slowly fart out the air over a couple of hours.
It’s hard to say just what enjoyment people derive from this act. For some it’s about body expansion, the air pumping being just a part of a regimen of growth including increased eating and working out. For others it’s the sweet feeling of passing gas. One Belly Inflator remarked on “the hollow thumping noise of [his] fingers tapping [his] hugely inflated beach ball-belly.”
I guess in an age where American Society is obsessed with appearing thin by any means we should be happy to know that there are still people who enjoy a nice, full belly. But a bicycle pump? A couple cheeseburgers seems like a much easier option, and it will still give you the gas you seek.
Sometimes a person or an animal is so cute that you just want to eat them up. It’s a strange impulse but everyone feels it at one point or another and then, generally, dismisses it and opts for a burrito or a PB&J.
Others have trouble forgetting the impulse. Vorarefiles are those who derive sexual pleasure from the thought of eating another living thing, often their sexual partner. People with sexual appetites this powerful have to get pretty creative about living out their fantasies if they don’t want to end up serving a life sentence after their romantic dinner. Instead of actually consuming a person they will act out predator/prey storylines, utilize food during sex, or sometimes eat a couple bugs or maybe a mouse during “lovemaking”.
So the next time you see a puppy so cute that you could just eat it whole, keep walking. You don’t want to end up having to buy a box of crickets every time you have a date.
Not all Japanese cartoons are as sweet and wholesome as Pokemon. But on second thought, Pokemon was about capturing wild animals and making them fight each other… so maybe our expectations of the medium should be lowered.
Either way, Goru Comics and cartoons are so very dark, violent and disturbing that they make Pokemon and its Michael Vick-esque ethic look like an episode of Davey & Goliath. Goru is all about violence, and since it is illustrated and thus not bound by the limits of production value or legality, the violence spirals out of control pretty quickly. Think school girls with organs spilling out of open wounds being molested by scary, old men. Yeah… it’s bad.
While it definitely doesn’t go for cars, but when it comes to cartoons stick with those that were made in the U.S. of A. Flintsones. Peanuts. Rugrats. Now there’s some good, clean fun. â€¨
Poor sissy boys. All through school they get teased, pushed, and shoved into lockers. Lucky for them, their reward is on its way. You might not know about it when you’re getting a swirly in the fourth grade, but there are a lot of women who want nothing else than a wimpy little sissy boy to call “Bitch.” Awww.
Many women like to put their men through a rigorous process of Sissification for the sake of sexual gratification. In these sexual relationships, the woman is dominant and the man is a sniveling piece of dirt who isn’t fit to lick his lady’s boot (which he’ll probably have to do anyways). He might be forced to wear women’s underwear or make-up and will generally be degraded verbally and physically. All and all it’s not too different from the bullying. But hey, at least there’s an orgasm involved… that is, if he’s been a good boy.
There are few experiences more uncomfortable than having to pee with no bathroom in sight. The pain is excruciating and mingles easily with the fear of public urination. One could almost call it torture. But then again, if it wasn’t torture it wouldn’t be so fun… right?
Bladder Torture is a form of masochism (sex acts involving deliberate self abuse or self-subjection to abuse) focused on the exquisite pain of having to pee desperately. Bladder Torturers derive a specific joy from having sex while holding it in.
Forums for Bladder Torture offer helpful tips to up one’s level of discomfort and pain. Run the sink, drink water, go for a walk in a crowded, public place. These things sound more like horrible nightmares than a fun, sexy romp but apparently enough people to populate a web board are into this.â€¨
What else in the universe is as un-sexy as a fart? A fart is the quickest way to ruin a date, a dinner, a day at work, and doesn’t usually elicit a positive response from bedfellows. The best possible result is a laugh, and even then it’s still a major boner-kill.
Like they say, one man’s trash is another’s treasure. Perhaps it could also be said that the farts are always sweeter on the other side of the bed. Or maybe two farts in the sheets are worth one in the streets. Maybe there is no nice way to sum it up, but a good deal of people think farts are hot.
Try typing the word “fart” into the Craigslist personals section. Hundred of results will appear from men and women who are just dying to “eat” your farts or to have you “eat” their farts. Does this mean that Whoopie Cushions qualify as sex toys? â€¨ â€¨
There’s nothing that so defines a person’s character as the way in which they respond to disaster. Will a person cower like a scared mouse or leap into action? Or will they retreat into bed and touch themselves thinking about it? Considering the third option, cowering like a mouse doesn’t seem so bad.
Symphorophilia refers to those that are sexually aroused by natural disasters. In this situation, being struck by lighting must be considered third base. A light drizzle, well that’s just a peck on the cheek. And a weatherman announcing a week of clear blue skies is the biggest cock-block this side of Hurricane Katrina.
When asked if they considered the movie “Twister” to be a highly arousing work of erotica, the Symphorophiliacs remarked that the tornadoes might have been hot but that even they couldn’t get past how busted Helen Hunt was looking. Just joking.â€¨
A Crush Fetishis sexual attraction to people who crush foods, insects, and even small animals with their feet.
In this modern age an open mind is essential to survival. But come on! This just sounds mean. And pretty disgusting.
Still, there are oodles of people who get off on this. And while their preferences might be diverse (some prefer high heels on a cock roach and others prefer bare feet on a rabbit) they all seem to love the bizarre power dynamic at work here. Granted, the elements of power play seem a little obvious. Wouldn’t it be more subversive and therefore sexier to see a little sparrow step on a human being while wearing leather boots? You’d think so, but apparently not. Plus, then you’d have to hire an animal trainer and it would quickly become a huge production.
Much easier to just crush a couple rodents and small birds and get on with your life.â€¨
There are so many great, decent people in the world who just can’t seem to get a date. On the other hand, you have convicted murderers like Scott Peterson receiving a flood of love letters to his cell from adoring female fans. Hello! The man killed his pregnant wife! That’s what I’d call a red flag.
This behavior might be accounted for by considering Hybristophilia, the attraction to extremely violent criminals. Most of us can kind of understand this in one way or another. Who doesn’t think that Bonnie & Clyde were the very essence of romance and sexuality? And has Uma Thurman ever looked hotter than she did in “Kill Bill” when she cut through a horde of Japanese mobsters with her samurai sword?
Still, the line has to be drawn somewhere, and the best place to draw it seems between movies and real life (even though Bonnie & Clyde were real, I think we all associate them with the pictures). And if you happen to be attracted to some serial killers here and there, just keep it to yourself. No letter sending, please. It gives the wrong impression.â€¨ â€¨
Little women exist in more imaginations than those of adoring Louisa May Alcott fans. Enough people are into tiny women that they had to come up with a name for it. Microphilia is the attraction to ladies of a Thumbelina-like stature. Snookie may or may not qualify.
How a man would go about consummating a relationship with a little lady like this is unclear. All that can be said definitively is that Julia Roberts as Tinkerbell in “Hook” must have been quite a sensation for this community!
Now this one makes total sense. Santa is a dream guy! Yeah, he’s a little portly and dresses like a bit of a dandy, but at the end of the day he’s a nice guy who owns his own business, will shower you with presents, and snuggle with you on a cold night with coco and cookies. When we were little we were told that Santa would make all of our dreams come true. Now that we’re older our dreams have become a little more risquÃ©, but that doesn’t have to mean that Santa can’t still come down the chimney to lend a hand.
Eartha Kitt was the first to come out as a Santa Fetishist. No, she didn’t say it outright, but her song,”Santa Baby,” leaves us with few other conclusions to draw. Santa is big in the gay community as well. His hefty, hairy physique technically makes him a bear, but a polar bear for sure.
Too bad he’s married.
College is a great time to explore one’s sexuality, especially is one is feeling like he or she might be an Emetophile. Emetophilia is the sexual attraction to vomiting, and no one vomits more than college students. A university on a Friday night is basically a vomitorium.
Considering vomitoriums, by the way, Emetophiles are very fixated on Roman culture. Roman culture seems to have been less disgusted by puking. The act of puking on someone for sexual gratification is called a Roman Shower. A rather nice moniker for the act, all things considered.
But sure, why not vomit? Vomit is sexy, right? Think of it this way… Or consider the fact that… Well, when you imagine it as a sort of…
No. Can’t be done. Puke is gross.
Crabs is a dreaded possible side effect of sexual intercourse. There is nothing creepier than the thought of a thousand little bugs crawling all over your privates and it’s also not really a place where you want to have to rub toxic, bug-killing chemicals. Basically, it’s a disaster.
But for Formicophiliacs, crabs are a welcome presence. In fact, these fetishists go nuts for bugs crawling anywhere on them, and not just crabs. Spiders, crickets, roaches. Most likely these individuals derive great sexual pleasure from watching “Fear Factor” episodes where people are placed in tanks and have insects poured all over their body. A chilling thought, but somehow still less sexually unappealing than beefcake “Fear Factor” host, Joe Rogan.
In some ways these people are to be envied. After all, the rest of us cower in fear at the sight of a nasty cockroach scurrying across the floor, and an infestation of bedbugs can pretty much ruin your life. The Formicophiliacs have no such worries in their lives, and a universe where the bedbugs are welcome bedfellows might be a nice place.