It’s no secret that celebrities get special treatment. Stars are notorious for getting a wink and a smile from police offers for offenses which would earn the rest of us a baton to the back of the head. So how far does their money stretch, and what crimes are inescapable as far as consequences go? Clearly, even rape, torture, and murder have become sanctioned activities to the world of the rich and famous. Here are 15 more celebrities who got off way too easy for their crimes.
Michael Vick is a football player, as well as a sub-human shell of a man who gets off on torturing animals for his own sick amusement. Vick was convicted for running a dog-fighting ring in both federal court and the state court of his native Virginia. Despite years of denying that he was in any way involved in such activities, a search warrant executed in 2007 found a bevy of evidence against Vick at one of his properties in rural Virginia. Included in his dog fighting ring of horror was:
Rape Stand: An area where the female dog is tied down and left to be brutalized/attacked/raped by a string of male dogs.
Electrocution: Electrocuting the dogs ‘for fun and entertainment’ once they failed to perform.
Drowning: Slow drowning of dogs.
Vick was sentenced to 23 months in a federal prison, but his state sentencing of three years was suspended with a condition of good behavior. But how about the disgusting behavior he had already displayed? Perhaps the biggest ball of FAIL to come out of the fiasco is the fact that Vick has been allowed to return to football, securing a lucrative contract with the Philadelphia Eagles Weasels. Any person with a normal career would find it nigh impossible to successfully return to work, but because Vick is a celebrity he is allowed to return to his ridiculous life of luxury as if nothing happened. God bless the USA.
People say, ‘if the glove fits, wear it.’ OJ’s jury said, ‘if the glove doesn’t fit, get away with murder.’ The OJ Simpson trial was perhaps the most publicized trial of the late 20th century. Simpson was tried for the murder of his wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend, Ronald Goldman, a crime to which he plead not guilty and of which he was eventually acquitted.
Immediately following the double murder, Simpson was placed under arrest as the prime suspect. However, despite the fact he would be facing a no-bail situation and a possible death penalty if he were to be convicted, he was given the opportunity to turn himself in. The fact that he was a running back should have served as a good clue that he was going to make a break for it, but it seems police thought he deserved special treatment because he was good at running around with a football. OJ fled in an ironically low-speed chase that eventually ended at his home. He was never charged in any way for fleeing from police.
Super-lawyer Johnnie Cochran helmed OJ’s defence, and, at the amazement of the public, he was acquitted of all charges. But before you go taking the popular side, ask yourself this: would a guilty man flee from the police, then years later put out a book called If I Did it, detailing exactly how the murders would have taken place if he were the murderer? Yeah, you’re right – guilty as fuck!
R Kelly is perhaps best known for recording the best stripper song of all time – Remix to Ignition. Literally millions of women have taken their clothes off to this tune. Unfortunately, some of these women were under 18 and in Kelly’s boudoir at the time. Oops. Kelly started out his history of trysts with younger women when he married Aaliyah, his 15-year-old protÃ©gÃ©e, who he met when she was only 12. Why Kelly is yet to secure a part in a Woody Allen movie is an absolute mystery.
Despite the negative attention garnered by Kelly’s illegal marriage, the proverbial shit really hit the proverbial fan when Kelly allegedly engaged in some non-proverbial ‘Bump n’ Grind’ with the 14-year-old niece of one of his former protÃ©gÃ©es. Um, Mr. Kelly, you do realize that protÃ©gÃ©e is French for ‘protect,’ not ‘penetrate,’ right? The widespread dissemination of a bootleg sex tape of Kelly and the young girl eventually led to his indictment for 21 counts of having sex with a minor. Also, she let him piss all over her face during one of their sex acts — it’s legal, but still really weird. Later these charges were reduced lighter child pornography ones. Kelly was eventually acquitted of all charges by a jury of blind people his peers. In 2003, Kelly was arrested for possession of child pornography found in his apartment by officers. These charges were dropped because of lack of probable cause for search warrants. Kelly got off scot-free, despite obvious physical evidence in both cases, due to a stipulation in the law that literally held his hand through a loophole.
Mick Jagger is the lead singer of the Rolling Stones, one of the greatest rock bands in the history of the universe. The year was 1972, and the Stones were in Rhode Island, ready to travel to their next destination on their highly successful US tour. Jagger, Stones lead guitarist Keith Richards, and three others got into a fight with a photographer. In the midst of being apprehended by police under assault charges were highly resistant, adding police obstruction to the list. Jagger and his cohorts plead guilty to both crimes, but the charges were inexplicably dropped and he was allowed to go free. The only way in which Jagger was punished was that his detainment made him four hours late for his Boston concert, but really, this was more a bane to the fans than anything. Watching cops for about one episode will tell you that any normal citizen resisting arrest in the slightest is inviting the police to slam them face first into the pavement. If there aren’t enough cops around for a good ‘ol pile-on, count on a knee grinding the guy’s neck into the ground for an unnecessary amount of time.
Robert Downey, Jr.
Robert Downey, Jr.’s problems with the law are no secret. His battles with depression and drug abuse were covered to no end by the media and it seemed that every man and his dog was privy to all the sordid details of his various arrests and prosecutions. Despite these many arrests, Downey Jr. was let off very lightly on more than one occasion for crimes that would see most non-celebs spending some serious time in the slammer. After spending almost a year in a substance abuse treatment facility and state prison, Downey Jr. was released early due to the fact that he had served time based on his orginal 1996 arrests. On a later occasion in 2000, Downey Jr. was apprehended after he was discovered in possession and under the influence of controlled substances following an anonymous tip-off and was put on parole. In 2001 he was discovered wandering around Culver City barefoot under the influence. Tests showed he had cocaine in his system, but was released and absolutely no charges were laid. Sure, RDJ got in trouble on numerous occasions, but there were also instances where his fame no doubt aided him in getting off easy.
Kobe Bryant is considered by many too be the next Michael Jordan. It’s difficult to recollect any instance of Michael Jordan sexually assaulting a 19-year-old woman, but hey, no comparison between two people is ever airtight. In the summer of 2003 Kobe was arrested following an allegation of sexual assault from hotel employee Katelyn Faber. She claimed that the basketball star raped her in his hotel room, an allegation he categorically denied. Kobe did admit to having sex with the woman, but insisted that any sexual contact was entirely consensual. Later, Bryant apologized, saying, ‘Although I truly believe this encounter between us was consensual, I recognize now that she did not and does not view this incident the same way I did.’ Apparently, Kobe thinks it’s really easy to get confused over whether or not someone wants to have sex with you. The criminal suit was dropped when Faber refused to testify out of embarrassment, but a civil suit was settled for an undisclosed sum. Whatever this sum is, we can rest assured that it put a huge dent in Kobe’s paltry 2003 salary of $13 million a year.
50 Cent loves rapping about his awesome bullet wounds, because, you know, it takes a real pimp to get shot a lot of times and survive. Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson’s biggest arrest, however, was not primarily gun-related. On the 29th of June, 1994, Fiddy was arrested for supplying cocaine to an undercover cop, and again three weeks later when a police search of his home unearthed bricks of heroin, ten ounces of coke, and a starter gun. He was sentenced to three to nine years behind bars, but served a mere six months of his sentence. Though this happened before Jackson’s career skyrocketed, the fact that he was befriending high-powered figures in the rap industry could certainly have had some bearing. Additionally, 50 has been blacklisted from studios throughout the nation for being a notorious snitch — and we all know that snitches can easily trade jail time for the names of larger dealers and criminals. When he was released from jail, he came up with his now-famous moniker; 50 cent, which he claimed was a metaphor for ‘change.’ We have news for you, 50, that’s not a metaphor, it’s a pun, and a pretty silly one at that.
Jim Morrison, the famous and infamous lead singer of The Doors, was definitely a rowdy character. During his heyday at a sold-out concert in Newhaven, Connecticut, Morrison was discovered by police backstage having sex with his mistress. When police asked Morrison to stop mid-thrust, he grew violent and had to be suppressed with pepper spray. Yet, amazingly, he was allowed to go onstage and perform after his manager, Bill Siddons pleaded with police. Morrison took his time onstage to try and incite a riot by yelling to the crowd about the preceding events. At this point, the police arrested Morrison for breaching the peace, immoral exhibition and for resisting arrest, but it seems his celebrity eventually wooed some of the boys in blue into letting him off on all but one of the charges. He walked away with nothing more than a $25 fine and a serious case of blueballs.
We all remember Joshua Jackson as that kid who was kind of endearing in the Mighty Ducks films, then far less endearing in Dawson’s Creek. In 2002, while attending a Carolina Hurricanes hockey game, Jackson became entangled in an altercation with a security guard and was arrested on the scene under charges of assault. It didn’t help that at the time his blood-alcohol content was 0.14 and he was basically sweating pure ethanol. Pacey was let off easy, only having to attend an alcohol education program and perform 24 hours community service.
Roman Polanski is best known as one of the most visionary directors in cinema, helming such classics as Rosemary’s Baby and Chinatown. He is also a huge jerk. In March of 1977 he was arrested for sexually assaulting a 13-year-old girl, Samantha Geimer, at his friend Jack Nicholson’s house. The young girl claimed that Polanski dosed her up with champagne and Quaaludes and proceeded to perform oral sex, intercourse, and sodomy upon her despite her continued protestation. Polanski was charged with a litany of crimes, but had the audacity to plead not guilty to each and every one of them. Geimer’s family, not wanting their daughter dragged through the tabloids, sought to reach a plea bargain with Polanski. Despite the fact that he so didn’t do it, Polanski pleaded guilty to the count of unlawful intercourse with a minor, basically a euphemism for statutory rape. Initially, it seemed as though Polanski would get off easily, but later, the judge hinted at a jail sentence. Hearing this, Polanski pretty much wet his pants and ran off to France, where he knew extradition would be impossible. Finally, in 2009, more than 30 years later, Polanski was arrested by Swiss police at Zurich airport under requests from US authorities.
Never heard of Robert Blake? Good, that can serve as his punishment, because he pretty much got away with murdering his wife. For the record, though, he was in the film In Cold Blood, as well the 1970s TV series, Baretta. In may of 2004, blake took his wife of two years and serial marrier Bonnie Lee Bakley out to dinner at popular Italian restaurant Vitello’s, in Studio City. Upon leaving the restaurant, Blake realized he had left his loaded handgun inside, and went back in to get it, leaving his beloved wife in the car. When he came back, she had been shot in the head at close range. What a crazy coincidence! The gun he went back to get was a .38 caliber pistol, and the gun used to kill Bakley was a 9mm, so there’s just no way it was him, you know, just using another gun. A jury of his peers agreed, even though two of his former bodyguards came forward claiming that Blake had tried to hire them to off his wife. Guess where the actor and all of his supporters went to celebrate his acquittal. Why, his favorite restaurant, of course: Vitello’s. No, really.
Amy Winehouse is a wild child of the music scene in such an intense way that it puts the exploits of most of her contemporaries across the pond to shame. Winehouse has been arrested and charged with assault on three separate occasions, two in 2008 and one in 2009. In the latest incident, Winehouse, upon being asked by a theater’s front-of-house manager to move from her seat due to complaints from parents that she was cursing in front of their children, responding by kicking the man in the groin. She was tried and pleaded guilty, but only received a two-year conditional discharge and fines amounting to £185, despite her prior two offenses.
Matthew Broderick is best known for his title role in the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. In 1987, Broderick’s careless driving was responsible for the deaths of Anna Gallagher and her mother, Margaret Doherty, when he veered onto the wrong side of the road while on holiday in Northern Ireland with Bueller co-star, Jean Grey. Initially, Broderick was charged with death by dangerous driving, which could result in a prison term of up to five years. This charge was later dropped to a watered-down careless driving charge and had to pay a whopping $175 fine. The decision basically stated that the lives of normal citizens are worth a little less than $100 a pop.
If you think Broderick fucked up and got away with it, just wait until you read what sort of vehicular brainfart former First Lady Laura Bush got away with during her teen years. On November 6th, 1963, Laura drove straight through a stop sign and into the side of another vehicle, killing the driver, who turned out to be a classmate of hers. Her and the passenger in her car were only treated for minor injuries and, for some retardedly unexplainable reason, she was never charged in any way for her crime. Bush’s spokesperson said “It was a very tragic accident that deeply affected the families and was very painful for all involved, including the community at large.” It was probably more painful for some than others, namely the family of the young man who lost their loved one and watched the person who was at fault walk away.
Snoop Dogg has been charged with a multitude of crimes, from possession of marijuana all the way up to assisted murder. He was release from the latter of these charges and despite being found in possession of illegal weapons on several occasions, was never more than fined a nominal (and to a person of his worth, meaningless) sum and placed on probation or given suspended sentences. On another occasion, Snoop and his entourage, upon being denied access to the first class lounge at London’s Heathrow airport because not all of his party were flying first class, went into the duty free store and started smashing whiskey bottles. During this incident, seven police officers were injured. Once again, Snoop was only cautioned and banned from London for the foreseeable future. At another airport, this time in California, staff found a collapsible baton in Snoops luggage, which is a big no no. He was allowed to board the flight anyway, sans baton. In a nation where people are profiled in airports to the nth degree, you’d think that a convicted felon carrying an illegal weapon would be denied the right to fly. Oh wait, but he can rap. Let him on board.