Twitter is a wonderful thing, an endless time sink where you can explore the brainfarts of people you know and love. And then, at some point, celebrities started using it. Actually using it, not letting their handlers and PR firms do it. With that, we suddenly began to see the inner workings of their minds. Some were profound and hilarious. Others? Well, lets just say less so. Racism, poor spelling, and questionable medical views abound, as we look over 15 celebrities that we’ve grown to hate, thanks to Twitter.
15. John Mayer
John Mayer being a douche is surprisingly to exactly nobody. After dropping the N bomb during an interview, the entire planet did a collective facepalm. Apparently, he thinks black people adore him, thus scoring him a “hood pass”. At one point in an interview, he said he was a half-woman, because he can insert a tampon. Pretentious, annoying, and with an overly high opinion of himself. Which describes the rest of this list too.
14. Amanda Bynes
Man, it must be rough being Amanda Bynes. Stinking rich child actress, who retires from the industry at 24. Her Twitter feed is like a glimpse into the mind of someone approximately as intelligent as Paris Hilton’s latest chihuahua. She has all the depth of a teaspoon, and her tweet feed reminds me of nothing so much as the Talking Malibu Stacy doll. Yes, thinking too much does give you wrinkles. This culminated when she announced to the entirety of tweetdom that she prefers black guys, by saying she likes chocolate. Jeez.
13. Tyra Banks
If there was ever a prize for the most self-obsessed person on television, I don’t think you’d have to look much further than Tyra Banks. Here’s a fun little diversion: watch the Tyra show, and have a drink every time she talks about herself or one of her shows. Try not to give yourself alcohol poisoning, stomach pumping is expensive. Queen of asking stupid questions of her audience and self-promotion, every tweet is requesting input or announcing her current project. Stop trying to make smize happen! It’s not going to happen!
12. Spencer Pratt
Oh Spencer Pratt. The fleshbeard. Isn’t it great when someone’s name so succinctly describes their personality, too? Was on a shitty reality show, got married, found God, went new age crystal worshiping (allegedly spending a half-million dollars on them), his wife turned plastic, he got angry, they divorced, he bought lots of guns, started wearing weird outfits, and is now saying he’s going to start a gossip empire. He’s so painfully aware of his rapidly fleeting time in the spotlight, he will do anything to try and keep it. Except shaving that god-awful facefuzz of his.
11. Jenny McCarthy
Jenny McCarthy. Believes autism is caused by vaccination. The summer after her crusade, California experiences a whooping cough epidemic, killing five babies. Get your kids vaccines, don’t listen to nude models for medical advice. They’re not usually renowned for their scientific backgrounds.
10. Reverend Run
Rev Run, part of famous rap pioneers Run-DMC, is a practicing minister with a reality show, where he tries to control his family. His Twitter, while not pure evil like the other entrants on the list, is home of an utterly useless constant stream of advice. Listening to Run attempt to tell you how to improve your life is about as relevant or as useful as making stock exchange decisions based on fortune cookie predictions. It’s the usual brand of Chicken Soup for the Soul bullshit, combined with the belief that God will fix everything, if you pray hard enough. Thanks for the help, Rev.
9. The Situation
I could lump the entire Jersey Shore Twitterers into one lump, but lets focus on the lumbering hulk of stupidity and abs that is The Situation. He’s the perfect storm of self-obsession, complete inability to use the English language, anger, hate, and pompousness. Every tweet borders on the illegible, and when he starts mentioning that the age of consent in NJ is 16? Oh yeah, that’s fucking creepy. He’s fucking 27 years old, he shouldn’t be trying to bang high school girls. And when he’s not bragging about who he’s getting with, it’s about enacting violence on some unsuspecting other person. I’m pretty sure his brains are located somewhere in that mass of abs he has.
Jordan (aka Katie Price) is a British glamor model, best known for the size of her tits. Somehow, she parlayed this into a successful reality TV run, marrying an ex-pop star, and managing to keep herself in the limelight. Reading her Twitter feed, you rapidly get the impression that her IQ and band size are the same. It’s a black hole of stupidity, actively sucking away your intelligence as you struggle to read them. You can feel your brain cell count plummeting, as you struggle to solve the Dan-Brownian puzzle that is her spelling and grammar. Somehow, she has a line of baby’s clothes. Excuse me if I’m incredulous that a woman who is remember solely for having enormous boobs and showing them to everyone, somehow started an infants fashion line.
7. Jon and Kate Gosselin
If ever there was a case to be made requiring a license to breed, it would be these two. Pathetic man child of a father; evil, controlling bitch of a mother. The fact that these two horrible failures of human beings were somehow allowed to be in control of children just bewilders me. Now they’ve separated, Jon is off wearing Ed Hardy douchebag clothes and banging younger women, and Kate is appearing on even more reality shows. As far as I can tell, they’d both be just as happy if the kids were to get swallowed by a hole in the ground, and they could get back on with their lives. You know you’re parents have a shitty relationship, when your mom tells a major magazine that your dad has a “stumpy” penis. Someone call Child Protective Services, and get these kids in a real home. And Jon advertises for Farmville on his Twitter feed. What?
6. Billy Corgan
When I was younger and growing up in the Pacific Northwest, Billy Corgan and the Smashing Pumpkins were the greatest thing imaginable. You know, back when grunge was a thing. It’s been a pretty consistent downwards slope since then, with Zwan, and now Billy recording stuff on his own. Even though he descended into mediocrity, I still had a lot of respect for the man. Until I found his Twitter account. That’s when I found out he’s very religious, Secret practising, anti-taxation, conspiracy theorist, climate change denying, god botherer. I’m sorry Billy, but magically hoping doesn’t cause things to happen, and planes don’t leave chem-trails. And you’re fucking dating Jessica Simpson. Want to know why you don’t have any street cred anymore? I think that accounts for it.
5. Scott Baio
To quote the blog Jezebel, Scott Baio Ruins Everything. He made disparaging comments about the way Michelle Obama looks and then said he wasn’t racist because his wife has a black friend. Seriously, he couldn’t even pull the classic “some of my best friends are black!” line, he had to go to his wife for it. I know it may seem counter-intuitive, but when you’re a C-list actor, pissing off an incredibly popular feminist blog is probably a bad move. Then telling them that “the broom and the dustpan are in the closet”? Or having your wife call them “lesbian shit-asses”? That’s asking for trouble. By the way, you paying taxes isn’t to feed lazy people. It’s for all those useful services, like roads, police, firemen and other shit you use every day. But I suppose that’s all a bit much for you take in at once.
4. Tila Tequila
This is what happens when someone becomes famous for taking off her clothes on MySpace. We get it Tila, you’re bi. Congratulations. If ever there was a case of oversharing, it’s from her. She pretends that someone breaks into her house, lies about being pregnant, miscarrying, milks her gf’s death long and hard, pretends to adopt a Russian baby, threatens suicide. That’s a whole lot of crazy in one package. After a while, you begin to realize that Tila lives in her own world, where anything is allowed as long as it draws attention her way. No subject to taboo, to make people give you attention. That lady is seriously screwed up in the head, and could do with a firm trip back to reality. Not that I think it’s ever going to happen.
3. Courtney Love
I get that a lot of people are still angry at Courtney Love over the whole “she totally killed Kurt Cobain, man” thing. Face it, though, Celebrity Skin was a killer album back in the day. Her Twitter feed, though ? Man, it’s out of this world. Seriously, I think this is the best possible insight into the mind of someone utterly fucked over by years of drug use. It’s like she had a seizure on the keyboard, and submitted whatever resulted. It’s absolutely phenomenal, and amazingly entertaining as some sort of weird performance art thing. They you realize this is actually how she thinks, and you start to worry. Because that lady is all kinds of crazy.
2. Lindsay Lohan
I’ve got this theory, that Lindsay Lohan’s Twitter feed is actually linked to an alternate reality, where things are going her way. Her tweets often stand in stark opposite to, well, the truth. She tweets about events she didn’t attend, defends her actions with blatant lies, and generally tries to cover her ass from the constant fallout of her acting like a drunk party girl. Now in jail for 90 days, so things have quietened down a bit. It probably doesn’t help to have a father who airs family dirty laundry in front of everyone, and a mother who’s pushing Lindsay’s little sister in the same direction. A whole family of famewhores.
1. Sarah Palin
Actors shouldn’t be allowed near Twitter without a handler nearby. Politicians, doubly so. Politicians with an incredibly poor grasp of spelling, and questionable intelligence at the best of times? Oh, my. Refudiate is not a word, Sarah. Calling on divine intervention to fix the Gulf oil spill won’t do much. We know you pay people to make your Facebook status updates, can’t they doTtwitter too? Then maybe, you won’t have to make up fake words and malapropisms in order to get your point out, you nincompoop.