Fetishes. We all have them, if we admit it or not. We all have little kinks and oddities that get us off, though we might not want to say so in polite company. There are plenty of preferences which don’t even raise an eyebrow in this day and age. You like crossdressing while being rimmed? That’s cool, there’s someone out there for you. But some fetishes? They just make you scratch you head. Some are weird, some impossible, and some downright foul. We’ve covered some before, but here are 13 more of the weirdest and worst.
13. Inanimate Objects
We all have objects that we’re attached too. Inanimate goods that we keep hold of far longer than is really normal. Maybe it’s a stuffed animal that followed us through college and into real life. A dog eared book we’ve read a million times. A pot where a thousands soups have simmered. Objects that we love. Now, what if you really *loved* the object. Not platonically, but sexually. That’s the world of “objectum sexual”, people who fall in love with inanimate objects. Statues are particularly common, but any object can be the focus of desire. It seems to be linked to Aspergers, and the most famous person to have the fetish is Erika Eiffel, an American who married the Eiffel Tower. Did it really have to be something so blatantly phallic?
Was attack of the 50 foot woman your defining sexual moment growing up? Does the thought of rampaging giant people get you all hot and bothered? Or are you on the opposite side of the scale? Do you want a six-inch tall person to work your clit like a boxing bag? Welcome to the crazy ass world of macro- and micro-philia, sexual obsessions with the large and small, respectively. One of the many fetishes on this list which could never be achieved in real life (thank goodness for the square-cube law), instead we’re subjected to bad photoshops and art of enormous women pleasuring themselves with buildings, or tiny fairy girls fucking q-tips. The whole thing is a weird taking of dominant/submissive archetypes to extremes.
11. Hair (tricophilia)
Tricophilia is a fetish for hair, usually on the head, though I bet armpit and pubic hair fetishist fit under the same bill of oddity. Tricophilia is different in that it can take so many forms. Some obsess over the feel of hair, others love the smell, new haircuts, wet hair, pretty much anything that involve hair one way or another seems to be the source of this fetish. All things considered, it’s pretty harmless, as far as these things go. Playing with someone’s hair is pretty standard during shagging, so this just takes it a little bit further. Do they have hair-jobs? Getting jerked off by a handful of hair? Why do I think that’s probably a thing? Oh god, that’s totally a thing, isn’t it?
10. Piggy Backs
Meet Ralphmunic, a German youtuber whose entire account is devoted to riding on people’s shoulders, usually older men. Oh come on, this is the easiest thing ever to analyze. Fetishes are thought to spring from comforting experiences during your youth, which the brain then ports over the pleasantness into sexual pleasure. Obviously this guy attached significant importance to getting shoulder rides when he was younger, perhaps from a father who was later absent in his life. The connections was so strong, that he fetishized it, and now travels around Europe riding on old dudes’ backs. He’s hardly the only one, there’s an entire subculture devoted to this.
9. Wool Fetish
Oh holy crap, I’m itchy just looking at that! Ah, my skin’s crawling even thinking about it. It’s like you’re about to fuck a muppet, and there’s the ghost of Jim Henson, looking down in disapproval, silently shaking his head, as you screw something that looks like Grover. This can’t be anything except hot, gross, scratch, and generally miserable. How exactly do you go about bringing this up with your partner? “Oh, hey honey. You know that sweater you like so much? Can we have sex while you wear it? And wear another one over your legs, and a facemask, and a scarf on top of that? No, no, it’ll be sexy, I swear!” I’m just imagining a couple both dressed like this, grinding into each other, and the static buildup creating a lightning bolt that fries their entire house.
8. Vacuum Beds
As someone who suffers from claustrophobia, the whole phenomenon of of vacuum beds terrifies me at a deeply personal level. Being stuck under material that clings perfectly to your skin, the weight of the vacuum, the loud noises, not being able to see, not being able to move at all, and yet being fully conscious. And if something goes wrong, there’s a good chance of suffocation. Good lord, that’s bordering on torture, and I start getting panic attacks just thinking about it. It’s like the ultimate restraint system, with a good dose of Han Solo in Carbonite fetishism thrown in for good measure. The idea of being so completely enclosed and restrained goes beyond trusting someone while being tied up, to playing with all sorts of primal fears. Gah!
7. Body Inflation
Who? What? But…but…why? Did you watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory too much growing up? Does a perfectly spherical partner attract you? I just don’t understand why there’s something sexual here, and what the point is. I can kind of get the point of breast inflation â€” big boobs are good, therefore bigger boobs are better. I don’t agree, but I can see where they start with that. But blowing up the entire body, until it’s spherical and malformed, is meant to be sexy? Even though they’re hideously changed? They’re not just big, they’re balloons! How is that hot? Apparently some people love the version of this fetish that is linked to eating too much, and becoming uncontrollably fat. Force feeding? Massive weight gain? Sexy? What the fuck?
It takes a special sort of person to make a fetish out of NOT getting any. If I had known that not getting laid was something to be proud of, I’d have enjoyed my High School years even more. Chastity fetishists (who seem to be primarily male) love the idea of getting the junk locked up in a cage, and not being able to touch it until their mistress tells them. They have to sit down to pee, and can’t touch their cock at all, getting increasingly frustrated. It’s getting off on not getting off. Which is the opposite of a sexual fetish, as far as I can tell, by making not getting any the point of getting some. Which means you a willing partner who want to do sexual stuff with you, but the greatest thing you can think up is not having sex? Good god, that’s backwards.
5. Bicycle Pumps
Some people like inflation, as covered above. Which doesn’t actually work in real life, so they’re mostly stuck making shitty drawings and photoshops, and so aren’t going to hurt anybody. At least so I thought. That was until I found people inflate their stomachs using bicycle pumps in their ass. I…just…what? And then some people use motorized pumps? How is that not insanely fucking dangerous? You can’t tell me that putting hundreds of PSI up your ass and into your stomach doesn’t cause huge fucking problems. Your internal organs are not designed to handle that sort of pressure. And then all that air has to go somewhere, leading to hours of farting. I at least hope that this feels good in some weird way, as I can’t help but think it would actually be extremely painful.
I don’t know why, but I find farting fetishes worse than piss or scat. I’m not sure what about it strikes me as so weird, when those others are distasteful, but I don’t find personally offensive. Farting, though? Maybe because it’s just so…funny. Like the opposite of sexy funny. When someone farts, you don’t secretly think “oh, that’s so hot”, but rather try and stop yourself laughing. Cute girls farting? Hilarious! Hot? Not so much. Hell, if you’re older than 13, it’s probably not even that funny anymore, and has descended into puerile and boring territory, which his hardly risque or titillating. The worst part about this fetish? It gave us cake fart. That’s screwed up, right there. It’s a lady, sitting on a cake, farting. That’s it. Why? Why would you make that? Who wants cakes and farts?
3. Mythical Dildos
Ladies and gentlemen who like giant dildos, I present Bad Dragon, purveyors of fine, fine sex toys, modelled after aliens, mythical creatures, and real animals. Yup, if you want to pretend to get fucked by a dragon, they’re you’re go to guys, they even have ones that ejaculate. While they’re mostly aimed at the gay crowd (especially those who like really big toys), the ladies share an equal part of the blame, for the rise of vampire dildos. Big, sparkly dongs, which can be put in the fridge so you can imagine you’re being pounded by the cold, lifeless cock of Edward Cullen. There is not a single thing about this which is okay. You are pretending a creature of myth and legend is having sex with you, and that’s just weird. Before straight guys go start feeling good about themselves, Fleshlight have just released an Avatar themed toy. Yup, everyone is screwed up.
Bugchasers are gay men who intentionally fuck HIV+ people, in order to get the virus themselves. That’s right, they intentionally want to get an incurable disease, with a very high likelihood of death. Why in the name of all living fuck would you do something like that? Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with people? Some do it because it’s the ultimate taboo. What, autoerotic asphyxiation while being fisted by a midget riding a goat is too boring? Or some want it because it means they’re part of a distinct community. Fuck that. Get a tattoo and join a gang, if you want so badly to get into a group you can never leave. Intentionally giving yourself a deadly disease? That’s fucked up, yo.
Fuck you, I’m not linking to an image of this. Have a kitten instead. Guro is pornography in which the subject is horribly, horribly maimed and tortured throughout. Usually Japanese hentai art, people are shown drowning, being dismembered, flayed, cooked alive, skinned, cut, any horrible, horrible thing you can think of. If you get off on this, you are a broken human being, who I wish to have nothing to do with. It is the very definition of fucked up, and the fact that you have to see a representation of someone being killed to get off means you’re well on your way to being a serial killer. Have fun.