As a gay man I’d like to think my ability to spot homosexuality is un-paralled. Granted there was that time I got embarrassed by the decorator who was always reading Sedaris at the local coffee shop, and that time the guy talking about space-docking actually WAS an astronaut, but overall if you’re in the closet or out of it, I know my own kind. In my life growing up in the 80’s and beyond, I’ve noticed a lot of cartoon characters that are just waiting to burst out on the scene.

Ambiguously Gay Duo

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Well lets get the easy ones out of the way. Ace and Gary are really the mascots for the alternative lifestyle animated character. They drove around in a giant penis, sixty-nining was their super power, and they constantly ran into countless phallic shaped objects (see pic). How ambiguous was their sexuality?

Peppermint Patty

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A forerunner on the lesbian movement, peppermint patty is the classic masculine lesbian of cartoon history. She played soccer, softball and football, and of course she liked to beat up on men and deflate their egos (which is a classic lesbo move). Right now she’s all grown up and probably sitting in a bar sporting a jean jacket, drinking cheap beer, and dreaming of that day Lucy and her played doctor.

The Smurfs (all of them)

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Well it’s a society of men that all live together with a bearded bear of a master in papa smurf. Gargameil created Smurfette to infiltrate the smurfs but she was converted to good due to the overwhelming goodness of the smurfs. While most adolescent boys imagine her as a crazy slut that must make rounds, its all too obvious that she was the first animated fag hag. Also they seem to be into some sort of asphyxiation fetish, they weren’t always that color.

He-Man

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Well his name alone is a dead giveaway, both titles are clear reference to what he-man enjoys the most. If he wasn’t gay he would have chosen a name like super dude, or pay-no-attention-to-what-I’m-wearing I-really-like-women-man. Hell, the fact that he didn’t hook up with she-ra tells us he’s a man’s man. I’m also pretty sure that I’ve only ever seen a furry jock-strap before at the west Hollywood parade, and he also chooses to hang around with that notorious submissive sex slave Orko. Hmm I wonder if his real name was Porko, just sayin. Total Power-bottom.

Pepe Le Pew

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Don’t be fooled by this supposed French lover, total turd burglar. First off he’s French, isn’t that enough? Second just look at the picture below, he’s a catcher of the utmost variety. Also isn’t it safe to assume that if the skunk cant tell the difference between a skunk and a cat that he’s probably also convinced that the cat is a male. Pepe’s old school gay, of the Timm Gunn variety. I’m surprised he hasn’t been a guest judge on project runway. Make it work.

Bugs Bunny / Elmer Fudd

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Well the fact that bugs bunny moonlights as a woman from time to time raises my gaydar to full alert. But really Elmer Fudd is more queer than all of the Spartans in 300 combined. He’s obviously into the transgender/trans-species types because he’s not falling for that routine every time bugs breaks it out as the cartoon would have you believe, he probably paying for it. Also the lisp is a dead giveaway. Embrace it buddy

Sponge Bob Squarepants

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Rosy Cheeks, a penis for a nose, and a name that references is luscious square behind, Sponge bob is very very gay. Just imagine all the places you could stick it in him, a gang-bangers paradise. Cmon Patrick, you know you want to, just give in, plus theres no clean up when you live under the ocean.

Snarf From Thundercats

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Snarfs a real sleeper. But the fact that he invented the term “Snarfing” is all you need. What is it you ask? Well its like felching but with a industrial power washer, pliers, and a 16oz. Solo cup. He got Patharo to try it once, and he couldn’t walk for three weeks.

Sebastian

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The original Carson from Queer Eye, into hooking people up while secretly carrying on an affair with that gay candlestick from beauty and the beast. I also imagine the claws come in nicely during some rough foreplay, but suck for rubbing one out. He’s pent up and needs as much action as he can get.

Mario/Luigi

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Whenever is see the Freddy Mercury mustache I know you’re trying to tell me something. These boys love each other, and love to lay pipe all day long. Also it should be noted that they like to hang around that little fag toad. He’s shaped like a wiener and with enough lube he slides right in.

Piglet

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Well he’s a kid so l guess we’ll let him slide. But this is a queer just laying in wait, but don’t wait too long or else you’ll end up becoming a caricature of yourself and everyone will know (See Next Entry).

Tom Cruise

 

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The biggest gay cartoon character of all.