Let’s get this straight. Blow-up dolls are for laughs and losers. Bring one to a frat-house party, fine, but buy one for your own personal pleasure and you’ve got issues. Still, there are love dolls and there are celebrity love dolls. When one of these inflatable funnies is modeled on one of our favorite star icons it becomes a cultural artifact – another replica that owes its existence to the curious modern cultural phenomenon of the celebrity. Until that is you hear it whirring. And you see how unlike anything even vaguely human it looks. Then you remember it belongs in the trash. We’re not sure how the celebs on whom these life-size toys were based reacted to them, but suspect responses ranged from mild amusement to phone calls to lawyers.
12. Lindsay Lohan
As if our Lindsay didn’t have enough on her plate, she’s got to contend with a squeezable plastic version of her packing “three cylinders of love”. Even for love bug Li-Lo we think this is in bad taste. Yep, we reckon the Herbie: Fully Loaded star would have been going bananas when she saw the monstrosity that lurks inside this packaging.
11. Eva Longoria Parker
This is a love doll replica of a certain American actress famous for her part as one of the leads in the ABC television series Desperate Housewives. Ironic given that this product is for desperate individuals of a different gender – and, we hope, marital status. “Her man’s away and she loves to play,” we’re told. Does she indeed?
The delightfully named “J-Ho” is the next celebrity sex doll on our list, and what a way to advertise this tastelessly trashy take on a certain “Puerto Rican princess”. Predictably, the big sell here is on a particular part of the beautiful Bronx bombshell’s anatomy. “Booty from the block,” reads the tagline. Seriously, who writes this stuff? Worse, who buys it?
9. Pamela Anderson
The Pamela blow-up doll takes plastic fantastic to a new level. Believe us, it’s far more plastic than even the image of “the world’s sexiest lifeguard” depicted on the package. And that’s plastic. What’s more, when used by some loser, it’ll be more full of bad air than the float she’s carrying. Methinks the real Pammy was not best pleased.
8. Jessica Simpson
America’s favorite actress and singer is honored with a love doll made in her image. The formerly chaste celeb was no doubt horrified upon hearing about the existence of this evil inflatable doppelganger, especially when the sales line makes reference to her split with her ex-husband. Can you do worse for $26.99? Probably not.
7. Daisy Dukes (Jessica Simpson)
Promising you “the ride of your life” (why aren’t we convinced?), this inflatable atrocity in a glossy box is based on Daisy from The Dukes of Hazard – which makes it a second showing for lucky Ms Simpson. For all you “wild cowboys out there” straining at the leash to pick one of these up, don’t expect to be Boss Hog in your group for long if your friends find out.
6. GI Jane (Demi Moore)
This one’s for the military fetishists. See, this “camouflaged cutie” is apparently “every soldier’s fantasy”. You heard it here. This doll was based (very) loosely on the actress who took the eponymous role in 1997’s G.I. Jane. Still, given the (lack of) resemblance of the model on the packaging, we doubt Demi will be suing any time soon.
5. Jessica Sin
Based on a certain actress who starred in Robert Rodriguez’s Sin City, this next delightful doll for all the family is, so we’re told, a “sexy little angel with a dark side”. Or is it a big ugly diabolical piece of plastic that some folks choose to take for a sexual partner? We’ll let you decide.
4. Tori Spelling
“Will you be my sugar daddy?” pouts the star of the oh-so-ingeniously-titled “90210HO”. The answer is: yes if either a) you’ve a douchebag, or b) you’re a poor, out of his mind groom-to-be on a bachelor party who can’t tell the difference between a lifeless plastic woman and the real thing. Another addition to one of the dumbest merchandising moves ever.
3. Christina Aguilera
Who’s this “dirty little diva”? Why, it’s our Christina, the once innocent pop-star princess, and now a raving plastic nympho with at least three ways of satisfying your every desire. We can hardly contain ourselves. We’re pretty sure the platinum-selling recording artist wasn’t singing “What a Girl Wants” about one of these.
2. Paris Hilton
If it weren’t for the insulting copy written on the side of the packaging, this would be the one love doll we’d have thought might have been endorsed by the celebrity it masquerades as. Honestly, though, whatever the tearaway socialite might have got up to in the past, she can’t ever have expected this, can she? Well…
1. Sarah Palin
And finally, the celebrity blow up doll to end all celebrity blow up dolls – made in the image of the hockey mom to end all hockey moms. Presumably designed for all those those Democrats who secretly lusted hard after the former vice presidential candidate, this is one doll that must have already come filled with hot air. Beautiful.