10 Romantic Records That Aren’t Even Slightly Romantic

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There are certain records that tend to appear in certain situations but it might help sometimes if the person spinning the disc actually listened to the words before they played the song. Here are 10 romantic records which aren’t even slightly romantic when it comes down to it:

Usher – Good Kisser

What could be more romantic than a song about kissing? It practically screams romance to sing “Your pretty lips leave me so inspired” doesn’t it? Except what’s inspired isn’t so much Usher’s brain as well… his trouser snake. Which is also where he’s going to expect those lips to be any second now. Yeah, Good Kisser isn’t a romance record but it’s perfectly fine for the next time you bring a stripper home to meet your mum.

Extreme – More than Words

If there’s a classic love song of the 1990s; Extreme’s More than Words would fit the bill right? Wrong. Dead wrong. This isn’t a love song – it’s a song about sexual frustration. The lyrics might at, a surface level, convince you’re they’re all about walks along the beach and staring into each other’s’ eyes, but listen carefully and you’ll discover that the singer doesn’t want to “hear I love you” but rather expects his date to pony up with “More than Words”.

John Denver – Leaving on a Jet Plane

A song in which the writer declares that he hates to go and will be returning with a wedding ring for his beau – how romantic is that? And that’s exactly what happens in John Denver’s Leaving on a Jet Plane but get to the middle section of the song and “There’s so many times I’ve let you down, So many times I’ve played around” and yup, what we have is the confession of a serial cheat who’s finally decided to settle for the girl at home. That’s not so romantic – in fact it kind of sucks.

The Police – Every Breath You Take

There are few songs which sound so much like a love song but which are a pole apart from conveying any love as famous as The Police’s Every Breath You Take. The song is, in fact, a testament to stalking “I’ll be watching you” and it’s also a companion song to one of the band’s other smash hits “Roxanne” which is – as you might know already – a paean to prostitution. Yup, it’s a song about stalking a hooker; think about that before you place it on top of your “favorite songs to woo by” list.

The La’s – There She Goes

This one has to be a love song, doesn’t it? Well, in fairness it is a love song but not one dedicated to a woman. The “she” of the title isn’t a girl but rather heroin. It’s a tribute to a man’s relationship with the needle. So unless your bride’s a junkie; this might not be the best song to play at your wedding.

Ariana Grande Feat. The Weekend “Love Me Harder”

Just before you start thinking it’s only men that write records that are pretending to be romantic but are really rotten; here’s Arian Grande Feat. The Weekend. “Tell me something I need to know, Then take my breath and never let it go” is almost lovely in its sentiment. Until you dig a little deeper beneath the lyrical surface and realize that she’s stating a case for ditching her lover unless he’s dynamite in the sack. So it turns out that women, if they put their minds to it, can be every bit as shallow as men in music.

Heart – All I Wanna Do Is Make Love to You

More deceitful romantic pretense from the ladies comes in the form of Heart’s All I Wanna Do Is Make Love to You. A cursory listen will leave the average listener in no doubt that this is a love song; it’s not until a few repeated plays that the true message comes across. The song is about a woman with a man that she cares for, out having an affair with one she doesn’t care for, just so she can trick that guy into getting her pregnant. “I said, please, please understand, I’m in love with another man, and what he couldn’t give me, oh, no, was the one little thing that you can.”

Bruno Mars – Marry You

This chirpy little number has become a massive hit at weddings around the world. Which would be fine if it were in the least bit romantic but it’s not. Instead it’s about a guy getting married “something dumb to do” when he’s drunk as a skunk and rushing into something for the heck of it rather than from any depth of feeling. Anybody who inflicts this one on their lover on their special day deserves a quick divorce.

Bob Dylan – Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right

Not always at the top of everybody’s playlist but this bittersweet examination of a relationship is a romantic favorite with many. So what’s wrong with this one? Firstly, it’s a very unattractive rant which takes a former lover and criticizes her for all of her faults – that’s not exactly the message you want to send to someone on Valentine’s Day. Secondly, there’s a very strong hint in the lyrics that the girl, being criticized, was underage and thus it’s a pedophilic rant about a lover who couldn’t consent. We think even the BDSM scene might struggle to see that as “romantic”.

Katy Perry – Dark Horse

“Once you’re mine, there’s no going back.” What could be more romantic than a life time commitment? Well, a careful examination of the words reveals that Katy’s not asking a lover for a commitment but rather indulging in a huge pile of junk food. You can see it clearly throughout the video for the track too. There may be a certain joy in food but it’s going to be impossible to claim that “romance” and a love of Twinkies are the same thing.

About The Author
Melissa Stenson
Melissa Stenson is a senior writer at PopCrunch. She covers movies, tv, and music news. She also writes engaging and fun lists about various pop culture events.