Man was made in God’s image, but apparently God really screwed the pooch on some people. That’s why the Big Guy invented plastic surgery. Or, maybe more likely, he let some Beverly Hills doctor invent it for his own amusement. Let’s face it, gluing your butt hair to your head was bound to cause all sorts of problems. Here are 10 cosmetic procedures that honestly don’t make anyone look better.
Dermal Feet Injections
Don’t have enough cushion in your step? Hate those “gellin” commercials? Well, don’t give in to “Big Sole”! You can actually have your feet injected with cushioning. And while you’re at it, why not get gloves sewn onto your hands and a hat stapled to your head?
Not everyone can be born with giant, Mick Jagger-sized lips and quite frankly, not everyone should. Silicon is, apparently, cheap if the giant flesh beaks walking around Hollywood are any indication. If you don’t have the lips to be Angelina Jolie, maybe you should just work at an OfficeMax.
If Joan Rivers’ face is any indication, facelifts should stop at two. Seven tops. If you can bounce a quarter more than ten feet off your cheek, your face may be too taught. If you look like that character from Brazil, it’s time to stop is what we’re saying.
Giant Breast Implants
Everyone likes boobies. Sure, bigger boobies are usually better boobies, but there are limits. If you’re so top heavy you can’t see your plate, you may have over done it. If your breasts are essentially bowling balls injected in your chest, you may have spent too much. Individual boobs should not be bigger than your head.
Calf and Pectoral Implants
Ladies aren’t the only ones that can be shallow and vain. Guys that either aren’t brave enough to augment their penis or figure this is better than having surgery on your junk instead have implants put in the calves and pectorals. In their defense, it’s much quicker than exercise and diet.
The first thing most people think when they see disgusting bacteria is, “Hey! I’ll bet if I inject that into my face I’ll look better!” Yes, there’s nothing like murdering the muscles and nerves in your face just to look a little smoother. And hey, did you hear about the Mother of the Year that helped her 8-year-old daughter do it? It’s important for your kids to learn at a young age that they are imperfect and constantly need improvement.
Hair transplants are proof positive that men just don’t like wigs. Why put a rug on your head when you could get painful surgery implanting each individual hair into your scalp? Unless you move your bald self to another state after having butt hair put on your head, people are going to think you look weird. You don’t just go from Captain Picard to Captain Kirk.
If you’re a porn star, this makes a lot of sense. Just like you need to put new tread on a tire, you might want to tighten up the junk if it gets a lot of traffic. But the weird bride that had her hymen reattached is just weird. Who is she fooling? Especially since she apparently sent out a press release.
Permanent Make Up
Some people are just lazy and let’s face it ladies, make up can take forever. Permanent make up pays for itself, assuming fashion, cosmetics, and your opinions and preferences never change — and what are the chances of that? Hopefully, the ex-con tattooing your face won’t make you look like a Juggalo.