You have to wonder what goes through some people’s heads when they start talking about making a movie. Does Michael Bay set out to destroy everything good about the art of cinema or does it just come naturally to him? Some movies, however, can’t rely on a crap auteur to make a film that crushes the spirit (and Spirit) and make you say, “Dear God! Too soon! This is offensive!” Here are 10 such movies.
World Trade Center (2006)
Director Oliver Stone is no novice when it comes to controversy, but just five years after the most terrible attack on US soil came World Trade Center. It’s an uplifting movie about Nicholas Cage and his mustache trapped in the rubble. At least he wasn’t promoting sexy serial killers this time. Quick, Oliver, the rights to the London riots are still available!
30 Minutes or Less (2011)
A movie starring Jesse Eisenberg, Aziz Ansari, Danny McBride and Nick Swardson is already the most hilarious movie on this list. That’s not the problem.The problem is, this movie is based on a real news story, only the pizza delivery guy with the bomb strapped to him got caught by the cops who held him at gun point until his head exploded. Needless to say, hilarity did not ensue in real life.
All the Saw Movies (2004+)
This kind of serial killer porn is about as interesting as torturing cats or listening to Paris Hilton talk. And while everyone involved with the making of the movie is probably a millionaire, that will be cold comfort to the victims of the future predators whacking to these on Blu Ray. Chris Hansen should tell the producers to have a seat and answer some questions.
Showgirls belongs on this list for one reason and one reason only: it makes nudity boring and that’s criminal. It takes a lot of work to make a bad plot, bad dialogue, bad acting, bad direction and bad everything to make great film boobies uninteresting, yet Showgirls achieves this masterfully. That porn mag you found in the basement when you were 13? There more plot in the ads in the back for the phone sex lines than in the entire Showgirls movie.
The Black Gestapo (1975)
Blacksplotation movies almost always have a certain charm stemming from the time period because they attempt to make African American characters look strong. Something went horribly wrong with the Black Gestapo. Apparently, the makers of this movie had never read history past, oh, let’s say 1932. Later, the same movie makers taught history to the guys that made 10,000 B.C. and Quentin Taratino right before Inglorious Basterds.
Battlefield Earth (2000)
What makes this movie so offensive isn’t that there is a ridiculous scene in which cavemen-like characters fly fighter jets that have been sitting around for over a 1000 years (although that’s reason enough).It’s on the list because it was an attempt by the Scientology church to recruit new members through the film’s promotion and (rumor has it) through subliminal messages in the film. But as we all know (send us money) subliminal messages don’t work (they do).
If there had actually been a movie that the actual Antichrist would produce other than Cowboys & Aliens, it would be this. When you feel the need to insert more than one scene of genital mutilation and it stars Willem DaFoe, maybe it’s time to stop watching so many Saw movies.
The Human Centipede (2009)
What can you say about a movie who’s primary plot point is that two of the characters will end up eating the poop of two of the others? Who greenlit this disgusting mess? Jeffrey Dahmer?Hannibal Lecter? Somewhere in Hell there is a special layer just for the filmmakers where this movie plays in an endless loop.
Freddy Got Fingered (2001)
9/11 wasn’t the only tragedy in 2001. Tom Green’s Hollywood career ended in the spectacular suckfest that was FGF. Nothing endears a character to audiences more than when he fakes child molestation charges against his dad over the destruction of a skateboard ramp. On the upside, it finally drove Tom Green back to Canada.
Faces of Death (1980)
Faces of Death isn’t so much a movie franchise as it is a sickness.Fans of this film actually make Freddy Krueger and Jason fans look normal by comparison. Composed of footage of actual deaths (and plenty of horribly faked fake ones) this abortion of a documentary has more tasteless than telling Britney Murphy jokes at Amy Winehouse’s funeral.